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Need Help with Sister-In-Law Issues

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This topic contains 39 replies, has 6 voices, and was last updated by avatar SpaceySteph 5 months ago.

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  • #752731 Reply
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    lea

    So, Things have been a little strange with my SIL and me for a while now. I feel as she has this undisclosed dislike or jealousy over me. I really don’t like using the word jealousy but I can’t help it when it comes to her. I’ll give you guys a brief examples of how our relationship has been and what has drawn the line in the sand between the both of us.
    My SIL and I have always for the most part gotten along. She’s more the dominant in the relationship as to where I let her do most of the talking and advice giving because she feels she’s always right. She’s always telling me not to trust any women including girlfriends or best friends and in times has put her husband (my husband’s twin brother) in situations with women to see how he reacts. Although her and I are complete opposites with our lifestyles, I still managed to show her love and have her always be part of my life. And, I do have to say my hubs has never been a fan of hers since the day they first met, but is still very nice and cordial with her and has never changed anything in my relationship with her. I listen to my husband’s prior experiences with her but have no comment as I’ve never really had problems with my SIL.
    My SIL, is more the hitting the gym every day (which has a great bod!!!) Pool parties and night clubs every weekend while the hubby works. I’m more the yoga/spinning with my bestie, focused on getting my jewelry business going and weekends fishing with the hubs or doing any outdoor things like concerts, golfing and hanging with the fam etc.. Or like she likes to call me, the more family person.
    So, here’s where I noticed that some things have changed… I was really cool with my husband’s brother. (his twin that is) He’s a very nice guy, we’ve had great conversations but about a little over a year now, I’ve noticed him avoid me. Not sure as to why because I only see him when we have family dinners. I noticed him not greeting me with a kiss on the cheek any longer and practically ignoring my existence when I speak at the table. It has even become obvious to my husband, where he has heard me ask his brother a question, and his brother completely ignores me and starts talking to someone else at the table.
    Not sure why this is happening, but I really feel it has to do with my SIL. I do recall two incidents that make me believe that she doesn’t like him talking to me. One… we were at the dinner table a while back and we were all discussing a subject and her husband, and I were talking and agreeing with the topic and she gave him this really dirty look, like why are you agreeing with her kind of look. The other incident was another dinner occasion when I wanted to get a PowerAde and her husband said I’m not going to finish mine, you can have it. I thought she was going to punch him. Her demeanor changed and she started acting dry with him at the table… and theres many more but just those two really made me feel uncomfortable.
    I’m not a friendly girl with her guy so I don’t understand, in fact I’m always with my husband or like she says to me that ” I spend way too much time with him, and I shouldn’t lose myself over a man”. But I can’t help it when we love each other’s company. So I try to show her that I love spending time with my hubs but I can also have fun and hang with the girls! So about 6 months or so ago we made plans to have a sisters afternoon! We met up at her favorite bar AS and we had lunch/ drinks! We had a great afternoon! I felt like I wanted to open up more to her and tell her a part of my life although I was a bit hesitant; I don’t know what it is but how she speaks about other people and the conflicts she’s always in makes me want to be closed with her. I just feel like it’s a soap opera with all the drama she constantly has in her life. So I’m trying my best in opening up to her because I would like to be closer to her, I mean… she’s my SIL and I would like for us to all get along, do things together and just be happy. So I decided to open up by letting her know that my husband and I have been working on having a baby! I told her we felt it was the right time for us and that we’ll be making them auntie/uncle soon, god willing. Her response was… girrl, are you sure you’re ready for that? That she’s happy for us! She then said that she has way too much to do in traveling before bringing a child to the world. That I am the more family kind and she sees how were both ready. She also joked on how she barely has time to take care of the pet lizard her brother gave her. But when she’s ready to have a baby she knows shell get pregnant on the first try.
    So my response was, “well I know one day when you’re ready, you’ll make a great mommy”. We went ahead and left it at that, had a great afternoon.
    A few weeks later, she calls me to see how I’m doing and also asking me how’s the baby making going, I’m like good, I was very transparent with her on what was going on. I had a bit of complications at the gynecologist. I found out I had a polyps in my uterus that I had to get them removed etc.… It was a success, they were removed and I had to wait a few weeks before continuing our conceiving process. Throughout this time my SIL had been super attentive with texts and phone calls wanting to know if I was pregnant and how things are. I didn’t think much of it so I was super open. A couple of months after I invited her to a jewelry trunk show I was hosting. It was a great time and once again she asked me how it was all going and if I was pregnant already. I was like no, you’ll definitely be one of the first to know, I responded. She then said that she wanted to have a baby one day but she wants me to have mine first. I was very weirded out by the whole conversation. I felt like ok, theres no competition here. I left it like that because I didn’t understand why this is now always a topic of conversation with us.
    So about 2 months after my trunk show she sent me a text saying she has something to tell me and that it wasn’t a bad thing. I was like no worries, call me or text me whatever you want and she left it like that with no response. A few days after that, my husband and I decided to drive down to the keys with friends and on our way back my husband’s mother calls us on facetime with my SIL and the entire family to let us know that she’s pregnant. My husband and I were In shock, I feel maybe it could have been the way it was delivered but I still feel very weird about her now. I did text her to congratulate her and that I was very excited for her and her response was Thank you! Yes girl, now you guys are next!!! And I pretty much have left everything the way it is.
    I’m kind of sadden on how things were handled, I really don’t know how to be with her moving forward. And now I feel like my hubs and I should hold off on the baby subject. Please let me know what you guys think and If you have any advice? Sorry for the info overload! Thank you guys.

    #752736 Reply
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    dinoceros
    Member

    I think that you sort of have to accept that she’s a little dramatic and you two aren’t going to be super close. I’d probably just let it go and just see her as an in-law, not necessarily a buddy. See her at events, be polite, whatever, but no need to share your personal business with her or go out of your way to spend time alone with her.

    I don’t know what you men by holding off on the baby subject? Do you mean holding off on having a baby or on talking about it? Again, I think that talking with her about your personal life is probably a bad idea, so yes, maybe don’t try to start conversations about it. But no need to let her dictate if you have a baby or not.

    What I assume is that she was having difficulty getting pregnant and didn’t want to admit that, so she pretended not to care.

    #752738 Reply
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    LisforLeslie

    Ok. That was not brief.

    Your SIL is competitive. You don’t have to play. Here are some phrases to practice:

    “Oh isn’t that nice.”
    “That’s great news.”
    “You must be enjoying that.”
    “Hmmm, I’ll have to think about that.”
    “That’s an interesting idea”
    “I hadn’t thought of that”

    Just use those when she gets all weird and too in your business. As for your BIL – your husband can call him out in private. Ignoring you is not cool. Seriously, it’s rude. And weird. He can offer you a fist bump instead of a hug/kiss but ignoring you is because he’s going to get shit from his wife when they get in the car. Not cool.

    #752739 Reply
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    anonymousse
    Member

    Okay, well, clearly she is different than you (as everyone is) and you know she’s a little bit of drama. I would advise to stop judging her for her differences to you. She’s just not your cup of tea, as my grandma would say.

    If she doesn’t trust other women, why would you trust her with something really sensitive to you?When you have someone in your life like this, someone who you aren’t sure you can trust…you don’t tell them super personal info in order to get closer to them. You keep them at a little bit of a distance from your sensitive, personal information. That’s just ammunition for drama queens.

    Regardless of whether she’s ready, or they are ready vs. how ready you are to have a child, it’s time to put on your happy face and play nice.

    Why would you hold off on trying for children, now? I don’t get it. It’s not a competition. It seems like you are keeping score of every facial expression she makes and how she reacts, and I can tell you it comes off weird to me. I think you need to relax and just not give a f$&@ about what she’s doing. You will be happier, trust me.

    Good luck on making babies!

    #752740 Reply
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    anonymousse
    Member

    Also, as far as her asking you how it was going with conceiving… I think she was just trying to show interest in your life and ask you about it, since you told her that really important thing, since you brought it up, she probably thinks you are okay talking about it. If you aren’t, just ask her to stop asking, in a nice way. Or even a not nice way.

    Just because you are married to twins (and considering you say your husband’s brother is weird to you now) you don’t have to be best friends. You gave it a try and you clearly don’t like her all that much. That’s okay. But back off telling her really sensitive/important stuff. You are married, you can keep secrets with your husband if you want to.

    #752741 Reply
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    JD

    My god women are exhausting. I could never be a lesbian.

    #752742 Reply
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    brise

    You sound a bit jealous of her, about the baby news. I wouldn’t confide in this woman, she is a bit off and uninteresting. Her questions were intrusive about your pregnancy projects. But her pregnancy doesn’t have probably anything to do with you. She was certainly considering it, even trying maybe, before you spoke of it, that is why she was so interested.
    Don’t pay any attention to this, your family is your sole business, none of hers, so don’t keep her informed of anything, be polite and superficial with her, and take as much distance as possible. All this little tension comes from your endeavour at proximity with her, whereas it is obvious you are no friends and don’t have much in common.
    Her husband: if he ignores you, just ignore him. He is a fool.

    #752743 Reply
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    anonymousse
    Member

    Instead of always thinking the worst of her comments, try to reframe it in your mind. She’s a little off putting and invasive to you, but assume she has better intentions than you give her credit for. Maybe she’d had problems conceiving, or thought it’d be great to have kids in similar age so they can grow up together or something. Don’t make it a competition in your mind. If you can’t do that, maybe you should see or talk to a counselor.

    #752746 Reply
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    Poppy
    Member

    You SIL sounds more than just “she’s not your cup of tea” (though I do agree that is a good saying, my granny says) it too I think you SIL is a very toxic person. You sound like someone who is similar to me in that you observe peoples behavior well and that you get gut feelings too. You are feeling some sort of way because you intuition is alerting you. You should be cordial but distance yourself from SIL. People who talk about people, negatively, esp if its their friends are not people you want to ever be friends with. She is fake AF. She has jealousy issues and it makes her feel good when she talks about others. If you noticed a change in your relationship with BIL than its likely he is trying to keep the piece with his wifey because she probably brought you up in an argument. And yes, the fact that you disclosed to her about wanting to get pregnant, and her saying and being negative about pregnancy and whether to me a mom or not, and then end up pregnant is extremely unusual. Its so unusual in this case because she never disclosed to you that she was trying or that they were not preventing it. Sounds like she likes attention and she was keeping up with you more so,so she could track you and your attempts in hopes she would become a mom before you. She’s delusional and has serious issues. Don’t hold off on becoming a mom because of her. You guys keep trying. Don’t let her pregnancy make you bitter or feel less of.

    #752747 Reply
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    Essie
    Participant

    Over-thinking, over-analyzing, over-involved in each other’s lives over…….everything. OMG.

    You seem convinced that just because you’re sisters-in-law, you have to be BFFs, too. Sometimes it happens to work out that way, but that’s more coincidence than anything. The two of you just aren’t terribly compatible, and wouldn’t hang out and do stuff together if you weren’t related by marriage. So why force a friendship just because your husband’s brother happened to marry her?

    I’m not saying you have to cut her out of your life, but back off a little. You don’t have to tell her everything and you don’t have to be besties and spa buddies. Stop trying to force the closeness.

    #752748 Reply
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    ron

    She pregnant. That about her and her family. It’s not about you.

    #752749 Reply
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    Fyodor

    Honestly, I think that she has boundary issues, but it sounds a lot like she’s excited to be pregnant and wants to share that with you. I think that, yeah, she’s a bit of an ass but you’re hypersensitive to everything she says and does.

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