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Dear Wendy

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  • #1001747 Reply

    Vent session: I need any feedback or advice. So me and bf been together for 8 about to be 9 years. I’m starting to get frustrated cause I feel like I’m doing everything so far when it comes getting things prepared for the baby.  As of right now he is not working since October/November and I told him before he leaves that job make sure he is able to get or find another job. This is not his first time doing this where he gets a job and can’t stay with a job for more than 3 or 6 months. The longest job that he had where he stayed for more than a year was back in 2014. He currently would help his dad with whatever job he would get like construction job or doing lawn service. But as of now everything is falling on me. Like I’m the one reaching out to photographers about pricing for photoshoot and venues for inquiries about renting a hall for a baby shower. He hasn’t really asked what he can do to help or took the initiative to do anything. I feel like he should take the initiative in saying “Oh I reached out to do and or I found out the pricing for this” but nothing. All he said was “how much is his half and he’ll figure out something”. And buying things for the baby.

    Before he got his stimulus the only things that was bought was a stroller/car seat set and few other things that his mom bought. Since his stimulus he bought a few things. But me thinking locally like if we weren’t getting a stimulus how was he going to buy most of these things. From the outside looking in I have ppl telling me that I’m settling because I accomplished a lot of things in my life like: Graduated with 3 degrees, own my own business, potentially going back to school, have 2 jobs. And he hasn’t accomplished anything. Being that I currently work full time now and saving up I know when the time come I will have to be on maternity leave I’m due mid-March and then I will have to depend on him but in the back of my mind I’m like I really can’t right now. Another thing he made a suggestion in the beginning of my pregnancy that I move-in with him. He lives with his parents. And I live my parents. My parents think that wouldn’t be a good decision because why would I leave a house where I’m living rent-free with no bills beside phone bill to move-in with him to start paying his parent rent. They rather if we find a place on our own. They also feel that for us to be together this long why hasn’t he proposed or made an effort to marry me. While his parents and and my parents sat down and talk they asked him what is he going to do. He gave them a time frame of January that he will make an effort in at least putting the steps in marrying me like proposing. But I already knew that’s not going to happen. I don’t want my parents forcing him to do that.

    In my mind if he wanted to do it he would of done it already. They just feel like he won’t be able to provide for me and the baby. I love him but if you take out the love aspect, love is not going help pay for things that the baby will need. Do you guys think I’m overreacting. Feedback I advice is greatly appreciated. Don’t mind my grammatical errors I was just writing how I was feeling.

    #1002050 Reply

    Honestly? Ever consider adoption?

    No. Seriously. Why are you having this baby? It’s a disaster from every possible perspective. This guy is a loser. He will ONLY drag you down.

    PS — you two are broke, but worrying about photographers and baby shower venues? NEWSFLASH: you are no Kardashian. WTF are you doing?!

    #1002089 Reply

    “Graduated with 3 degrees, own my own business, potentially going back to school, have 2 jobs.”

    Please add single mom to that list.

    “The longest job that he had where he stayed for more than a year was back in 2014” 7 YEARS ago. My, what an accomplishment.

    “I will have to depend on him” – yeah, that will never ever happen.

    “a baby shower” – Aside from the obvious that you can’t afford this – the parents of the child to never ever throw their own baby shower. Your family and friends hold one FOR you. If you do it then it is just a tacky gift grab.!,upon%20by%20the%20manners%20police.

    Ditch the guy. Take your three degrees and focus on supporting yourself and your child to be. You have wasted 9 years of your life on this loser – do you want to waste your child’s life on this loser also?

    #1002282 Reply

    I don’t understand by what you mean by thinking that I am a kardashian. I was not planning on having lavish or extravagant event. Just going to a small event with friends and family. It just a baby shower and maternity photoshoot to have memories as this is my first pregnancy. And no adoption was never a consideration.

    #1002287 Reply

    No one offered to throw a baby shower. So I took upon myself to one just to have some memories that I can share with my baby. No I don’t want waste my child like or let her see me like this. Thank you

    #1002673 Reply

    He’s a man-baby who has no interest in being a partner. it’s not that he can’t get a job, he’s not even looking for work. He has no interest in the child and only sees it as a financial obligation.

    He’s asking to move in because then he doesn’t have to listen to his parents bug him about getting a job, getting married and being a father.

    So then you’ll be responsible for rent, and utilities and child care and child care costs (“I can’t take care of the baby I’m a man/looking for work/doing man-baby things!”) and you’ll be responsible for cleaning the apartment and making meals, doing the shopping and all of the other things that come with being a functioning adult.

    Why you stuck with someone with no ambition for this long is beyond me but you are now tied to him for the next 20 years. Stay with your parents, make sure you talk to a lawyer about child support. Aim higher in the future.

    #1002681 Reply

    I had exactly the same reading as Bittergaymark. Why doesn’t he help you organise a photoshoot and a babyshower? Because he can’t afford it – he is broke and jobless – and because it is unncessary. Frankly, family make lovely photographs. No need to call a professional. My best kids’ pictures were made by me or my family. And the baby avenue: useless, especially in a Covid-time. You don’t want to get sick now. When you will have your baby, your family and friends will visit you, little by little, and will offer you gifts for your newborn.
    The idea to move in with him and his parents: you are right. A very bad idea. Thank god, he didn’t propose. That was smart of him – as his no-go for the photoshoot and babyshower – because he can’t support you and your family. He is in not place, personally and professionally, to carry on the responsibilities of a family father and husband. I hope he does help you practically, with the groceries. He did with the really necessary things (like, you know, … a stroller/car seat).
    I would consider him as a co-parent, who has good intentions, but has his limits. Don’t marry him, don’t live with him, organise yourself as a single mother and set up a timetable for him to co-parent (custody time and money). I would see a lawyer for that, to establish a timetable and a custody support adapted to his means and maturity.
    This would be money much better spent.
    Then consider yourself single and rewrite your success story.

    #1002713 Reply

    Well, I think we are collectively baffled by your decisions.

    Decision to stick with a guy who doesn’t like to work.
    Decision to have a CHILD with that guy.
    Decision to rely on parents even though you have three degrees and a successful business and two jobs. (This is … confusing?)
    Decision to go back to school even with a baby on the way.
    Decision to host a party for yourself during a PANDEMIC.
    Decision to assert that the health rules don’t apply to you because you want “memories” for your baby.
    Decision to focus on a pandemic party when you have very serious financial and personal issues in your child’s immediate future.

    All of these decisions are on you. Whether you see it or not, you are 100% a single mother at this point. He will not be helping, and now you’ve put your parents in the position of helping you raise your child. You have two months (!!!) to get therapy to improve your decision-making.

    Sounds harsh, but — sheesh. Your hair’s on fire, and you’re complaining about the weather.

    #1002734 Reply

    If your bf cannot even take the initiative to get a job and make a plan to move out of his parents’ house, he sure as hell is NEVER going to take any initiative to help plan a baby shower (which you should not be having, because dying from covid isn’t something you want for your yourself or your friends and family). He’s never going to be a pro-active partner, who sees what needs to be done and does it. If you stick with this guy, you’ll be the one doing EVERYTHING. You think he’s going to be the one to find recipes for dinner and make grocery lists? To research daycare options or sign your kid up for swim lessons? If you stay with him, he will continue to be a drag on your time and energy. You can’t depend on him for financial or any other kind of support.
    Much better to break up now and form a co-parenting relationship – otherwise you’re facing down years and years of extra work and resentment.

    #1002759 Reply

    Your parents are giving you good advice.

    The decision making here hasn’t been great. You know this guy is a deadbeat; he won’t hold a job, has no interest in moving your relationship forward, and he isn’t investing into becoming a dad. It sounds like those around you recognize this and haven’t been very supportive. You need to accept that you’ll be doing this on your own and plan accordingly. Put cash away now for your maternity leave, look at community swap websites and secondhand stores to get what you still need- there is seriously tons of gently used baby stuff people will either outright give you or sell for a song. Look into WIC and other programs you may be eligible for. Talk to a lawyer about setting up visitation and child support. Look at your monthly income and start looking for daycare in your budget now (wait lists of several months are not unusual).

    The fact that you’re spending money throwing yourself a shower and getting professional maternity photos right now makes it seem like you are focused on the wrong things. Parties and photos really don’t matter when you need to be planning for single parenthood and can’t get what you need for this baby on your own. Adoption is a viable choice that should be seriously considered.

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