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Dear Wendy

My roommate bring home different guys during a pandemic.

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  • #1032595 Reply
    avatartinydancer2030
    Guest

    AITA for not wanting my roommate [21F] to bring home her random hookups during a pandemic?

    I’m feeling very disillusioned with my roommate right now for various reasons, but this is the last straw for me. I need to know if I’m being unreasonable. Background is that I have a boyfriend, my other roommate has a boyfriend, and the roommate I’m discussing in this post is single.

    We are experiencing a large spike in COVID cases where I live, particularly in variant cases. I’m feeling very nervous about it since I’m an asthmatic, and because the roommate in question is immunocompromised. Technically, we are in semi-lockdown, meaning that we can’t see anyone inside, but we can hang out in groups of 10 or less outside. Our boyfriends are allowed to come over, as well as my one roommate’s friend with benefits who doesn’t see anyone, even though that’s technically not allowed either.

    Recently, my roommate just met someone new, and brought him over to our house without permission. I wasn’t home that night, so whatever. When I found out about it, I texted her saying that I’m not comfortable with her bringing anyone home except for the original FWB like we agreed. She was understanding.

    However, the next day, she texted me asking if she could have the other guy over, too, since she is starting to really like him. I think it’s fair if all roommates are allowed one S/O over (in whatever form – boyfriend, FWB, etc) to fulfill our “needs” (if you will). So I respectfully told her that, and I said that if she wants to have the new guy over, she can no longer have FWB over because I don’t want to increase our risk of transmission. The more people we have in our house, the higher our risk. I told her that I wanted us all to be safe, and I am not comfortable having different guys over. I told her I am comfortable if she wants to see people outside, though.

    Well, she kept pushing the issue, saying she doesn’t want to choose between them, and wants to make the “most of her last month” (since she is graduating this spring and moving away). I told her that I sympathize, but COVID cases are still on the rise, hence we need to be careful. Then she got aggressive and started completely criticizing my logic. Then she got our other roommate to advocate for her and tell me I’m completely wrong. I didn’t want the drama so I caved. I don’t think the new guy is very careful about the pandemic, since he hooked up with my roommate whom he’s just met.

    I feel taken advantage of. I am upset because I am NOT comfortable having different guys over to our house because that directly exposes all of us to the virus. I would also like to point out that when cases spiked a few months ago, my roommates told me they weren’t comfortable with my boyfriend coming over, and I respected that. I did not see my boyfriend for 6 weeks. Don’t know what to do.

    #1032647 Reply
    avatarKate
    Keymaster

    So in your latest post before this one, you got a lot of advice about caving and being taken advantage of by your roommate, and then you did it again. I don’t know what to tell you except work with a therapist on getting over your fear of other people and holding your ground.

    Also, a guy I know who’s around 60 and owns a business, just got over Covid, and he said it was terrible. His teenage son got it first – he said probably from hanging out with friends without a mask – and then the whole household got it. You guys are putting your families in danger by having people over to “meet your needs.” Do you get that? People could actually die. This isn’t the time to be afraid of drama and cave.

    #1032680 Reply
    avatarFyodor
    Guest

    Also if you are in the US or UK, we are so close to the end of this. It’s particularly irresponsible to put people at risk when you literally just have to hold out for another six or eight weeks

    #1032684 Reply
    avatarKate
    Keymaster

    It’s not the US or UK, it’s a country near us that’s farther behind with vaccines, but like, if we’re in a 4th wave despite having vaccinated a good chunk of the country, it’s even more dangerous where she is.

    #1032688 Reply
    avatarLisforLeslie
    Guest

    Put your foot down. Your roommate can have sex in many different places besides her bedroom.

    And the fact that she’s not being cautious does mean that she’s likely to be a vector of transmission. So while I do sympathize with her last month of college life, in this case I think it better to live responsibly with a small regret of “what could have been if times were different” than the larger regret of “bringing home a disease that caused my roommate(s) to spend their last month of college in the hospital”.

    It’s that lack of foresight and care that is just infuriating and why so many people died needlessly.

    #1032701 Reply
    avatarKate
    Keymaster

    Seriously, LW, your fear of standing your ground is really going to hurt you if you don’t get a grip on it. You’re already seething with anger, which is unhealthy. You could get very sick and even be hospitalized or die (in the US it’s young people now getting seriously ill). And it’s going to cause you so many awful problems in relationships and at work. Please deal with it in therapy.

    #1032724 Reply
    avataranonymousse
    Participant

    “I didn’t want the drama so I caved.”

    But that is all you have now, the drama. You fell for her game again.

    So stop trying to stay out of the drama and tell your roommates that this is unacceptable and she can’t have multiple guys coming over right now. Don’t give in.

    She can get her needs met by going over to their place, or booking a hotel or something. How long do you have left in this apartment?

    I agree that you really need to make an appointment with a therapist and work on standing up for your needs. It’s a crucial skill as an adult.

    #1032729 Reply
    avatarLisforLeslie
    Guest

    Absolutely – her needs do not supersede your needs. In fact, I’d say your need to stay healthy should be a higher priority than her needs which can be met elsewhere. If she just needs to get her rocks off – she can do that pretty much anywhere on campus, in a car, under a tree.

    If she really thinks that this guy – that she will be dating for ONE FUCKING MONTH – is really super special then they will both want to start that relationship off on the right foot – and that means not getting people sick with something that can kill them.

    Unless they are fucking psychopaths.

    Learning how to say no is an important part of really becoming an adult.

    #1032807 Reply
    avatarCleopatra_30
    Participant

    I have two roommates as well, we are older though and one is well versed in the science field and also has bad asthma so is very cautious. We all agreed from the get go in November when we went into heavier restrictions that we wouldn’t have people over, even when I was seeing a guy for a couple months (he lived with his family) I agreed not to see him.

    This is not about logic at this point, this is about immaturity and her wanting her needs met. These trump all the logic and facts you can bring to her.

    It would be in your best interest to talk to your other roommate and hopefully get them on your side. As much as you can defend yourself the logic being played right now is if it meets their needs it trumps your concerns/logic, and if you are on your own with no additional support from your roommate it is also trumping your concerns. If you and your other roommate can band together and confront her more seriously, with two people in retaliation of her really careless actions she will be less likely to break the rules.

    This is not normal adult logic, but you aren’t dealing with that right now. You have a very selfish roommate who is trying to get her way for her needs and you need to address it the same way unfortunately.

    • This reply was modified 2 weeks, 1 day ago by avatarCleopatra_30.
    • This reply was modified 2 weeks, 1 day ago by avatarCleopatra_30.
    #1032833 Reply
    avatarBittergaymark
    Guest

    This is a rare case where the LW is 100% in the right. Meaning your dipshit roomie can simply find another place to fuck.

    #1032857 Reply
    avatarOracle
    Guest

    It does not matter if the roommate is “getting her needs meet” somewhere else. The exposure is still there. And there are just to many people going in and out here.

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