Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

My sister is pregnant before me, why am I sad about it?

Home Forums Get Advice, Give Advice My sister is pregnant before me, why am I sad about it?

Viewing 7 posts - 13 through 19 (of 19 total)
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  • #880150 Reply
    avatarMiel
    Participant

    In different ways, many of us have our expectations for the future flipped on their heads right now with this pandemic, but as your story shows, that’s just a part of everyday life too. I thought my wedding would be a certain way, but now with the pandemic, I realize it won’t. Some high school seniors thought that their prom would happen a certain way, but now they realize it won’t. You thought you would be the first daughter to have children, but now you realize you won’t.

    It’s normal to be disappointed when things don’t go according to the expectations you had. Sometimes this is the moment you realize you even had expectations about this topic! It’s possible this expectation was pretty sub-conscious until now! But that doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with your sister being pregnant first, and it shouldn’t negatively affect your actions toward her in any way. You’ll just have to think “ugh, I have to let go of this expectation I had!” and move on.

    Other things I want to bring up are unproductive thought patterns. You cannot predict the future, and you cannot read other people’s mind, so you have 100% no idea how your parents will react to the news of your pregnancy one day. They might react incredibly surprised and happy. They might not be happy for a thousand unrelated reasons. You don’t know, because you can’t predict the future and you can’t read other people’s mind, so it is unproductive to think “my parents won’t have the same level of excitement when it’s my turn”.

    Another unproductive though pattern is the idea that you had any amount of control over when your sister was going to have children and the way your parents would react to the news of grandchildren. So when you were expecting to be the first in the family to become pregnant, and when you were planning on how to tell your parents, that was a nice fantasy, but nothing more. In real-life, things rarely go according to fantasies. Maybe your sister was going to have children first, maybe your parents are going to die in an accident before you become pregnant, maybe you will have fertility problems and never become pregnant yourself, and so on… In one way or the other, it was incredibly unlikely that you would have had the pregnancy announcement of your dreams, so you were going to have to let go of that fantasy at one point or another.

    After some time thinking about this and living with your feelings of disappointment, I’m sure you’ll be able to think of new things to look forward to, such as your future kids having lovely older cousins to guide them through life for example.

    #880153 Reply
    avatarMaltaKano
    Guest

    Don’t feel guilty about your feelings. They are understandable and we all have feelings we wish we didn’t. Just don’t let them dictate your actions and don’t somehow punish your sister for this.

    FWIW, after watching my parents go nuts over my younger brother’s firstborn child, I am so happy I haven’t had a baby yet. My future kids won’t get the same overeager grandparent attention. It’ll be much more subdued after poor grandchild #1 had to bear the weight of all those family expectations.

    #880159 Reply
    avatarHelen
    Guest

    Maltakano has a good point. When my second son was born he was my 42 year old husband’s first bio child (my oldest son was 10 when we started dating) His dad had 2 other teenage grandkids when I went into labor. I wanted to be alone with my husband for my labor & the first 2 or 3 hours then have family do a quick visit. They all showed up to the hospital to hang out in the waiting room. I had complications. He had a true knot in his cord that we didn’t know about till he was born after a long labor that had to be stopped and restarted several times because his heartrate kept dropping. I felt like I was responsible for hosting them. It added stress to an already very stressful time. When we had our daughter 3 years later they waited for us to call them to come meet her. Everyone had the best intentions! But not having 10 people clamoring over my significant medical event was way better. They don’t love her any less and the stress on me was way reduced. Try to look on the bright side. You have to change your expectations, but it might be for the better

    #880657 Reply
    avatarmellanthe
    Participant

    When we’re reflecting on our own life, it’s not uncommon for people to feel somehow less than their loved ones who did things differently. I have friends who find facebook really hard because they are struggling to find the right relationship – and all t hey see is their friends getting engaged or having kids. It can feel like everyone but you has their life in order. When my friend was having fertility problems, dealing with seeing other pregnant women was difficult. These kind of thoughts don’t make you a bad person – however yo need to realise they reflect on you, and not the people you feel a bit envious of.

    Life happens differently than we expect – some of my friends swore they’d have a marriage and kids by 25 – didn’t happen to any of the ones who ‘planned’ their lives that way – because life is too complex to run to plan!

    I didn’t get married or had kids in a rush (early 30s and in a LTR) but then I never particularly planned my life or wanted to do those things early. Though I sometimes wish my life was set, like my friends who already found their one and settled down much earlier. Still, all you can do is focus on your life.

    Focus on what you’ve got going – a wonderful marriage in which you can plan to have kids when you’re ready – the only thing stopping you (as far as you know) is you and your partner.

    As a firstborn I can’t say I’ve ever seen it like you have – but grown up life doesn’t come with timetables, nor do we reach milestones basedon birth order. You know this, but it sounds like you need a little time to mourn your expectations, and move on.

    Your parents will be perfectly happy for you, too when the time comes!

    #966626 Reply
    avatarCo
    Guest

    You are not alone my little sister (18 months younger) just announced yesterday that she is expecting her first. I am excited for her and her husband, but I am sad because I really thought I would have a child before I was 30 (I am going on 32). I really want nothing more than to be a mom and seeing my little sister and her friends becoming moms make it a little harder because I have not been able to conceive successfully.

    I would think about whether it is the fact she is younger than you or if it is more your desire to be a mom that is making you sad.

    From seeing my mom’s excitement being told my sister is expecting her 1st child (my parents 4th grandchild), your parents will not be any less excited for you when you do become pregnant.

    #969150 Reply
    avatarBittergaymark
    Guest

    Again — trust me… your parents will so not be thrilled. Oh, and your sister will be single and broke and stuck raising a screaming brat before most of us have even taken the vaccine…

    Your jealousy is decidedly misplaced.

    #969485 Reply
    avatarbrise
    Guest

    No, there is no such “right of passage”. Anyway, you will have children for yourself, right, not for making big announcements to your parents. It is a bit strange, how you focus on that reveal day fantasy. Try to imagine that you keep your future pregnancy for yourself and your partner. Then: how does that feel?
    More essential, authentic.
    You will have children when you are ready, when it is the right time for you, hopefully. Don’t focus on such unimportant things. And enjoy your freedom while you have one because having a baby is tough – especially if you are 21!

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