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Dear Wendy

No effort

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  • #864302 Reply

    My husband and I have been together for 7 years and married for 3 years. Recently he started a new job which he works 20 extra hours from his old job. It is the job of his dreams but it is more stressful than his previous work. Anyway he leaves home early gets back in time for dinner (9:30pm, yes I know it’s late but I want to eat dinner with him) and it is a 6 day a week job. The day he has off, Sunday, I work (along with other days) so now our time together is very limited. We have no children yet.
    He has had this job for 3 months now and our sex life is ALMOST non existent. When it comes to having sex he wants no forplay and wants to get into it straight away and that is just not how it was before when we both put so much effort. He says it’s because he is tired and sometimes just wants to get his load off!! Sorry about all the details buts that’s how it is. This turns me off so much that I turn down all his advances now which a short and almost effortless. How do I get back our sex life?
    To make things easier for him and us when he gets home everything is done yardwork housework cars groceries etc We use to share household responsibilities but now I do everything (which i am happy to do because he works so hard for us) but I feel he only puts in effort into his job not our life/ marriage There is hardly any communication aswell. It is rare for him to ask me how my day was or how my work is. I feel like I’m talking to an acquaintance not my husband. I’ve brought these issues up with him but he says he is too tired to deal with them and that everything is fine. I told him things ain’t fine as I feel I’m not appreciate in this marriage or sexually satisfied. He just got up and went to bed :/

    #864305 Reply

    I’m really sorry to hear that he dismissed your feelings and refused to even have a conversation about your marriage. I’d suggest bringing it up again and suggest couples therapy. Tell him you understand he’s tired, but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t have to put effort in and this is serious.

    #864416 Reply

    Why does he work so much? It is not sustainable long term. And why do you work the only day he doesn’t? Again, it can’t last like this. You both need a conversation to make your marriage function, take the appropriate decisions and find a balance between work and private life. The beginning of a new job can be challenging but after three months, he should be able to take some distance and see that it can’t stay like this, he needs to spend some enjoyable moments with you, put efforts into his relationship with you.I would stop doing all the house work for him, you are not his valet. He doens’t work “for you”, he works for himself, or for his firm, like a robot. Have a discussion and don’t let the routine go on like this. Your marriage is an investment as well, he must see that and make of it a priority as well. I would negociate one or two evenings out as a couple per week and find a common free day where you can both have projects together. If he remains married to his job, well, consider yourself lucky not to have children and end the marriage.

    #864424 Reply

    Is there an end sight to his ridiculous workload? Is there any plan to reduce his hours somehow? Him working 12hrs a day 6 days a week isn’t sustainable. I wouldn’t want to live like that, as the overworked person or their spouse. We can’t even suggest marriage counseling because he doesn’t have time with this schedule. But if he is able to make time check out Dr On Demand. Marriage counseling in the comfort of your home. If this is what he plans to work for the foreseeable future, you need to make it clear that that isn’t a marriage you’re interested in. Walking on eggshells, doing all the housework in edition to working, and joyless sex sounds miserable

    #864433 Reply

    Don’t get pregnant.

    If he won’t discuss it with you, then you have nothing to work with. It’s not clear how long this crazy schedule has been going on, but it’s not compatible with a real relationship. He seems to have checked out of the marriage, sorry.

    I guess one small thing you could do is stop waiting for him and serving him a late dinner every night. Just text him one Thursday afternoon and say, “seeing a movie with the girls. Later.” (You do have friends, I hope.) Do something else with your time than orbiting around him and this screwy schedule. Experiment with what it’s like to make yourself happy, instead of waiting on him to do it.

    #864435 Reply

    What is this ‘dream job’? I know few people who would regard an additional 20 hours/week of work as a dream. Is he making more money commensurate with the much longer work hours?

    It seems like he may not actually be qualified to perform his ‘dream job’ and needs to work all of these extra hours merely to stay afloat.

    Did you and he discuss and agree this job change, or did he just do it unilaterally?

    If he is making a lot more $, you should be able to give up Sunday work.

    If his position is no talk/no foreplay, you should tell him yours will be no sex. That solves the trapped in pregnancy issue.

    #864436 Reply
    avatarMiss MJ

    So, yeah. You need to talk to your husband about this and make it clear that he can’t keep this marriage going and avoid that conversation. First, you need to figure out when this insane work schedule is going to stop. Second, if it’s not got an end date in sight, then you guys need to figure out how to have couple time together – can you not work on Sunday? Your marriage depends on this step. Third, you need to get some sort of equitable household chore system going – either he chips in or you get help or something; it’s not fair to expect you to do it alone. Fourth – but not least – y’all have got to get in the same page sex-wise. Your needs aren’t being met and he needs to rectify that.

    If he’s not willing to work on this with you, to make whatever adjustments need to be made, to make your needs a priority even if he is tired, then you need to prepare yourself to end this marriage. I’m sorry. It sucks. But you can’t make it work by yourself.

    #864453 Reply

    I agree with everyone else. Is there an end date? Can you get Sundays off? You have to talk about this.

    Can you speed up the foreplay? Can you get yourself excited to go to bed with him and maybe things will progress a little faster?

    I had a long term relationship with a workaholic. We had a house, pets, marriage was on the horizon in theory. He worked 12 hour days, trained (he was also an endurance athlete) and there was no time for anything else. We would eat dinner and he’d fall asleep. Our relationship fell apart.

    If he’s not willing to work on it when you express your concerns, then there really isn’t much else you can do. You have to decide if this is something you can live with or not.

    #864479 Reply

    Is he a lawyer by chance? Several of the people who graduated with me got their “dream job” after law school and said it was a nightmare. 60-70 hour work weeks for the first few years was normal. The few who stuck it out moved to higher positions which allowed them to work less. I asked one of my friends why stayed with it and he says he works all the new associates the same way he was worked. It may just be a rite of passage for his career. Not saying he needs to put in more effort relationship wise but would it be acceptable for you to not work on his day off so you can connect on that day? It seems like if that would work for you you may be able to weather these ungodly hours.

    #864638 Reply

    These intense hours have been happening for the last 3 months since he got the job. He is a programming engineer.
    We did have a discussion last night and he does agree we need to spend more time together. I will no longer be working Sundays in the new year so we will see how things go. We didn’t talk about our sex life. The convosation was already awkward and for some reason I couldn’t bring it up. There wasn’t much eye contact form him either.
    When we spoke about the hours and spending more time together I had, had my hair done and wore a new dress but he didn’t notice I didn’t bring it up with him. He is talking to me but as if he sees through me. I said to him I’m your wife any worries or stress at work tell me about it. We always talk about things that bother us friends work family etc but he hasn’t been sharing much lately and he didn’t want to share his frustrations.

    #864645 Reply

    I find his lack of eye contact worrisome. Is this a new thing?

    #864654 Reply

    I don’t understand how a conversation with your husband about spending time together, given his long work hours could be so awkward that you can’t being up your decking/failing sex life. Are you tiptoeing around him for a reason? Do you always shrink your issues to not upset him?

    I agree the no eye contact is not a good thing. Are you sure he’s at work?

    You can’t fix your sex life if you can’t talk about it. You can’t make your husband choose to be interested in your life if he’s totally checked out. That’s what it sounds like to me, that he’s checked out, and he doesn’t really care all that much- my example would be you bringing up your issues and him responding by going directly to bed.

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