Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

No ring, no moving in together.

Home Forums Get Advice, Give Advice No ring, no moving in together.

This topic contains 20 replies, has 7 voices, and was last updated by Just Max Just Max 5 months, 3 weeks ago.

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  • #739503 Reply
    Dear Wendy
    Dear Wendy
    Keymaster
    #739526 Reply
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    anonymousse
    Member

    A ring is a symbol. Just a symbol. It means nothing, unless the commitment is mutually there.

    You are pushing him to do something he isn’t comfortable with. Imagine the tables reversed. How would you feel? Especially if he wouldn’t let it go?

    There is NO reason to rush things. If you push too far, you’ll push him away.

    #739530 Reply
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    JD

    The only thing you are being unreasonable about is your flat out denial of your own feelings. Stop pretending you don’t want to be engaged, you do, so tell him that. If you can’t tell the man you wish to live with and marry some day what you want then you have no place marrying or living with him. He thinks the ring means nothing because it doesn’t since you aren’t engaged or married. I am not one who find any offense to that if both people want it but he doesn’t so there you go. You really should not ever move in with a partner without an understanding of your goals, timelines and what you hope for the future. Doesn’t mean you both need to be ready but you should be on a similar page as to your “ideals” and goals.

    #739533 Reply
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    anonymousse
    Member

    I LOL’d at Wendy’s promise ring comparison. Yes, that’s how ridiculous and immature this is. “I don’t want an engagement or marriage, but I need you to wear a universal symbol that means marriage because….” WHY?
    The man wants to move in with you. That’s a totally normal next step.

    A promise ring is for 14 year old evangelicals.

    #739570 Reply
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    PurpleStar

    How about ya’ll just tattoo each other’s names on your left biceps?
    Would that show enough commitment for you?
    Geesh.

    #740503 Reply
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    Jessica Emelia, LCPC

    It is not an unusual situation for people in a relationship to discuss moving in together, but have different ideas of what that means. Without open communication about what that means, there’s potential for great misunderstandings, assumptions, conflict, etc down the road.

    Some people view moving in together as an act of commitment, where both understand the relationship is moving into a more serious phase, or even towards marriage, if that’s what both wants. Others consider moving in as a “testing out” phase from where they can make a decision whether they want to move forward.

    It’s essential for anyone moving in with a partner to have a conversation to clarify what moving in together means to each. If you are not on the same page about it, that needs to be sorted through.

    There’s a lot of emphasis on your asking for a ring in these responses. I think it’s important to step back and take a look at what the ring actually symbolizes to you – a sign of next-level commitment from your partner to accompany this big change. I don’t think you need a ring to feel that security, but you DO need to have a conversation with your partner about what moving in together means to him. If you are in agreement about what moving in together means to both of you, wonderful. If not, and if you are uncomfortable moving in together without a next-level commitment from your partner, then it is NOT the right time to move in together, because you will have different expectations about what that means.

    #740566 Reply
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    baccalieu

    I agree with everyone else. What the LW wants seems like an engagement ring without an engagement, and it maybe that LW really does want to be engaged but knows the boyfriend wouldn’t agree to it (at least not yet) so came up with this as an alternative. If this is the case, LW, (and I suspect it is) you need to be honest with yourself, foremost, and also your boyfriend about what you want. If he doesn’t want that, or doesn’t want it yet and doesn’t think he’s going to want it for longer than you are prepared to wait, then you will break up eventually and it is probably better to do it now before you move in.

    If you are serious when you say that you yourself are not ready for engagement yet, then I can understand your boyfriend’s confusion about the need for a ring. What does it mean? What is it for?

    #740932 Reply
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    Baker_Babe

    Doesn’t getting a ring now, without an engagement, kind of spoil if or when you get the real thing? Just sayin..

    #740939 Reply
    Just Max
    Just Max

    I thing that, more than a ring, you two should go over this list first:
    http://dearwendy.com/15-things-couples-should-do-before-moving-in-together/

    And this one, too! http://dearwendy.com/15-things-every-couple-must-discuss-before-getting-married/

    Way more important than a ring, in my opinion.

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