Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Not his plus one

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This topic contains 44 replies, has 7 voices, and was last updated by avatar bearded lady 2 weeks, 3 days ago.

Viewing 9 posts - 37 through 45 (of 45 total)
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  • #852524 Reply
    bittergaymark
    Bittergaymark

    It would be helpful to know — yes. Did he bang her best friend? Or merely forget to grab her a drink from an open bar? Really. Who can say?

    #852526 Reply
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    Kate
    Keymaster

    I will say though, I don’t really get this:

    “my birthday was in August. The time to plan something was in August, not October…”

    But you were fighting in July and August and broke up for five days in August. I wouldn’t plan a birthday getaway trip at that point either, with things being so uncertain.

    But at the end of the day, you said you have several reasons not to trust him, that you in fact do not trust him, and you’re both obviously uncertain about the future of the relationship. It’s over. Just end it.

    #852533 Reply
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    FYI

    Why are you making a dumb wedding a priority over your career? In other words, if you are basically busy for the month of October with touring, then you already have something better to do than attend anyway. Don’t use this wedding as some kind of litmus test of his love for you, c’mon.

    Also, his talk of special birthday plans for you makes you suspicious!? Say what?

    #852537 Reply
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    saneinca

    @FYI, I think the LW meant that she is suspicious that the BF does not have any plans for her birthday and is just bluffing.

    #852564 Reply
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    Liz

    He is not into you. He sees her as a drama queen. The lady has developed a relationship in her head. The woman is doing all the relationship work and he is on for the ride. He doesn’t see a future with her so why would he invite her to place where his friends and family will be?

    #852566 Reply
    bittergaymark
    Bittergaymark

    People and their fucking birthdays. Get over it. I swear too God, the rest of the world still thinks they are 11.

    #852651 Reply
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    allathian

    Like others have said, it really shouldn’t be this difficult so early on in the relationship.

    It’s better to be single than in a bad relationship, and from here this one looks simply not worth wasting any more time on. So MOA, and next time, bail a bit earlier if it looks like the relationship’s not going to work out.

    Unless you’re close friends with the couple and able to attend a wedding with people you know and like, most weddings are dreary if you’re the plus one of someone who’s in the wedding party. Unless you’re the kind of social butterfly who’s really comfortable making small talk with total strangers you’re unlikely to ever see again. You won’t see much of your partner during the wedding, that’s pretty much guaranteed. At least not until the dancing starts…

    #852707 Reply
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    Leon

    I hate when people is so cryptic and keep the details for themselves when they want some advice, or when they want to tell you something. Not this one, but it reminds me of a friend who is that way.

    Like: “I can’t tell you the details, but something happened to a friend” and blablabla. And I’m like: FUCK. GIVE ME THE SHIT ALREADY. DRAMA. WANT DRAMA!

    #853202 Reply
    avatar
    bearded lady

    Whoa. You guys are feisty 😉

    First off, I apologize again for being cryptic. I am a very private person and strangers can be cruel in an anonymous setting. Example – calling someone you don’t even know a “drama queen.” One bad relationship does not make someone a drama queen. You are perfectly justified in calling me out on my behavior. Example – your actions are bringing unnecessary drama into your life when you should be focusing on your career. But using labels really isn’t helpful for anyone seeking advice. And I won’t engage in that kind of thrust and parry. Name-calling immediately puts someone on the defensive and then ironically….creates drama. Just please….be kind.

    The mistrust –
    After we got back together, I found him on a dating site. He claims he got on in those 5 days we were broken up and then forgot to turn it off correctly when we were back together. And yes, the fact that I caught him on it means I was looking. I went on with the singular purpose to see if I could find him on one. And that is rather sad and pathetic. Really, no one needs to point that out. Self-flagellation is one of my skill sets. And yes, I have better things to do than scour dating sites looking for a philandering boyfriend.

    And before that….I caught him going through my phone TWICE. A huge violation of trust. (btw, he found I was dating other people BEFORE we were in a committed relationship and never forgave me. And that is the only thing he found). The going through my cell phone really threw me. Only a crook worries about being robbed.

    And STILL, I chose to believe his fork tongue promises of commitment. I took him back. But now this wedding comes up and yes…the issue is never really the issue.

    And therein lies the problem with trust. It’s like a rubber band. Once it gets stretched out….it doesn’t just snap back to its original shape.

    I really don’t need anyone to point out the obvious right now. I am done playing relationship whack-a-mole. If it wasn’t the wedding it would be something else. I don’t trust him. And that is the REAL issue.

    I hope that if someone else reads this and finds themselves in a similar situation where trust is lost that you either get out or….get your whacking arm ready.

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