Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Newlyweds in trouble, an emotional start to our marriage.

Home Forums Get Advice, Give Advice Newlyweds in trouble, an emotional start to our marriage.

This topic contains 31 replies, has 10 voices, and was last updated by Skyblossom Skyblossom 2 months, 3 weeks ago.

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  • #753564 Reply
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    dmarie
    Member

    Have you talked to an OBGYN about having kids. My mom had my sister during the early stages of menopause without any medical intervention. She knew her periods were kind of wonky but she actually found out she was in menopause during her pregnancy. She thought it was from stress since some family things were going on while they were trying. After my sister was born when she was only 38 she never had normal cycles again and hasn’t even had one since 39. The point is many early menopausal women have babies with and without interventions.

    I think this is a major life choice moment for you. How much do you want a child? If you want to you should start adoption paperwork now. It gets harder as you get older, especially if you would like to have a younger child. In my state you can be no more then 40 years older than the child you adopt. If you decide you really want a child and are willing to take a different approach but your husband isn’t you will have to decide what path to take. I agree it wasn’t wise to not be on the same page before marriage but it’s too late for that now and you need to do some reflection on what you want.

    #753580 Reply
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    brise

    LW, I think your husband is afraid you would like to follow your friend’s steps and try an IVF, so he trashes her example. But be realistic: if you really want a child, it is now that you have to take action and see a fertility clinic. With some help (and money) you may still be able to conceive, perhaps with donor’s eggs. If you accept reality, you might get over your first negative reaction and take this option. Enlarge your heart: donor’s egg is a semi-adoption, genetically speaking, but then you have your child, they are yours. Many couples do that and are very happy families. I would seriously explore that option without wasting any more time. And make it clear to your husband that this is what you really want: to have a child. As Wendy said: this is your responsibility to assess you own desire to have a child.

    #753607 Reply
    bittergaymark
    Bittergaymark

    If somebody has two grownass kids — the last thing the world fucking needs is them popping out a second litter to please their clock ticking partner. Give it a fucking rest, breeders. We ain’t rats.

    #753608 Reply
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    carolann
    Member

    There is no test that can confirm menopause and hormone tests are not accurate enough to confirm.(according to menopause.org, webmd, etc) Your doctor can say you may be or may not be, but they can’t say for certain until you have gone 12 months without a period. Has LW gone 12 months without a period? Otherwise she can’t know for certain.
    My periods were wonky for years. I thought I was in menopause when I got pregnant at 43. After I had my daughter (who just turned 4) I started having regular periods again. Now they are wonky again, but I still haven’t gone 12 months without one. Only then can they officially say it is menopause.

    #753609 Reply
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    carolann
    Member

    Of course that has nothing to do with the fact that trying to get pregnant in this marriage is not really an option. He has made that clear. If having a kid was what she really wanted she should have walked years ago. Who would want a kid with someone who doesn’t want a kid with them?

    #753614 Reply
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    Sunflower

    My daughter is 40 years old and has been trying to get pregnant for several months to have second baby. She went to a fertility specialist for awhile with no luck. She was told she didn’t have any eggs left. So, she stopped going there. Time forward a few months and now she is two and half months pregnant! Don’t give up!

    #753851 Reply
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    carolann
    Member

    That is awesome! Congratulations to you and your daughter 🙂

    #753916 Reply
    Skyblossom
    Skyblossom
    Participant

    You cope by getting counseling. You grieve but you can’t demand that your husband also grieve. He has no grief. You find a different outlet than your husband because you know you won’t like what he has to say.

    As others have already said, this marriage should never have happened because you had a huge unresolved issue hanging over it. This is exactly what happens when you ignore huge issues where you have opposite desires and opinions and there is no way to have a compromise where you meet in the middle. You signed up for this when you got married without resolving your issue.

    I don’t understand why you are so jealous of your friend who is pregnant from an embryo adoption when you don’t want one of those. She must have also faced infertility and chose a solution than you don’t find acceptable. I don’t get your jealousy at all. You could have the same if you just wanted it. Your husband seems to feel the same way about embryo adoption that you do so I really don’t understand you and he probably doesn’t either when you are upset that he says bad things about it. You also say bad things about it. You say the child wouldn’t be yours and that you wouldn’t want it. How are his comments any worse than that?

    The other thing is that you can get pregnant during early menopause. Women going into menopause are told to be careful with their birth control because they can still become pregnant. The pregnancy rate may be lower but it certainly exists.

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