- July 11, 2019 at 12:35 pm #847820
This girl may have acted out when first living with you and your daughter. Grief is awful and terrible, and she was reeling from JUST LOSING HER MOTHER. Depending on how you acted i can see you exasperating that. From all you’ve written i doubt you were kind and full of empathy. You probably felt the need to assert your “dominance” as the woman of the house, maybe even thought you could act like her mother…
At this point. You need therapy so that you can talk out your issues with a neutral party who can also give you some coping mechanisms. I’d also start by humbling yourself and genuinely apologizing to the girl for your part in this tense relationship. If you don’t want to do those things, or if you do and they don’t help then you MOA.
Your boyfriend and his daughter are a PACKAGE DEAL. Like you can’t imagine cutting your daughter out of your life, he’s not going to cut his out either (no matter how much you heartlessly want him to. and wanting her to lose her sole living parent is heartless). If you can’t handle the fact that they’re a package deal and if you stay with him she will be in your life then you MOA.July 11, 2019 at 12:45 pm #847824
“dad moved out 2 years prior with me and my daughter”
If he moved directly from the family home where he lived with his wife and daughter to living with you and your daughter then it sounds like it was an affair. Were they even divorced when the mom died? Is the only reason he still owned the house because they owned it jointly and hadn’t yet divorced? If the divorce was complete and the mom got it then the daughter probably owns the house. I’m guessing she doesn’t own the house but it is possible.
If you were an affair the odds are high that his daughter will never like you. You will always be the evil woman who harmed her mom. It took two to have the relationship but it is always easier to blame the outsider over the parent. Especially when that parent is your only parent. When a relationship starts ugly it tends to run ugly and end ugly.
This is the relationship you are going to have with him. You take him or leave him as he is, which in this situation is him with his daughter. If you can’t stand her and see no better future with her then your best bet is to move on. You may love him but you aren’t happy living with him.July 11, 2019 at 12:52 pm #847828
Yeah, the clarification updates regarding the relationship timeline are not doing the LW any favors…July 12, 2019 at 6:07 am #847901
It’s not your house, LW – even if you pay 50/50 in utilities. It’s the house that belonged to your fiance’s first family (right?). Now it belongs to your fiancé and his daughter, depending on the life insurance the mom had. In any case: not legally your house.
To your question (or venting) I would just say this: you will not ‘win’ this one. Get out for everyone’s sanity. Make a home for you and your daughter. Then go from there. Take it easy.July 12, 2019 at 6:57 am #847908
Did this girl’s mother die from a long illness. Did your fiancé skip out, leaving daughter responsible for mother? The timeline is fishy and your engagement seems very long. It sounds like you are an affair partner that this man has no intention of marrying and that he feels guilty for abandoning his family. I don’t think this is going to work out for you.July 12, 2019 at 4:16 pm #847947
I don’t think your focus should be on whether you “deserve” to stay there or not. You’re either happy in your marriage or not. You don’t seem to be. You hate your stepdaughter (which presumably has resulted in some of her behavior — no one is going to treat someone who hates them with respect). You don’t like how her father relates to her. You don’t like your living situation. Instead of deciding that you should stay on principle and because you’re angry and hate her, why not think about what’s best for you?
You have no evidence to suggest that any of this will change. Your husband doesn’t appear interested in kicking her out. I think you two (you and the stepdaughter) have probably reached the point of no return where your relationship is not salvageable (and you don’t seem like the kind of person who would want to salvage it even if you could). At this point, you have to decide how many more year of this you want to deal with. Unless you get some satisfaction out of being angry and hating someone, I think you need to find a relationship where you are happier.