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Dear Wendy

No self worth – ruining my life

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  • This topic has 24 replies, 7 voices, and was last updated 3 months ago by avatardirtorsoil.
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  • #842673 Reply

    I’m 24 years old and I have a lot of issues. Sorry in advance for the long post.
    I think it will be easier if I bullet point my issues:

    • I have always been extremely self conscious about my looks. I had rhinoplasty (Nose job) when I was 19. This helped somewhat. But not entirely.
    Never had the confidence to take up a hobby or meet new people. Don’t know why, I’ve just never been that person.

    • After leaving school I began to distance myself from almost all of my friends (subconsciously) because I was always comparing myself to them and thinking if I was friends with such nice girls that no man would ever choose me. This has left me at the age of 24 with only 1 good friend and regretting what I’ve done.

    • although my family often comment on me not seeming happy, I find it difficult if not impossible to talk to anybody close to me about my issues as I feel extremely embarrassed. I hate being centre of attention and feeling like the “problem child” of the family. Therefore I am writing on this forum as I currently can’t afford a counsellor. I find it easier to talk to people I don’t know about my issues.

    • I always take things personally. Even the most light hearted jokes. I feel that my family and my boyfriend have to step on eggshells around me which I hate myself for.

    • I have an amazing boyfriend. I constantly cause arguments over the stupidest and smallest thing which results in us not speaking for days. Compare myself to his exes. Shout at him for not texting me at a certain time. I push him away because I feel I am not good enough for him, he has reassured me a lot, but even I am sick of asking for reassurance, however the need for it is out of control. He is honestly a saint for putting up with me for almost 4 years. We recently moved in together. I find myself delaying going home as much as possible because I want my boyfriend to miss me (yeah, I can hear how ridiculous that sounds)

    A lot of issues have recently come to light because my boyfriend had turned to my parents for advice without me knowing. He asked them for advice as he feels like he doesn’t know what he can do to make me happy. This really hurt to hear.

    • I constantly regret my choices about not going to college and pursuing my dream of working with animals, because back in school I felt that my friends were doing something different so I should follow. Again, regretful about this. I have purchased an online course in veterinary care which when I’ve completed will provide me with an official qualification which I’m hoping will give me an advantage when applying for jobs.

    • I am surrounded by happy family members and my partner is always happy and making the best out of life. This makes me hate myself even more because I constantly think in my head “I have everything important, which a lot of other people aren’t so lucky to have, why am I not happy like everyone else”

    This has got to the point where I am isolating myself even more from family, boyfriend and just the whole outside world.

    I feel like I can’t change because it’s too late and that everyone will always view me as that miserable member of the family.

    I’m not looking for sympathy, just some advice, encouragement, maybe someone has had similar experiences.

    Thank you in advance.

    #842676 Reply

    Sorry you feel this bad about yourself. But you are young and life is more open than you think. I won’t address all your points but some:

    – you can’t afford therapy? Well, you can afford food, you can afford a flat rent, you can afford a phone. So you can afford a therapist because you really need it. You can probably negociate the fares: try.

    – do you work? This would give you some stimulation and self value.

    – if you like animals, you could volunteer in a kennel to walk dogs or post an ad to walk dogs or take care of animals in your area. This would give you a precious experience in your career. A degree is good but experience is important, especially if you are a shy person. PLus, you will meet people who share your interests.

    – try friendly meet up applications, as an experience or as a challenge for you.

    – join an inexpensive club of something you like: sport, music, danse, animals, whatever stimulates you and will have you meet people.

    – stop comparing yourself to others. You are who you are: focus on the day, what you can do in one day that makes you feel good.
    – stop fearing the end of your romantic relationship. Enjoy it. If it has to end, it will, no matter what you do. Accept the support of your boyfriend, but do the other recommended things too.
    Good luck!

    #842678 Reply

    It sounds like you’re cripplingly insecure and self-sabotaging. I don’t know of any way to really address that without therapy. Brise has some good suggestions but they won’t get to the root of the problem.

    It also seems like you see your relationship with your boyfriend as some kind of validation like, well, I have a great boyfriend so I should be okay. But it actually sounds like your relationship is kind of dysfunctional. Going days without speaking isn’t normal. Betraying your trust and talking to your family members is not normal. Putting up with your terrible behavior isn’t a great indication of his own self-confidence and mental health. And even if he’s the best, most well-adjusted guy in the world, it’s not okay for you to treat him the way you described and just say well, I can’t afford therapy, oh well.

    Your parents could afford plastic surgery for you. They already know you’ve got problems. Why don’t you tell them you need some therapy because you’re miserable and making other people miserable and you want help. You don’t have to tell them in detail what’s wrong, just that you need help.

    Do you have to pay for therapy out of pocket in your country or does the national health service or private insurance cover some or all of it? Have you even looked into it?

    #842681 Reply

    You need the help of a professional and possibly some kind of medication. Do you have health insurance? Can your boyfriend or parents help? I had untreated anxiety until I was 30,and while I was able to function, I was unable to enjoy much of my life. Do you want to spend the next sixty years like this?

    #842691 Reply

    Definitely therapy. But I’ll also recommend volunteering, pet shelter or better yet, homeless shelter or some kind of organization that gives you 15 minutes out of your own head.

    I know this anxiety – but I’ll tell you a secret: NO ONE has it all figured out. Everyone is faking it until they make it. Every adult in your life has had more than one occasion where they dressed too fancy or too casual for an event. Where they spilled something on their pants before meeting someone important. Where they got instructions from a boss and none of it made sense. Where they fucked up royally and had to deal with the fall out. And how did they figure it out? They asked questions, they relied on others for help, they put one foot in front of the other and said “well shit, this sucks, but this will make a great story in 5 years”

    No one sees your flaws as big and as magnified as you do. Your eyes see your flaws with laser precision magnifying glasses and yet simultaneously see your friends’ and family’s flaws with compassion, and kindness in some kind of hazy soft focus camera lens. You need to turn that nice vaseline smudged lens on yourself.

    Learning to love yourself, for who you are, with all of your flaws can be hard. But it is important. The greatest gift my dad ever gave me was learning how to laugh at myself and just shrug my shoulders when things go tits up and say “OK, this blows but hey at least the song on the radio is cool.” (or whatever little bright spot I can find in that moment).

    #842696 Reply

    Sounds like you’re depressed and getting worse by the day. Either you do something bout it now or just watch your world burn and crumble because you are going to lose your BF, one can only take so much and 4 years is a blessing that he is still around and even asking your family for ways to help. Believe me when I say that him asking your family for help is going to be the last straw and he is out. Do yourself a favour and seek professional help because you are in dire need of it…

    #842706 Reply

    You have health insurance, right? Go see your doctor. He or she will refer you to a psychiatrist and/or psychologist. This is what you really, really should do. Many clinics can bill you on a sliding scale, or you might even qualify for reduced costs. It’s not going to hurt to call and ask. If you are really stuck and can’t afford it, ask your parents for help. Everyone around you can see that you’re hurting and they want to help you.

    You can call a helpline, or even use an app for a counselor, but I think you really need to see someone in office. You can get help. You can feel better. But you need to take the first steps to do that. Good luck.

    #842713 Reply

    Thanks for all your responses.
    I do understand that I need help and I have addressed a lot of issues as seen in my original post.

    And I do understand that my behaviour is unacceptable in some aspects but I can assure people that it isn’t intentional and I’m not trying to offend anyone

    #842714 Reply

    We understand it’s not intentional, but nevertheless you do need to address it and get help.

    #842720 Reply

    No one thinks you’re doing this intentionally. You are not going to go to therapy for a few sessions, have the therapist say something that resets your brain and you’re going to walk out a confident and self-assured person. That’s not how it works. There is no magic pill (although anti depressants may help and you should consider them).

    Think of this like a tennis swing, free throw or riding a bike. It takes practice to build up the muscles, find your footing, build your endurance. Everyone has moments of stress, self-doubt, whatever. But you’re spending too much time in that place. You need to learn some coping skills and figure out a way to get out of your head otherwise you’re going to drown.

    #842726 Reply

    You know the problems you are having, but (did I miss it?) you aren’t addressing them. You’re avoiding your bf, and you want to avoid getting help. If you don’t start taking care of yourself, I do think he will at some point leave you. Asking your parents for help is a big sign that you need to get help ASAP. Call a clinic. Call your doctor. That’s going to get you closer to where you need to be. Talking on a forum isn’t going to help you figure out how to manage your emotions and responses.

    #842727 Reply

    It’s not too late. You’re 24. You can go back to school if you want to. You can work with a professional and figure out what’s going on and work on that. You’re just starting your adult life.

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