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Dear Wendy

Need advice partner of 9 years has been deceitful

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  • #1101823 Reply
    Laura
    Guest

    Hi everyone. So my partner of 9 years has been deceitful. When we met we both had Facebook. He got jealous and asked me to delete my account so I did and said it’s only fair if he did too. He said he did. Anyway a few years ago I asked a friend to look his account up and I found it still active. I confronted him about it he said he didn’t know why it was still active as he definitely deleted it and swore he didn’t know why. I believed him. I actually said listen if you want Facebook I’m absolutely fine with that but I will also get my Facebook back as I miss contact with old friends too. He still denied it and said he didn’t want social media as it causes trouble etc.
    Anyway roll on a few years and we both agreed to get out Facebook back. He told me to delete any men off my Facebook and any photos that other men have liked so I did.
    Turns out I’ve found that a year ago (during time he said he didn’t have Facebook) he had liked another woman’s photo.
    You know…I’m not bothered about stuff like that at all I’m not the jealous type but because he had his Facebook secretly and was obviously using it even though he said he wasn’t and he also was angry about men liking my photos as said it means they are flirting then in that situation and to his standards he’s been deceitful having a secret Facebook and sly liking other women’s photos considering I’m not allowed male friends in general or on Facebook.
    Do you think I am within my rights to feel hurt by this and should I confront him? Any advice is greatly appreciated. Thanks in advance

    #1101826 Reply
    Kate
    Guest

    Oh no, Laura, this is bad. The real issue here is he’s controlling, and these behaviors are very typical of abusers. Asking you to delete Facebook originally was a completely unreasonable request and a huge red flag. That wasn’t okay. And of course he kept his, because guys like this who want to control you always have double standards. Now it’s the same thing with telling you you can’t have male “friends” on FB (WTF????), but he can have female friends and like their pics. And yes, exactly, he’s doing the behavior that he’s trying to prevent other guys from doing to you. That’s always how this goes.

    This isn’t about the lying/hiding Facebook, it’s that he’s dangerously controlling. There’s no fixing that, and usually it escalates. You should end this.

    #1101830 Reply
    Laura
    Guest

    Hi Kate
    Thank you fir your advice. You’re right he is controlling with social media. I just feel he’s a total hypocrite. I’ve dedicated my life to him from the age of 14. We were high school sweethearts. I’ve been faithful and loyal and I’m hurt that he would have a secret account and like other woman’s photos. Not only this I have found this woman is actually someone he met when going back to study at college so obviously they were in class together and on lunch together etc.
    I don’t mind him having female friends and never had until he was so paranoid about me having male friends. The fact it’s all secretive means I can no longer trust him and makes him deceitful and disloyal.
    I know what I need to do.
    Thank you for your advice

    #1101831 Reply
    Helen
    Guest

    This is not normal or healthy. He’s super controlling. People who are this suspicious of their partner cheating are usually the ones cheating. They can easily envision their partner cheating because they do it themselves. You’ve been under his thumb for years, I hope you’re able to break free.

    #1101834 Reply
    LisforLeslie
    Guest

    Sounds like he hasn’t grown past high school. My take: People believe people think like they do – this is how I view the world, and I’m normal, so obviously everyone views the world the same way. Which means, that if he thinks you’d be tempted to cheat by connecting to someone on FB (which is weird in so many ways) then obviously HE is tempted to be deceitful by facebook.

    He’s assuming things not in evidence. He’s putting his own behavior on you. He’s demanding you change your behavior to curb these assumed motivations and he’s still behaving in ways that would infuriate him had you been the actor.

    I think you need some space and perspective from this – this is not healthy.

    #1101835 Reply
    Vathena
    Guest

    Oh my goodness, the amount of energy it would take to snoop through your partner’s facebook account and find whose pictures they’d clicked a thumbs-up on…to look through all of your partner’s pictures and demand they take them down if certain people had clicked “like” on them? Are you fucking kidding me? That sounds EXHAUSTING. You have long outgrown this ridiculousness – get out of this relationship and breathe the fresh air of doing whatever the hell YOU want to do with your social media and being friends with anyone you like. Get away from this obnoxiously controlling person.

    If my husband told me to take down a picture of our cat because some guy I went to high school with clicked “like” on it. If he demanded I get rid of instagram because I “hearted” a male friend’s photo of the sunset. Lol, hell no. For fucks sake.

    #1101836 Reply
    Prognosti-gator
    Participant

    Normal person: “I don’t like X, so I don’t do X.”

    Controlling person: “I don’t like X, so YOU don’t get to do X.”

    If you were posting “thirst trap” type content (the sexy pics specifically posted to solicit likes from randos) I can see where a partner would find that disrespectful of the relationship. But, his choice there would be to decide whether he wants to stay in a relationship with a person who does that – not to forbid you from doing something.

    But I have the feeling your content probably is just typical “life” content – and it gets some likes. That’s not the same thing at all. People quite frequently (read: “almost always”) “like” photos of their friends for reasons other than overpowering lust.

    #1101837 Reply
    Copa
    Participant

    This guy is a loser. I wouldn’t confront him, I’d just dump him.

    I had a boyfriend who was controlling when I was still in school. He was my first boyfriend and I’d never really had a role model for a healthy relationship in my family, so I honestly didn’t know better. Small things totally outside of my control made him jealous (e.g., if a guy wrote on my FB wall), he didn’t like when I talked to any other guy, and on one occasion he tried to tell me I couldn’t wear shorts to go study with him and some of our friends. I remember actually pointing out to him once, after he’d gone kayaking with two girl friends without me, that if I’d done the same thing, he would’ve been upset with me. I’m sure he understood, but he still swore it was totally different. (And to Helen’s point, he ended up cheating and trying to justify that being totally different and okay, too.) All of this to say, take it from someone who has been there: you can “confront” him all you want, but there is nothing you can do to change his behavior. This is how he is and he is a controlling, probably insecure loser. It’s not normal, it’s not okay, and there are actual nice, good, emotionally healthy guys out there.

    #1101840 Reply
    Hazel
    Participant

    I’m so sorry you have wasted years of your life on this guy, but don’t waste another day. He won’t change, or grow out of this, this is who he is. Your life will get so so much better when you have moved on, hard as doing that may feel at first.I’m sure he has good sides or you wouldn’t have stayed, but this behaviour is controlling and dreadful and will only get worse the longer you stay.Good luck for your much brighter future without him.

    #1101841 Reply
    Kate
    Keymaster

    In a healthy relationship, if one partner does some behavior on social media that the other one finds problematic, they would have a conversation about that behavior and ask if it could stop.

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