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Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Need advice about a woman that just shot me down

Home Forums Get Advice, Give Advice Need advice about a woman that just shot me down

  • This topic has 10 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 1 week, 1 day ago by Anonymous.
Viewing 11 posts - 1 through 11 (of 11 total)
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  • #1101203 Reply
    John Doe
    Guest

    Ok se here is the back story:

    A few months ago I started a new job. There was these female colleague working there.

    First few months we were just colleagues, exchanging only pleasantries (goodmorning, goodbye etc)

    Then suddenly one day I started noticing her with my peripheral vision looking at me constantly, when she’d pass in front of my office to go to the bathroom she would have her eyes locked on me, also sometimes in the kitchen or in the hallway etc.

    Of course this could all be in my imagination. But sometimes I would actually turn to look, and she was looking at me, sometimes she would smile, sometimes she would look away.

    Up to this point we never really interacted much socially. Then the last 3 weeks, she starts doing this thing where one day she is super attentive to me, the next day she pretends I don’t exist, then again goes back to being super attentive.

    For example she would shush people if they would interrupt me while talking, or she would come while i was talking to someone else and ask me to tell her what I was talking about etc.

    I should note that what I thought was her staring at me continued, even on days she was ignoring me socially.

    In any case, while I never thought about this person romantically before, after what I thought was her flirting, I actually started to have feelings for this person. I assumed that her behavior was some sort of mind game to achieve this exact goal, never the less, I fell for it.

    At this point I should note, after I noticed her glancing at me all the time, I found out she has a boyfriend. Also I must say, that I am in a relationship too, and she knows it. In any case, my relationship was long distance for a long time, and seemed like it had no future, so I ended it. But the woman doesnt know im single.

    At this point I am ashamed to say that she was on my mind constantly, and even though I knew I shouldn’t I told her how I felt, this was like an hour ago. She says she has a boyfriend, and that there is nothing going on between us.

    Obviously I’m hurting, but at the same time I don’t know how to square her rejection with her behavior at work during the last few months

    So I’m asking please, if someone can help me understand what just happened, the only scenarios I can come up with are these:

    a) I am delusional, and all the behavior I ascribed to her was only ever in my head

    b) I am not delusional, and maybe that’s her normal behavior with everyone and i just misunderstood

    c) She does indeed like me, but doesn’t want to be the person that leaves her boyfriend for another man

    d) She is manipulative and likes to make men chase her

    e) Some explanation I have not thought of

    P.S. – please understand that I am hurting. I have no need for replies about how ‘she is a bad person so just move on’. If it was that easy to move on from a person you have feelings for, I would have done it.

    I need to know what just happened or else im gonna go crazy, and I need to know if I still have a shot, maybe at some point in the future when she is single

    #1101211 Reply
    Tui
    Participant

    I think the answer is a mix of a & b. But it doesn’t really matter the reason as there is no chance of a relationship now or in the future based on what she has said. You are probably feeling embarrassed and humiliated more than anything right now, but please just continue to be polite when you have any interaction with her. There is nothing to say she is a bad person manipulating any man she says hello to, or that she’s been playing games to hook you in.

    #1101215 Reply
    anonymousse
    Participant

    I think A and B, too. It sounds to me like it was all in your head and that you don’t have much experience gauging interest by women in person.

    I don’t think she’s a bad person, but because you work with her and nothing at all has happened between you, I do think you need to try your best to put this behind you and move on. Just be cordial at work. Don’t be weird towards her. I’m sorry you’re hurting, but it’s probably best to date women outside of work who aren’t already in relationships.

    #1101216 Reply
    FYI
    Guest

    Agree that it’s a mix of A and B. Please get the D scenario out of your head, because that is unfair to her and kinda headed into incel territory. (Not saying that’s what you are, but that D is something an incel would say.)

    #1101217 Reply
    Kate
    Keymaster

    It concerns me that you feel she “shot you down,” could be “manipulative,” playing “mind games,” and maybe a “bad person.”

    You are the one who confessed romantic feelings for a female co-worker who isn’t single and who, it sounds like, literally just ~existed~ at work and you had no extracurricular friendship with at all.

    Women at work are there to do their job and get a paycheck. Unless you’re hanging out together or messaging outside of work, they are not dating prospects for you. It isn’t appropriate to ask them out or tell them you have feelings for them. Even if you think they look at you a lot or smile at you. It is normal to look at people at work and to glance into offices you walk by. Being nice to a coworker has nothing to do with romantic interest.

    Is it possible this woman maybe thought you were cute and had a little crush? Sure, maybe. Totally maybe not, but anything is possible. However, she was not giving you any signs that she was available or would like to spend time with you outside work. My friend told me her “work crush” is this guy who leads the managed solutions product area. But she has a long-time partner and isn’t actually interested in anything with this guy. Similarly there are people at work I really like and admire, and look at a lot, some of whom are women, but I am married, straight, and have zero interest in anything ever happening with them and would find it incredibly problematic if they told me they like me like me.

    Anyway, don’t ask women out unless you already have established a friendship or other connection outside of work and you’re both single.

    • This reply was modified 1 month ago by Kate.
    #1101219 Reply
    LisforLeslie
    Guest

    Even if it was d what’s appealing about a person who plays games, is inconsistent, and is manipulative?

    One day she’s attentive the next ignores you? That’s a relationship red flag right there. But I think everyone else is right, she just existed and you assumed intent and interest.

    #1101224 Reply
    bloodymediocrity
    Participant

    The answer is: The reason is 100% irrelevant because the answer was “no”. It is now on you to move past it.

    The answer could be A, B, or C. I don’t think we have enough information here to accurately judge. Though again I need to reiterate, it doesn’t actually matter.

    I think you should consider the possibility that the early “exchanged glances” where actually her checking to see if you were staring at her because you make her uncomfortable.

    Most importantly, D is extremely toxic thinking and you really need to check yourself when thoughts like this creep in.

    It’s frankly a bit concerning that you’re hurting this much over what is essentially a crush. I also find it a little concerning that you thought anyone here would read what you wrote and give the advice ‘she is a bad person so just move on’.

    You would do well analyzing your feelings and interactions with women, possibly with a therapist, because I feel like there is an unwarranted amount of intensity here.

    Meanwhile, in the future, get to know someone better before asking them out, and don’t take it personally if they say no.

    #1101316 Reply
    Ele4phant
    Guest

    It sounds like she’s being a normal, cordial colleague to you.

    Also you are AT WORK. Worry less about why you confused her behavior as romantic interest and more about having a nice chat with HR and then having to find a new job.

    #1101330 Reply
    ron
    Guest

    “House progressives remain so determined to achieve historic gains on many fronts that they have been open to negotiations again and again”

    Why in the world would you even vaguely suspect that she would call her a bad person? You told the story and there is nothing in that story which is even faintly off or bad about her.

    “suddenly one day I started noticing her with my peripheral vision looking at me constantly,” Translation: I was constantly looking at her, but I thought I was being cool and not looking straight-on at her, so she and nobody else would notice.

    ” sometimes I would actually turn to look, and she was looking at me, sometimes she would smile, sometimes she would look away.” Translation: she did notice that you were constantly looking at you and was wondering wtf was up.

    “I am in a relationship too, and she knows it. In any case, my relationship was long distance for a long time, and seemed like it had no future, so I ended it.” Translation: with no encouragement from this woman and never even asking her on a date, you ended your LDR relation to launch into this fantasy relationship. Both ‘relationships’ seem to have been going on only within your head.

    You knew she had a bf when you told her how you felt about her. That wasn’t cool and it’s not surprise that she told you she wasn’t interested. That shouldn’t really hurt you and you weren’t shot down, you simply got the inevitable answer from a woman who was already in a relationship and not interested in cheating on her bf. That makes her a good person, not a bad person.

    With all the time you spent covertly staring at and fantasizing about this woman, it’s a wonder you got a passable amount of work done. Maybe you didn’t and are on management’s watch list.

    I don’t know why she asked you what you and another worker were talking about. Possibly she thought you were talking about her. How did you learn that she had a bf? Was it asking a fellow worker? In that case she might well not be happy about you talking about her to fellow workers.

    You seem more than mildly obsessed with this woman. Not healthy. Has to be a bit scary for her. She might well report you to HR.

    #1101331 Reply
    Fyodor
    Guest

    You will never know. Don’t date your coworkers. Don’t pursue people that are in relationships and don’t pursue other women when you’re in a relationship.

    #1101719 Reply
    Anonymous
    Guest

    The best advice I’ve heard comes from the movie The Wedding Singer, and I’m paraphrasing, but it’s “why do you want to dance with a girl that doesn’t want to dance with you?” You need to move on.
    I don’t think telling you she has a boyfriend even counts as shooting you down. It means she’s involved, and that has nothing to do with you as an individual or your worth, or attractiveness. She’s unavailable to you and it’s as simple as that. Sometimes we crush, we misread social cues, and we misinterpret. As long as you didn’t say anything terribly awkward or rude you’re fine to move on with your life and just regard her as a nice co worker. It doesn’t have to be awkward between you going forward as long as you don’t make it weird for her. Just be normal and cordial.
    But, I’d like to make mention of the fact that you pursued her even though you knew she had a boyfriend. Don’t ever do that again. I doubt that she knew you knew about her being in a relationship at the time you asked her out, or whatever it was you said. Please don’t knowingly pursue women in relationships. Not only is it rude and immature, it’s incredibly hurtful to the other man, and it says a lot about the kind of woman you’re looking at dating. Anyone who drops a guy to be with you isn’t thinking you’re this stellar, hottie that she needs to get with, she’s doing it because she lacks a moral compass and has commitment issues. Only drama will follow.
    Sidenote: I think you did the right thing by ending your long distanced relationship. It’s clear it wasn’t going anywhere and good on you for being honest to your ex partner.

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