Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Nervous about this next step in my relationship

Home Forums Get Advice, Give Advice Nervous about this next step in my relationship

This topic contains 8 replies, has 8 voices, and was last updated by avatar dinoceros 3 months ago.

Viewing 9 posts - 1 through 9 (of 9 total)
  • Author
  • #847658 Reply

    Hey y’all,

    So my birthday is coming up in a few days. My plan is to head to Chicago, where my boyfriend is (he travels to my city for work each week, been dating for a few months). It’d been a while since he had dated before we met, and the first ever weekend we had spent together a few weeks ago, he just seemed to grow tired of me being around. And asked to sleep separately from me. I left, thinking I’d overstayed my welcome and it really stung. We talked it over, he said it’s not something he’s used to so it’ll take him some time; he grew accustomed to enjoying/spending time alone. Completely understandable, and we’d only spent a few hours together up until then.

    I had initially planned to do something with friends in town but it fell through that weekend. Crossed my mind to bring up visiting Chicago but hadn’t seriously considered it, just seemed too late. He asked about my bday plans and I mentioned Chicago had crossed my mind but it was too late/a hassle to plan and he’d previously mentioned he was busy that weekend. He immediately was like “if it’s not a hassle will you come?” I was hesitant to say yes, bringing up what happened on that weekend, and he said that wouldn’t happen again. I said I’d get an Airbnb and he said he wanted me to stay with him, again I mentioned that weekend and again he assured me it wouldn’t happen again.

    I feel bad. Because he is super excited for me to come, and to stay with him. And I’m excited to see him and I’m going to meet his friends. I don’t want a repeat of that situation, so I thought I could stay alone. Mainly I don’t want to impose. I know he’ll say to do what’s comfortable for me, but I also know he’ll feel sad that I didn’t stay with him. What should I do? Because I want to stay with him too, but I have this concern that’s holding me back. I don’t want to rush him or make him feel cramped.

    #847659 Reply

    If you really want this to work, you need to go and stay with him to see if anything has changed, because If you feel like you can’t stay with your boyfriend in the city he lives in, then you probably shouldn’t be dating. You two have been dating a very short time, and in no way should he be sick of seeing you after two days, no matter how much he says he’s used to being alone. I would say stay with him or don’t go at all, at least don’t go to see him. You guys seem more of a hook up than boyfriend or girlfriend.

    #847661 Reply

    Ooo, I don’t know, I think now there’s pressure on this weekend because it’s your birthday and he’s begged you to come.

    But at the same time, if you want the kind of relationship where you can spend weekends together, you need to know if that’s possible.

    Ideally I think you’d stay in town for your birthday and make plans to go see him some weekend soon. You don’t want him making you feel bad on your birthday.

    I don’t know what his deal is. When I’ve started dating someone I’ve had trouble sleeping in the same bed with them, like literally can’t sleep, but I would not ask them to sleep in another room. And over time it gets better. You just don’t know with this guy if it gets better with time or if he just needs space and can’t be the kind of boyfriend you need. Possibly it’s the latter, and these weekday business trips to your town work well for him because of his issues. For him to act like he did that one weekend, I feel like he’s got a serious need for space and alone time that maybe just is not compatible with you.

    #847667 Reply

    I don’t see what the big deal is…

    He asked you to come spend the weekend with him and assured you that you won’t get Stung again, so why are you losing hair over this???

    It’s like you want to get an air B&B just so you can hurt him.

    If he stings you again? you end the relationship, plain and simple, if you want to sting him? By all means get that air B&B.

    #847694 Reply

    This just all feels too fast for me. You jumped from barely knowing each other (a few hours together) to spending an entire weekend together in his home. That’s a huge amount of pressure on a relationship that doesn’t really exist yet, because I don’t know how you can call someone a boyfriend when you’ve only spent a few hours in their presence.

    I know this because I’ve been there. When you spend a few months texting, talking on the phone, FaceTiming, but not together, the feelings build up and get really intense. You’ve spent all this time in each other’s heads, and then when you’re finally in the same room with them, it’s…weird. Awkward. Too much.

    I think your instinct to stay somewhere else is a good one. He might be embarrassed by the way he freaked out, but I don’t think you’ll really be hurting him if you stay in a hotel. You’re not calling off the trip or refusing to see him, you’re still coming to visit but giving both of you a little space.

    #847697 Reply

    Do you snore? Do you twitch in your sleep? Do you flop around all sides of the bed? Do you run super hot in bed? Does he? There are so many reasons why sleeping was uncomfortable for him.

    Your reaction was out of proportion and it hasn’t stopped. Stop living in “if he really cared” land and talk to him about how you’d like to be treated and the concerns you have. He doesn’t have to explain himself, but it would be great if you could tell him how you’d like to be treated and if he can listen without getting defensive.

    And consider getting a hotel with a California King bed where you can both stay and not be all on top of one another for the weekend.

    #847707 Reply

    She didn’t say he asked her to sleep separately in the middle of the night during a bout of snoring or anything. To me it sounded more like he grew tired of her presence because he’s introverted and asked to sleep separately that night. That stung, and she left.

    That was a bad move on his part. If he really wanted to get off on the right foot he could have run an errand, taken a nap or went for a run if he needed alone time. Even if it was his sleep that was being affected it’s kind of pushing it to say something when you invite a romantic partner to stay over. He could have just snuck to the couch if he was having problems sleeping.

    I’d think about it more, but the potential to have a repeat is high. And there could be more pressure and expectation because it’s your birthday and he’s promised that won’t happen this time. What if you stayed put for your birthday and saw him another time?

    #847711 Reply
    Dear Wendy
    Dear Wendy

    See him a different weekend, not on your birthday. If he can’t spend s week d in your company and freaks out again or asks you to sleep in another room
    Or whatever, MOA.

    #847949 Reply

    What Wendy said. Don’t potentially turn your birthday into something unpleasant. You know there is a good chance he will become miserable during your trip and that you’ll feel bad. Don’t risk it.

    On another weekend, go visit. But if you visit, you should stay with him. If he doesn’t enjoy spending more than a day with you, then your relationship has no future. I’ve had tons of weekend visitors, whom I was not romantically involved with, and I’ve never gotten to the point where I can barely stand to be around them. And even if I got tired, I was capable of treating them well still. If he can’t even do that with someone he’s dating, then he’s either a jerk or he’s not really that into you.

Viewing 9 posts - 1 through 9 (of 9 total)
Reply To: Nervous about this next step in my relationship
Your information: