Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Need Insight or Advice

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  • This topic has 8 replies, 2 voices, and was last updated 2 months ago by avatarbrise.
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  • #1031456 Reply
    avatarKelly
    Guest

    I recently attended my husband’s grandfather’s funeral with him. Dispite being together for 15 years, I had never met anyone in his family, (aunts, cousin, brother), accept for his mother. Now I do realize this was a somber occasion, but I felt like I was all but invisible. No one introduced themselves to me. I was completely excluded from being able to sit beside my husband and the rest of the family, and had to sit all by myself in the back. Even though all other significant others were included in the “family”. I even saw his aunt add an extra chair for his brothers wife and invite them to sit there. I of course would never complain or make an issue as I do realize someone’s funeral is not about me. But I am embarrassed to admit that this really upset me and hurt my feeling. I guess what also irritates me is that my husband doesn’t realize that this was strange and potentially hurtful. I guess I’m just looking for some insight. Am I being too sensitive? Should I tell my husband how I feel? I’m a bit embarrassed that it bothers me.

    #1031457 Reply
    avatarbloodymediocrity
    Participant

    How has 15 years passed by that you’ve never met any of them? Is he estranged from them?

    I get why you would be hurt, but this is clearly not a typical family dynamic, so I guess I would just expect the unexpected.

    #1031458 Reply
    avatarKelly
    Guest

    I guess if one looks at the definition of estranged, I guess you could say that. He has just always told me that his aunts are ” stuck up” and make him feel crappy about himself and as for his brother, I guess they just grew apart over time. For the first 5-7 years of our relationship I always remarked that it was weird that I had never met at least his brother. But I guess I just accepted it over time.

    #1031462 Reply
    avatarLisforLeslie
    Guest

    Does he see his family without you at other times or is this the first time in 15 years he’s seen his aunts?

    I’m going to give him a pass for being in the midst of grief when you were excluded; he should have noticed and done something but let’s assume that he was simply distracted by grief.

    At this point, I wouldn’t say anything but if he wants to get together with his family for another occasion I would have a short discussion on how you expect to be treated and how you expect him to ensure you’re treated that way by his family. And I would make sure that he understood the consequences of allowing his family be shitty to you – whatever consequences you choose and make sense.

    #1031494 Reply
    avatarKarebear1813
    Participant

    Your husband doesn’t have a relationship with anyone except his mother, with whom he has introduced you to. These people are not important to him at all, therefore he see no reason for them to be important for you to know. That’s my guess for why no effort has ever been made.

    You could have politely pulled your husband aside about sitting next to him to feel included. Maybe you could have introduced yourself instead of waiting for them. Given the circumstances, your husband was likely dealing with grief and not focused on ensuring you were comfortable. I think it’s totally appropriate to have a discussion about this and how it hurt you.

    #1031497 Reply
    avatarBittergaymark
    Guest

    Oh look. Another person making somebody else’s funeral ALL ABOUT THEM. 🤦🏼‍♂️

    #1031510 Reply
    avatarKeeks
    Guest

    LOL – Your posts always kills me and brings me back to life!!!

    #1031511 Reply
    avatarKeeks
    Guest

    The above is for Bittergaymark

    In response to the letter:
    It really doesn’t matter – might not see the family for years again.

    #1031519 Reply
    avatarbrise
    Guest

    A funeral is a very strange setting – not to say the worst idea – for a family introduction. You had no reason to be there. Therefore, nobody acknowledged your presence because they don’t know you and were focused on… the funeral.
    If your aim was to support your partner, then you did it. Don’t make it about a family introduction, because it was not meant to be so.
    If you want an introduction, then set up one formally with your partner. Do the things properly instead of building a story.

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