Need relationship advice for a sound mind

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  • Rei
    September 4, 2022 at 12:32 am #1115784

    So here’s the thing. It is something not many can relate to since this is largely related to gamers, but I’ll try to explain it well anyway.

    In short, my boyfriend and I are officially dating for almost an year now. Have been friends for years beforehand.
    We are gamers and luke our space but also like being together.
    Recently he had “left me behind” in a gamer we often play together. The rule of “don’t watch a show without me” comes into play here. I am angey that he did not wait, and makes me feel like my company is not wanted.
    We meet once a week for a weekend sleepover. He never offers to see me more or spebd time or even just play games or voice chat. Nothing. We are 30, there’s no talk of moving in together though it was discussed in the past. I am an anxious girl and am plagued by my inner demons so I am unable to voice how much it bothers me to him, because I fear judgement or being turned down.

    We also recently had a big fight where we almost broke up, and without getting into the details, one of his female friends said many cruel and evil things about me that hurt me. Saying I am a user and would use him (Not correct, and she does not know me apart from what he told her wich I am not fully aware of)- says things like I’m a grown ass baby because I am sensitive and hurt easily. Because people sometimes need to walk on eggshells to handle me.
    I had asked him to cease communication with her because she is a threat to the relationship. All I got instead was a promise he wont discuss “us” with her ever again. I am not satisfied. When I see her name pop up in message history I feel hurt and turn silent and grumpy. I can’t let it go. I know I have right to control who he befriends but none of my friends ever told me I should break up with him, because of a fight, like this demoness did.

    So in general, I want things to work out but am prone to self sabotage. I almost want to just run and leave this behind. But I don’t think I want to. I want advice so I can somehow find peace with him talking to her, with him doung things without me when it’s supposed to be our quality time. With us not having quality time apart from weekend sleepover. With us dating like the click is not ticking and we aren’t getting younger…

    Help?

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    peggy
    September 4, 2022 at 1:00 pm #1115801

    Hi. Two things. This is a relationship that is not working for you ( and possiblty not working for him either ). In addition, you seem to be insecure and looking for, creating drama. How do you even know what this girl says about you, unless he told you.? Your relationship has regressed, not progressed in a year. I think things will get worse not better as he seems un-inclined to change things. I would break up with him.

    Reply
    ron
    September 4, 2022 at 2:05 pm #1115802

    ” Saying I am a user and would use him (Not correct, and she does not know me apart from what he told her wich I am not fully aware of”

    Since she doesn’t know you and is just giving your bf a hot take, possibly slanted and possibly not, on what your bf said to her about you: what she says about you is probably close to what he thinks about you. It also does seem, unless we misread or you miscommunicated, that your knowledge of what this other woman said about you comes to you from your bf. Is this his way of telling you what he thinks about you in a less risky (for him) way than telling you directly.

    You say your clock is ticking. His actions say he has zero interest in spending more time with you, getting closer, or progressing the relationship. You can get up your courage and discuss this with him, but I think we both know that he has already given you the answers to your wishes and you are just unwilling to accept the reality of what he thinks.

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    Anonymousse
    September 4, 2022 at 6:42 pm #1115804

    I don’t think you leaving this behind would be bad. You’re unhappy. He’s got shitty friends who say mean things about you and he doesn’t stand up for you or defend you, or he tells his friends mean and shitty things about you, they repeat it and he doesn’t defend you. He’s a shit boyfriend.

    What is good about this relationship? What about this makes you happy?

    Reply
    Rei
    September 6, 2022 at 7:21 am #1115819

    Heya all.
    To add to things, I know of this because HE sent a alllll the messages between them. Showing me what she said.

    He has a fear of being used for money. Nothing to do with me. He says he knows I wont use him, yet back when the argument happened and I got mad at him for not defending me whennshe said shit about me (This happened because he told her I did not have a job which was true at the time and am living at my parents home. So unprompted she saidI live at home leeching off my parents and will leech off of him because I dont have a job and he is scared of being used)
    Does this make things clearer?

    I don’t want to give it up. And yes I am not without faults. But I do think he is not treating me properly right now.

    Even if I want to speak about my fears with him, I do not know how to start without fearing judgement.

    The last resort would be giving up. But yeah, I would be very sad ifI had to give up. And yet I am already uphappy…

    Reply
    Rei
    September 6, 2022 at 7:22 am #1115820

    Heya all.
    To add to things, I know of this because HE sent a alllll the messages between them. Showing me what she said.

    He has a fear of being used for money. Nothing to do with me. He says he knows I wont use him, yet back when the argument happened and I got mad at him for not defending me whennshe said shit about me (This happened because he told her I did not have a job which was true at the time and am living at my parents home. So unprompted she saidI live at home leeching off my parents and will leech off of him because I dont have a job and he is scared of being used)
    Does this make things clearer?

    I don’t want to give it up. And yes I am not without faults. But I do think he is not treating me properly right now.

    Even if I want to speak about my fears with him, I do not know how to start without fearing judgement.

    The last resort would be giving up. But yeah, I would be very sad ifI had to give up. And yet I am already uphappy…

    Reply
    Rei
    September 6, 2022 at 7:23 am #1115821

    I added info. I am still in need of more input since I fear giving it up

    Reply
    LisforLeslie
    September 6, 2022 at 8:13 am #1115822

    It doesn’t sound like you’re getting what you need from this relationship. Have you had that discussion with him? Does he shut down? Do you feel that he has your back at all or only when it suits him?

    If you could see 5 years into the future and nothing changed, would you be OK with that?

    Reply
    Rei
    September 6, 2022 at 8:43 am #1115823

    I was happy with him at the start. We like a lot of the same things. Our thoughts of family and children raising align. We can always find ways to spend time comfortably around each other.

    However, while I focus on these good things there are so many issues as I stated. Things that might be fixed. But I don’t know if it’s worth it

    Reply
    Anonymousse
    September 6, 2022 at 9:01 am #1115824

    I don’t think it’s worth it. He’s always going to think you’re a leech, because he apparently thinks everyone is and has a horrible best friend who hates you.

    How would this work? Why do you not want to give up? You know he’s treating you badly but you want to stay. Why?

    Reply
    Rei
    September 6, 2022 at 9:47 am #1115825

    I probably can’t or refuse to leave because of fear of confrintation. And of losing something that might be tight for me. Or might be the only person who’d like me enough.

    It’s silly talk I’m aware. I’m just not good at letting go unless the other person keaves first.

    He is not a bad person. He’s a busybody and workaholic. I just can’t justify it enough to say I don’t deserve to be courted or spoken to more often about the future that I want for myself.

    Yes his friend hates me for no reason st sll. Maybe she wants him. But he says its not sn issue snd he will not talk to her about me ever again.

    Should that answer satisfy me?
    Maybe I can talk him into doing more with me, but I feel like… I dunno. I wish he would have spoken up first as the man, you know? Kinda like he was really in love with me and wants to spend time with me. Right now, I onky feel that spark in those 24 hours a week I spend with him…

    What kind of relationship is that…?

    Reply
    Anonymousse
    September 6, 2022 at 9:52 am #1115826

    Yeah, sounds pretty bleak to me. I’d seriously suggest moving on, and seeking therapy to work out why you’d stay in a relationship that doesn’t make you happy.

    Reply
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