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Dear Wendy

Need advice on getting back together with my ex

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  • #857833 Reply
    avatarElla
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    So my boyfriend and I dated for a few months (mind you I’m still in high school). And it was really good, honestly In comparison to my friends and my previous “relationships” it was the best I’ve seen. We didn’t do arguing, if one of us was upset we’d talk it out and fix it. Always. And I can’t describe how perfect we
    We’re for each other, we had everything in common. In hs relationships don’t last forever and typically don’t consider the future, but we started making plans a few months in. Going on family trips together, what we do about college and what if we moved away from eachother. All of it. And a few weeks before we broke up, I met all his friends and he made such a big deal about how well it went. He said he was so happy that I liked his friends and that they got along with me and liked me. His parents also loved me and my parents him. So to me, it was all working out perfect. But then one weekend he went to the shore with his friends for the last weekend before summer was over. And he was supposed to leave the trip early to see me that Monday, and he did. And all while was there he texted me and FaceTimed and told me he missed me and everything was normal. But then Monday came and he said he got in trouble and couldn’t see me and said “Ella I am so sorry, I’m pissed at my parents for this. I love you. I miss you my love.” So I thought he genuinely was sad he couldn’t see me. So I let it go. But that night he called and said it wasn’t working anymore, refused to explain and that was it. I dropped off all his clothes and things I had and we both cried. It was so frustrating because he was the first boy I ever said I love you back to. And I meant it. And now he couldn’t even explain how we could go from perfect to over. Within a week we were still talking, but it got too hard. I didn’t think it was fair that he still got me as a close friend when I wanted more. So several times I told him I couldn’t stay friends and at least for now I needed him to leave me alone. He did not. Every now and again he’d send me a funny video or something that happens in his day to make him think of me. And it hurt. So I stopped responding, didn’t open his snaps, and cried myself to sleep for weeks. Until one night he said he needed to tlak and that he knew I wanted space but that it was urgent. So we did and he told me what happened down the shore. He and his friends met a girl. She apparently took psych in her junior year of hs and found Matt cute. His friends talked about me and how perfect he and I were and all that and he agreed. And she said that from her class she learned that if you and your significant other never argue, you’re in a toxic relationship. She went on all night telling him why our relationship was toxic, and he believed her. I was furious when he said this, to me that was so stupid. But I also missed him so I forgave him and told him he’d just have to work to regain what we had. And he said he’d do whatever it took to do that. Now my friends have asked, how could you believe his story abt that girl. And it’s simply that I know him. And I get the outsider point of view and you prob think I’m naive but I do, I know him. And he is so honest. He tells me things he knows will upset me regardless because he can’t stand lying to me. And he takes everything to heart, he’s extremely sweet and thoughtful, and I know that he wouldn’t hurt me. But the next day we were talking and he started saying he was nervous about how my parents would feel about him. I figured they’d get over it and not care, we are teenagers and we make mistakes. But this turned into our first big fight. He kept saying he couldn’t handle how guilty he felt and how mi h my parents might not like him and he couldn’t handle that he’d do that to me. So I said that something else must’ve happened for him to make such a big deal. He said no nothing else happened its just that he knew I was heartbroken and that he couldn’t believe he could do that someone he loved. I said some mean things. I was hurt. It felt like a trick, giving me false hope that we’d be okay, and then just taking it away without letting me fight for it. I said mean things, unfollowed and unadded him. In return he blocked me, on Instagram and my phone. And I’ve been a wreck ever since. I can’t move on. This feels different than anything else. Idk what to do. I miss him everyday. And I’ve been relatively okay recently. I have sobbed about it in a while. But the other night I realized that just recently he unblocked me on Instagram. And I’m public now so he can see my stuff. But this got me all worked up. He’s thinking about me? Why didn’t he follow me? Why did he bother unblocking me? Do I follow him? Should I try to text him? Why, why now? I need advice on what to do. I know we are young and he’s probably not my forever, but I was so happy with him. He genuinely made me so happy, and I know at least for the rest of hs I’m not going to find someone I match with like him. We are weird, but not too weird. Like Jeopardy was our thing, and all kinds of dorky stuff, but we aren’t dorks. And I just miss talking to him. When something good or bad or exciting or sad happens, I always want to call him first. And if he unblocked me, does that mean he’s feeling the same? I don’t know what to do. Please help.

    #857837 Reply
    avatarPeggy
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    Hi Ella-I am sorry you are hurting. The thing is that he did something to hurt you. I am not sure if he cheated on you with this that girl or he was unsure about the relationship and he let her influence him into breaking up with you.
    Who knows what happened? I think he feels bad and he feels guilty and really that is all that can be known at the moment.
    I would not contact him-any movement towards getting back together has to come from him-otherwise you won’t know if he is just “being nice” and his guilt is keeping him “stuck in this pattern with you” because he knows you still want him and he behaved badly.
    If he does want to see you again as a girlfriend,I would keep it light and casual for awhile. You are ,as you said, young. Balance dating with hobbies,sports,friends,work etc. Take things “slow” either with him or anyone else you may date. I know this hurts,but remember he made “the choice” to hurt you,for whatever reason.

    #857852 Reply

    Ella, it’s time to move on. He wasn’t manipulated by some girl down the shore to break up with you out of nowhere. Not to mention, when you forgave him and took him back, he still didn’t want to be with you again. It sucks. I know it hurts. We’ve all been there. But-I promise you that staying fixated on him will only bring you pain. If he was worth your time and love, he wouldn’t have left you for a random chick at the beach.
    Good guys don’t do that.

    Get busy with your friends. Distraction will help. Time will help.

    Block him and stop checking on his social media. He’s not worth your time.

    #857912 Reply
    avatarPart-time Lurker
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    Ella, there’s a reason this guy is your “ex”. If it didn’t work the first time around, it’s not going to work the second or the third or…ever. And it doesn’t matter why. It’s not an easy thing to accept and many people never do (check out all the old posts from people who are trying to make something work for the umpteenth time) but it IS a reality. You’re young focus on the future given time all of this pain, confusion and angst really will subside.

    #858152 Reply
    avatarEva Szekely
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    Your boyfriend is toxic. You deserve so much better than this selfish drama king who causes you only heartache. Focus on your studies, take up a new hobby. If you have a few good girlfriends, meet them more often. Girls can be incredibly understanding and helpful, and you won’t feel alone anymore.

    #858153 Reply
    avatarLeon
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    So delusional of you to think you know him. I mean, at your age you barely have grasped the sense of knowing yourself.

    He is lying. He probably hooked up with that girl, and came up with that bullshit. I mean, at your age is really easy to get drunk and have a fling.

    I may be wrong. But who knows, it doesn’t change the fact that he had chosen to hurt and neglect your feelings. That’s not a cool thing to do to someone you love.

    I think you need to move on. Block him everywhere, and if he makes contact, tell him that you don’t want to know about him anymore. It hurts, but it’s better in the long run. It is better to kick the stone away, than tripping on it again.

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