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Dear Wendy

New relationship advice

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  • This topic has 8 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 1 month ago by avatarBittergaymark.
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  • #1031450 Reply

    Hi all. I am new to this site but I thought I would try it out. So here is my situation. I met a guy online. Very nice man. We exchanged phone numbers and we began chatting. His story is that is wife of 32 years just passed away last October (2020). He took care of her for a year and a half before his death. He said he’s looking for friendship. I was hesitant but I told him I was good with just being friends. He told me that he had been on two other dates with two females but they did not work out. Well we met a couple of weeks ago and had lunch. He bought me roses (very sweet). Lunch was great, conversation was great too. Now I’m not a shallow person but I wasn’t 100 percent attracted to him but I told myself that I wanted to get to know him better as friends and take it really slow. So we have another date coming up this weekend. This is my problem. For the past two weeks he wants me to meet his sisters, he wants to go walking with me (I walk with my sister a couple times of a week) and he is wanting to spend the whole day with me this Saturday, and he wanted to know should he take his profile off the dating site. I told him that I can’t tell him what to do since we are just friends. I told him that my walking time is just that….my walking time. He knew from the beginning that I have a very busy life and I still have a young teenage daughter at home that I spend time with. I have told him that I know that I am not ready for a relationship and he says he understands and he’s not trying to rush, but then in the next breath he basically says that he knows that he’s at the bottom of the list and I probably can’t give him more time. I think he is moving way too fast and I don’t want to hurt his feelings. He tells me that I make him so happy and he looks forward to talking to me. I think he really is lonely (I get that) but I can’t give him what he is looking for when I am not on the same page. Any advice on what I should do? He’s a really great guy with a huge heart so I don’t want to hurt him.

    #1031451 Reply

    Drop the “friendship” fiction and ask him to drop it as well. Then address it as dating – this is what it is.
    If you are not attracted to him, end it. Don’t use him as a “friend”.
    If you like him and want to give it a chance, as a potential boyfriend, say that you like to take it slow. Cut short the nonsense, just repeat it: take it slow. If he doesn’t get it and continues to act impatiently, slow down the rythm or just end it.
    I understand your reluctance given his high speed dependence / high maintenance attitude. He is probably not over his bereavement – who would be? But his desperation is not so much a compliment. Keep meeting other people, don’t focus exclusively on him. You hardly know him, you just saw him for a date, right? Try the connection with him and end it respectfully if if can’t behave as a balanced, healthy date.

    #1031452 Reply

    This guy has no idea what he’s doing and probably shouldn’t even be dating right now. He lost his wife less than 6 months ago. It’s too soon. And even if it weren’t, he’s got a LOT to learn in order to be a decent guy to date. Right now he’s a hot mess and will drive you nuts.

    Who the hell says they just want friendship, buy roses, and then talk about taking down their profile after a single lunch date? A person who’s a complete mess, that’s who. Next!

    #1031453 Reply

    It’s on you, too, though for putting so much time and energy into someone who acted like this.

    You should just tell him you wish him the best but the chemistry isn’t there. And goodbye.

    #1031455 Reply

    What is it you want? Do you want to be friends with him? Like genuine friends? If so, tell him in no uncertain terms that dating is not happening. If not, let him know it’s not working out and you’re not interested in getting together any more.

    I know it seems harsh on a guy whose wife just died, but it’s not your fault, and it’s not your responsibility. It sucks for him. It’s unfair that he’s gotta figure out this stuff, but life is tragic, cruel and unfair a lot of the time.

    #1031474 Reply

    If this is how needy he is after one lunch, imagine how needy he’ll be if you don’t cut this off now. Why are you on a dating site if you’re not interested in dating? Both of you are sending mixed signals. He’s not going to get less needy & you have a full life. You’re not compatible

    #1031491 Reply

    Guys who had successful and long marriages often jump into the next relationship because they miss being taken care of. That’s what this guy is doing. You have a teenager and you are not feeling it. Tell him that he should keep his profile up and that you’re not the right person.

    #1031724 Reply

    Oh boy, I can already see the attraction to him depleting the moment he asked “should I take my profile off the dating site?” The man is making all the wrong moves right now that make women lose attraction fast. If he’s not physically attractive to you and he’s needy, it’s not gonna end well for you. I know you feel he’s a sweet guy, but I would tell him you need some space. Tell him you don’t plan on taking your profile off dating sites, so neither should he.

    #1031727 Reply

    He’s wayyyyyyy too eager. You are wayyyyyy to not that attracted to him. I’m all for being friends… but I agree that this could be very messy here. And thus not work. Unless he really slows things down to a timeline that more suits what you want as far as contact.

    NEWSFLASH: You sound very rational and levelheaded about dating. Refeeshingly so! Especially how you need your alone walk time, etc. All that strikes me as profoundly healthy. Now I know you are in no way questioning any of your behavior. But wanna give you a shout out to keep that up. BRAVO!! Far too many people RUSH relationships and thus crash and burn.

    The other minor red flag here to me is how quick this guy wants you to meet members of his family. I heartilly agree with you that it’s far too soon.

    I don’t think this guy is a creep or anything. But I do believe his grief for his late wife has him irrationally frantic to replace her… he needs more time to process her death. You may want to gently suggest this if you feel comfortable doing so. But only if you sense he will be receptive to your advice here.

    The dating profile question is off but I can also see him genuinely not knowing what to do here as dating profiles didn’t even exist when he was last single.

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