Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Nostalgic first time mother

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  • #1100649 Reply

    I recently became a mother for the first time. I am engaged to my partner and love him dearly. Our relationship is really good and we are happy.

    Having a baby has really triggered some strong thoughts for me, about how I miss the early days of being with my partner, which is so strange because if anything, I am happier with him now than I ever have been. I used to be extremely insecure which made for a rocky start to our relationship, feeling like I wasn’t good enough for him etc.
    he is a wonderful man, father, partner and just everything I ever wanted. And I feel lucky every day.

    I don’t know what the reason is behind these thoughts, but also this time of year is the season when we first got together 8 years ago around Christmas time and that always reminds me of the early days too, every year. The excitement of him asking for my phone number, meeting up and going on dates regularly. Opening up to each other and developing into a strong relationship. I feel overwhelming sadness and happiness at the same time , looking back at how far we’ve come as a couple, how I’ve grown as an individual and learned to love myself. But I miss the excitement and the thrill of the early days.
    Don’t get me wrong, this is not a midlife crisis (I am 28) and there is no other man I fantasise about or want to be with, I genuinely always think about my partner and us as a couple.

    Having a new born is really tough, I know people say nothing prepares you, and they are so right.
    We haven’t made love for a few weeks (sorry if that’s TMI) due to obviously pregnancy, birth, tiredness etc. I don’t know if some sort of hormone is triggering these thoughts of “missing” someone I’m still with?!?

    Please tell me it gets better after having a child together. I wouldn’t change our child for the world and neither would he, it’s been an amazing experience so far. But I also don’t want to become just 2 parents and not a couple. I think it’s just intense at the moment with both being tired and I feel like I always look a mess, feel a mess!

    I don’t really know if I’m looking for advice or something, just needed to get this off my chest and if anyone has been in a similar position please share, it would really help!

    #1100650 Reply
    Dear Wendy

    Congrats on the birth of your first baby! I have two kids myself (10 and 6) and can say that the transition to new motherhood (and the transition to having two kids, as well) is a steep learning curve. It can feel like everything has changed overnight, from your lifestyle to your body to your friendships and marriage. It’s normal to feel really out of sorts, nostalgic for your old life, and concerned that even while rejoicing in your beautiful baby that you’ve lost so much. The truth is, you haven’t really lost anything – your priorities have just been re-organized.

    Right now, with a newborn, the priorities are simple: survive this. All of you are in survival mode. Life revolves around feeding and cleaning your baby and sleeping whenever you have a chance (which is often an hour or two here and there). Don’t underestimate the effects of sleep deprivation and hormonal deprivation. Know that much of what you’re feeling right now can be attributed to those two things and that in a couple months, you’ll start sleeping better and your hormones will begin settling down (and if they don’t, you should reach out to your dr).

    Everything you’re feeling right now is temporary. One thing that having kids has really underscored for me is how fleeting experiences and feelings are. babies and kids grow so quickly and every stage is temporary, including the one you’re in right now. Whether you love the stage you’re in with your child or your hate it, give it a few weeks – a few months, tops – and you’ll all be in a different stage. Embracing this can be really liberating, and the sooner you realize it, the sooner you’ll feel a little less crazy.

    Anyway, you and your partner will connect again. You’ll find space in your life for just the two of you. As your baby grows, you’ll feel comfortable leaving them with a babysitter and getting out on a date. You’ll find your sexual groove again. It will all fall into place. Just know that what you’re feeling right now – tired, overwhelmed, like you look a mess – is all very normal and it will pass. And you might even one day feel nostalgic for the period you’re in right now, crazy as that might sound.

    #1100657 Reply

    This does seem pretty normal to me. Like a bit of emotions post-birth. You miss the carefree and euphoric start of your love, I find it quite cute. Take some time to be romantic with your partner. Allow yourselves some intimacy, be it a massage or whatever feels good and close. You know, later you will look at these early moments of your child’s life and family as a most intensely happy time, probably the happiest and most memorable of your life. Make sure you get some help with your newborn for your and your couple’s balance. You will be fine.

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