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Neighbor dispute

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  • #954666 Reply
    avatarBondgirl
    Guest

    So I’ve been giving this incident some thought and mulling over everyone’s insight/feedback. Because of the fence issues and legal and safety concerns, as well as considering everyone’s mental health, I’m leaning towards suggesting some standing play dates maybe twice a week. 20-30 minutes, call/text in advance to confirm when’s a good time….

    However, I will only do this if the mother is willing to calmly discuss it. I’ve always spoken to her and her kid respectfully when verbalizing my concerns so it’s not unreasonable to expect it back. I’m hoping to catch her while we’re both outside and see if I can gently initiate a conversation. Even give her the option of talking later if that moment is not a good time. However, if she starts immediately to verbally attack me back, I’m not sure I can even go further than that. I’d like to make this right but I will not tolerate being talked down to.

    #954755 Reply
    avatarKate
    Keymaster

    Do you really want the kid over at your place with mom 2x a week for 20 minutes though? Or wouldn’t it be fine if she says hi to doggie once a day for a couple mins under your supervision? No need to get yourself into a hosting commitment with pre-scheduling necessary. As well as conversation. Not to mention, no interaction with the mom is going to go well if you’re going into it with the attitude of “I won’t tolerate.” Honestly not worth it.

    #954786 Reply
    avatarBondgirl
    Guest

    Obviously no I’m not opening up with “I won’t tolerate ____” but I’m saying in general I won’t tolerate being talked down to. Nobody should. I don’t want this kid on my fence or sticking fingers thru my fence though so short supervised visits seem like the only viable solution. But first need to determine when is the most non confrontational way to approach the discussion. While we’re both already out in the yards?

    #954801 Reply
    avatarele4phant
    Guest

    I mean, do you not trust you can have a conversation with her that won’t escalate to a verbal attack? If it’s gotten to that point, yeah, my advice is different. Steer clear of her, even if that means picking up and leaving your yard when she/the little one comes out into theirs/

    Did she berate you last time? Your initial post made me think that she was frustrated and stormed out, but if she insulted or verbally abused you, that is different. The last thing you want to do here is further antagonize one another.

    If you think there’s a reasonable chance one or both of you will blow up at the other, just leave it all alone.

    #954813 Reply
    avatarele4phant
    Guest

    “But first need to determine when is the most non confrontational way to approach the discussion. While we’re both already out in the yards?”

    I mean, it’s pretty non-confrotnational to start with “Hey I want to apologize for the other day (regardless of how bad you really do or do not feel, that’s not the point. The point is to neutralize whatever angry she may have, not necessarily admit fault. It’s a tool to put her at ease). Sh*t’s been weird, I had a weird reaction. Here are my legitimate concerns, here’s my proposed solution. Does that work for you?”

    I think probably next time you see her makes sense, but I guess you could always go ring on her door bell with I dunno, a token piece offering like a couple extra slices of quarantine banana bread or whatever.

    That said, if things have gotten so nasty between you that both your hackles are so raised there’s a good chance this will devolve, if you don’t think you’re capalbe of keeping your cool or her keeping hers, than don’t.

    Honestly, that you are already steeling yourself for her potentially talking down to you (whether that’s a fair assessment of where she’s at or if you are the one coming in with a predisposed sour taste in your mouth) makes me think maybe it’s not actually a good idea for you to try to engage with her further. Seems like it’s just begging you all to up the ante.

    #954837 Reply
    avatarKate
    Keymaster

    Really, you can’t tolerate a neighbor getting upset with you? It happens. The thing is not to let it escalate. If you feel like she has to behave a certain way or you’ll blow up, don’t risk it. Just let the kid have her daily 2-minute hello with the dog while you watch, and be nice.

    #954839 Reply
    avatarBondgirl
    Guest

    “ I mean, it’s pretty non-confrotnational to start with “Hey I want to apologize for the other day (regardless of how bad you really do or do not feel, that’s not the point. The point is to neutralize whatever angry she may have, not necessarily admit fault. It’s a tool to put her at ease). Sh*t’s been weird, I had a weird reaction. Here are my legitimate concerns, here’s my proposed solution. Does that work for you?”

    That’s what I was looking for. This was the first time there was any confrontation, previous conversations were reasonably pleasant. I’m just the type of person who plans for worst case scenarios.

    #954868 Reply
    avatarele4phant
    Guest

    I encourage you to assume this will go well. If you can’t, don’t do it at all.

    If you go in anticipating it might go sideways, you will be defensive, and she’s going to sense that, and this will undoubtedly escalate.

    OF COURSE, if she, or anyone, ever ends up screaming up you, you can end the conversation and walk away. You never have to stand there and take abuse from anyone. But why assume that’s the way it will go down?

    If you do, there’s a good chance you turn this into a self-fulfilling prophesy where she senses your underlying tension, and responds accordingly.

    There’s no reason to expect she will be anything less than adult and mature if you approach her politely. Send out the energy you expect her to meet.

    #954875 Reply
    avatarKate
    Keymaster

    Most people aren’t going to talk down to you. Sometimes someone is just a disturbed asshole who will do that, but it’s rare. You should expect a harmonious encounter, like Ele4phant said, or you may come off defensive and make things worse.

    #954891 Reply
    avatarBondgirl
    Guest

    Fair points. Though who isn’t tense knowing they have to have this sort of conversation? This shits hard. Lol. Wish me luck.

    #954894 Reply
    avatarele4phant
    Guest

    Also, if this your last interaction was the ONE time you had an unpleasant expeerience, there’s really no reason to expect it will become a pattern. Maybe she was having a bad day.

    Maybe her 4 year old was having a tantrum, she sent her outside to gather her breath, only to have the kid boomarang back because the dog wasn’t paying attention to her, you gave her some guff, and she just lost it because she’s just HAD.IT.TO.GD.HERE.WITH.THIS.GD.PANDEMIC.ALREADY.

    People have bad moments. Aside from this one instance, her general behavior has been to be polite and pleasant, yes? Grant her the grace to assume this was a one off that wasn’t personal and didn’t really have anything to do with you. Assume her normal baseline is to be pleasant and courteous until you have more evidence this is her pattern.

    Honestly, we truly do get back a lot of what we put out, so put out good vibes with the expectation she’ll meet them. She probably will.

    #954896 Reply
    avatarsaneinca
    Guest

    I don’t know if I am going to sympathize with the neighbor at all.

    Since she chose to yell at Bondgirl instead of politely requesting for petting time for the child, let the neighbor take the lead in any future interactions.

    I totally get the kid being interested in dogs/and vice versa. However, once Bondgirl said no, the neighbor should not have thrown a tantrum.

    Anyway better fences==better neighbors.

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