My partners parents keep turning up, uninvited.
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My partners parents come over a lot, without being invited. That’s not the worst part though. When we first moved to our house, his parents insisted they keep a spare key to our home for emergencies… basically meaning if we’re ever locked out of our property.
Since then though, they just turn up unannounced and if we don’t answer the door, they just let themselves in! In the past, they’ve not even knocked and his Dad walked on in and shouted “Hello! Anyone home?” whilst I was in my bedroom.
I’ve even got evidence that they have been into other rooms of our house, including the bedroom whilst we’ve been out. Even if we’re home and tell his Dad a room hasn’t been cleaned and we’d rather he not go in – he still makes an excuse to go in and see it.
My partner doesn’t want to cause any issues and I don’t want it to seem like it’s only me that has a problem with it as he won’t speak up for both of us and doesn’t mind as much as I do.
We’re both in our mid 30’s and we’d quite like to have our privacy. I wish I could take the key away from them, change the locks or get a chain on the door for when we’re actually at home to avoid random visits, but I know they’ll take great offence to it.
They do a lot to help us in terms of DIY, (whether we ask for help or not) so I think they see it as they’re entitled to do whatever they like in our home.
I get so angry and frustrated at the situation that I end up yelling at my partner instead for the way his parents are…Hi. This would be unacceptable to me, and most people I bet. It is on your partner to handle this. He needs to talk to them and set boundries, such as the key is only for emergencies. If after that, they don’t respect the rules, it is locks changed and a key given to a trusted friend, again only for emergencies. This is a gross invasion of privacy. If your husband won’t put a stop to it, might it become a “deal breaker”? It would be for me.
Be naked as much as possible. If you can be in flagrante delicto the next time they visit, I’m sure they will start calling before coming over.
As much as I think changing the locks are in order, he’ll just give them a key and the behavior will start again. If they think you need to cover up, they’ll call first.
Hey Wendy/Kate, when I view this thread the comment section is auto filled with LisforLeslie’s name and email.
This sucks, and I’m sorry. It sounds so frustrating, and unfortunately I don’t see any end in sight unless your partner gets on board. You need to be on the same page, AND the messaging needs to come from him.
I think therapy might be your best bet, for him so he can learn how to set and enforce healthy boundaries with his parents, and couples counselling so you can effectively communicate how this is impacting you and come up with a plan to handle it. You would also benefit from individual therapy so you can learn to manage your anger in ways that don’t involve verbally abusing your partner (yelling at him is not okay).
If you can get him on board with removing their access to your home, I think the softest way to do it would be to tell them you’re changing the locks because you lost a key. If (when) they want a new one, your husband should tell them you’ve decided to have only one spare and keep it in the house unless and until you go away and someone needs it. If they push, he may have to explain that you (both) would like a little more privacy. They’ll have feelings about this and that’s okay – it’s not on you two to manage their feelings for them. This is where therapy for your husband would be very helpful.
If you don’t think you can do it, get the chain. Make it about it safety, not about them.
They might not get as upset as you imagine they will. My mother-in-law used to walk right into our home every time she came over (for planned visits). It’s cultural with close family for my in-laws, but it irked me, so I started locking the door. She kept trying the handle for awhile but eventually stopped, and now I don’t even need to lock the door anymore. She’s never seemed even slightly bothered by this.
You said your in-laws like to help around the house – what if ask them to install the chain? Say a neighbour saw a prowler or something and it would put your mind at ease. They might be delighted to help.
They might not get as upset as you imagine they will. My mother-in-law used to walk right into our home every time she came over (for planned visits). It’s cultural with close family for my in-laws, but it irked me, so I started locking the door. She kept trying the handle for awhile but eventually stopped, and now I don’t even need to lock the door anymore. She’s never seemed even slightly bothered by this.
You said your in-laws like to help around the house – what if ask them to install the chain? Say a neighbour saw a prowler or something and it would put your mind at ease. They might be delighted to help.
He needs to handle this. His parents, his problem. If he can’t stand up for what you need without attributing blame on you in front of his parents, that’s a big issue. A husband issue, not a parents issue.
I’d ask him to make clear boundaries and/or ask for the keys back. If this was your parents, I’d tell you to sit down with your husband, figure out what you want and need as a couple and you handle it. Don’t go as a couple, he should just do it. If you can’t trust him to do this… counseling?
