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“My Wife is addicted To Conflict”

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This topic contains 19 replies, has 10 voices, and was last updated by avatar Stillrunning 4 months ago.

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  • #726351 Reply
    Dear Wendy
    Dear Wendy

    From a LW:

    My wife and i have been married 12 years. We have 2 kids too. An 8 year old boy and a 6 year old girl. I always gave her complete independence and freedom. We are both working professionals. It was always agreed that i will bear all expenses and investments from my income and she will save for the family for the future and that’s exactly what we did. I have never had any affairs or attempted to any. Since she started saving and climbing up the career ladder, her hunger for more money because obvious. Till today she has been saving and has reached easily over 2 million. Whereas i have a few thousands. Because of this financial difference, she looks at me differently for the past 8 years.

    1. If she doesn’t get her way, then there’s hell to pay. She uses verbal assaults and insults and always uses emotional intimidation on me, specially in front of our family and relatives. It makes her feel powerful to make me feel bad and insulted in front of our families. I am losing my own self-respect after 8 years of constantly growing insults from her.
    2. Unreasonable expectations – no matter how hard i try, it’s never enough. I have borne all living expenses since we got married and even continue to do to as we speak, but she keeps screaming that she is doing everything and i have done nothing in my life. When asked to justify, she screams more and gets narcissistic. She expects me to drop everything im doing even though she knows i would be at my job, but if she wants something she expects me to drop all my duties and run around the city to complete her errands, regardless of the inconvenience or the job-losing risk that i may face. She has an endless list of demands that no mortal could ever fulfill.
    3. Verbal abuse – This has been ever increasing over the years. Non-stop criticizing, threatening, screaming, yelling, swearing, sarcasm, humiliation, exaggerating my flaws, and making fun of me in front of my own children and others is a daily ritual.
    4. She does these evil things and i then stop talking to her and avoid her as much as i can. After a few days she either behaves like nothing ever happened and blames me for the silence! Or she knows im ignoring her and she puts up a double ignorance game with a lot of additions to make the plot more evil (like spending off money from my account on unwanted things, deliberately ignoring regulatory matters which require our joint presence so that we face a penalty and i become the one to be blamed….in fact she doesn’t care if the world ends as long as i lose!
    5. Constant chaos – She is addicted to conflict. She does that with the kids and her sisters and mother too. But with me the most. She already pushed me out of bed many years ago and suddenly she started accusing me of having affairs with any woman that passes by on the street. She even accused me of having affairs with her sisters and when i didn’t react in aggression, she now says that i have sexual feeling for my 6 year old daughter. This is shattering my heart and i feel like it’s better for me to die rather than listening to this bullshit every day. She constantly abuses me and then she plays ‘victim’.
    6. Emotional blackmail – She knows i love my kids more than anything in this world and she knows i will never leave them for her abuse. She openly tells me that she married me coz i live abroad in a rich country and she could get well paid jobs here, which she did. She says the kids are my responsibility and she has no duties towards either the home, the husband, or even the kids. She says her only aim is to work and build her wealth. She threatens me of police and court if i ever try to separate or divorce coz otherwise she will have to shell out expense from her pocket too which she doesn’t want to ever.
    7. Constant rejection – I work as a successful strategic advisor and have earned the respect from all my employers for my intellect. However, she deliberately asks me for opinions, and then spontaneously rejects them stating that they are just as worthless as i am. She pulls me into her matters puts me down as much as she can when i dont even ask or interfere in her matters.
    8. Isolation – She has verbally abused my entire family for many years now, and thrashed my friends, and started deliberate arguments in front of them to make it unpleasant for them to be around us or to visit us in the future.

    I feel trapped, alone, totally depressed, and emotionally abused in this marriage. I can leave her today but the faces of my naive kids holds me back. They have no clue what’s going on. I have tried everything in the book. Whenever i try to communicate calmly, she totally rejects and says she’s not bothered to her my side of the conversation and calls it complete ‘nonsense’. She says there can never be a better woman, a better wife, better mother than her in the world. I have been asking her to jointly visit family counselors and psychologists to save our marriage…to date, she denies that she needs any help or improvement and i am the only one who needs to be mentally treated.

    Please feel free to share my experience with other viewers in case they want to share their views and how they are dealing with similar situations.

    #726353 Reply
    Boo Berry Waffles

    You both seem fixated on the money aspect of things, but what about other household duties? How evenly are things like chores and child rearing divided between you both?

    It’s obviously never okay to be weaponizing your words against the people you love, but if she’s resistant to counseling, the next step would be to figure out just why she’s so angry to begin with. If you’re contributing to the financial aspect of everything but the traditionally gendered tasks keep falling to her, I can see how aggressive resentment would fester (though, still not justify the commentary).

    If it’s something else, then that needs to be explored to. But heads up, you don’t get a pat on the back for “never having or considering an affair”. That’s baseline decent human stuff.

    #726357 Reply

    I think the money is a separate issue. Having a good job and making money don’t make you verbally and emotionally abusive. I think that’s just who she is. If she wasn’t always like that, then I think she potentially has developed some emotional problems over time. It sounds like you’re taking your own insecurities related to the money she’s making and potentially her effects on your self-esteem and making the assumption that the money is making her mean.

    If she won’t go to counseling, I don’t know what else there is to do. I think you need to reconsider taking divorce off the table. I get that you’re worried about leaving your kids with her, but it’s not healthy for them to watch this as it is. They’re either learning to act like her or they’re learning that if a partner treats them that way, they should just put up with it. Consult with a lawyer to see your options. Also, you should go to a counselor on your own even if she won’t go and that may help you gain clarity in regard to what is going on and what to do.

    #726359 Reply

    This sounds terrible and completely untenable. Quite frankly, I’m not sure why you’re still in this marriage if your portrayal of things is even close to accurate. It’s hard to tell if there’s a disparity in earnings, or if “she” has simply acquired vastly more in savings because your earnings have gone towards all expenses for the entire family. Her accusations regarding your feelings towards your 6 year old daughter should be a deal breaker in and of themselves, I don’t know how a marriage could ever recover from that type of accusation.

    I’m not sure what country you’re in and what the applicable divorce laws would be, but I think you need to make appointments with both a divorce attorney and a counselor immediately!

    Also, in response to Boo Berry, the OP states that all of the child-rearing and home responsibilities fall on his shoulders. I also think he only mentioned that he wasn’t having affairs and had never considered one because of his wife’s fixation on that, in addition to the financial issues.

    #726360 Reply

    I disagree with the idea of counseling. Even if ya’ll get counseling, there’s still a history of emotional and verbal abuse from her. That’s hard to erase from the relationship because who can ever really forget that kind of stuff?

    Honestly, when a person is abusive to their spouse, I don’t think it’s on the spouse to help them fix it. They need to fix that shit on their own with a WHOLE lot of counseling. But the person has to be aware of the problem and willing to fix it (which most abusers aren’t)

    Next, your kids are fully aware of what’s going in your marriage. Even if you think that you’re hiding it. You’re not. Kids know everything! Even if they can’t articulate to you what’s going on, they know that the relationship between you and your wife, isn’t quite right.

    Can you hire a good lawyer who will fight for you to have custody of your children? I seriously, think you have to get a divorce from her. If you were a woman, we’d tell you to RUN!!!! To get out of there!

    #726364 Reply

    You need an attorney and to start documenting, and getting witnesses. Build your case to leave with full custody of your kids this can’t be saved. Seriously get an attorney.

    #726366 Reply

    How do you know that as soon as the kids are in college (and who is paying for that?) that she won’t leave you high and dry and take all of her money with her?

    She sounds like a nightmare of insecurities and mental issues. Therapy is your first step. Couples counseling is a next step. Divorce is the next step. If she won’t attend couples counseling – then you may need to leave. But do it carefully and make a plan. Meet with a financial counselor. Use resources that help people in abusive relationships. They may be able to connect you to a divorce attorney who has experience with similar cases.

    Also, and it’s not something I would use as a first step, check your state’s laws on recording and whether you have one or two party consent. If you have one party consent, consider recording some of your encounters, especially if she ever takes it out on the kids. That might help with custody as well. I don’t know though, I don’t do family law and I would ask a lawyer if there’s any benefit. But you have to check the law first.

    #726367 Reply

    If you are in the US half of her saved money is yours so you are no poorer than she is. You need to make sure you can document what she has in her name. Talk to a lawyer about a divorce and custody of the kids.

    #726369 Reply

    In regard to counseling, the purpose of counseling isn’t necessarily the save the marriage or for one party to fix the other, though. It helps you see where things are at and whether they can get better. In this case, I think it would be clear it can’t get better. I would personally be done yesterday, but the LW seems to need more confirmation that it cannot be fixed prior to divorce.

    #726371 Reply

    I think he should definitely go to counseling to work through her abuse but I don’t think they should go through couples counseling. There’s no saving that marriage, it’s over!

    #726374 Reply

    I don’t even think she’d consent to counseling. She doesn’t think there is a problem. I agree with CJ in that if this were a woman writing in, we’d tell her to run! LW, RUN!

    But first, hire a good lawyer/divorce attorney to figure out what you need to do to protect your children and yourself. Honestly, do you want them growing up in this kind of dynamic? It’s toxic. You’re not protecting them by staying. You’re hurting them.

    @BooBerry – I too think he mentioned the no cheating thing because she’s accusing him of it. It also sounds like he takes care of most of the household chores and errands. I’m not sure we read the same letter? His words…

    “She says the kids are my responsibility and she has no duties towards either the home, the husband, or even the kids. She says her only aim is to work and build her wealth.”

    That arrangement only works if that’s the deal before marriage and one spouse isn’t verbally/mentally abusive. I would feel the same regardless of anatomy.

    #726376 Reply

    She sounds like fun. Seems like you put up with a lot for no reason at all. Defend yourself man!

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