From a LW:
“My Partner and I have been together for eight years and have lived together for five years, but only my fiancé was invited to a wedding and I was not included in the invite. As a result, I feel our relationship is not being respected, just because I am not married to him. My fiancé not questioning why I was not invited, simply said he did not want to make a fuss about it and RSVPd yes for his attendance. I only found out about the wedding today, two weeks before it’s going to happen, and my fiancé said he forgot to tell me and it slipped his mind that he was invited. He would have neen out of town and in the town where the wedding will be taking place, so when he RSVPd for himself, he did so knowing I would not be there to attend. However, I decided as recently as a month ago to travel to the same town to help my son move into his new apartment while my fiancé is there as well and he didn’t think to tell me about the wedding then, when I booked my plane tickets while sitting right next to him!
This morning, he sent me a voice message informing me of the wedding and that only he was invited and he forgot to tell me about it and he knew when he RSVPd that I wouldn’t be in town anyway, but he was reminded of the wedding when he visited friends last night, and they reminded him of the dress code. So he didn’t even call to speak to me about this – he sent me a voice mail! He then proceeded to tell me that we made the same decisions when we started planning our wedding, which is a blatant lie and a gaslighting tactic, as we took couples into account and left some couples out, whom we did not know well or did not have a close relationship with. He further added that he see now that it won’t look right if in am in town and he attends the wedding without me. And I thought: “What does he mean it wont look good?” So I asked and he eventually said he understands that this is not about what things looks like but how it makes me feel.
Had he told me about the wedding invitation when he got it and we discussed it, I probably would not have any of the issues mentioned and would happily help my son move into his apartment while my fiance attends the wedding and we meet afterwards. But instead, there were excuses and the explanations and gaslighting and the insincere apology at the start of the voice message, making me feel disrespected. He knew I would be upset and he is trying to avoid conflict and not take accountability.
His mother and sister, whom he stays with when travelling for work (in the town the wedding is being held in), are very passive-aggressive and nothing is spoken about or discussed. My fiancé and his sister have a close relationship (she is a spinster who cares for their elderly mother). It is not unhealthy but very comfortable and dysfunctional. Maybe – and he does not agree – he is caught in the comfort of the dysfunction and does not have to do the emotional work while there.
After a good talk and me expressing how I felt, he sincerely apologised (although it now feels like I coerced him). My mind is all over the place with a lot of questions and concerns and trust issues running through my mind.
I almost feel I am over-reacting but I’m NOT! (just FYI, he will attend the wedding and I will help my son move in. I feel it is unethical to now pull out now, due to our inter-relational and communication concerns, after the numbers have been confirmed, and I don’t want him helping me with the move while constantly having it in the back of my mind that he is missing out on a fabulous time with his friends. But I just feel like trust was breached and disrespect shown to myself and us by both him and his friends and then the added extra’s, as mentioned above.
Help me make sense, please … “
Is this really about the wedding invitation and your fiancé failing to mention it to you until just recently, or is there more going on in your relationship that this incident is highlighting or underscoring? It feels to me like it’s probably the latter – like there are some things you need to work through before you marry this guy. And that’s fine! no relationship is perfect; it’s good to do some soul-searching and maybe even pre-marital counseling before getting married. But for it to be successful, you have to be really honest about your expectations and your feelings – with yourself, and with your partner.
I had the same thought that this was about something bigger than just the wedding — there seems to be a lot of resentment here! (Like, you even take a jab at his sister for being a “spinster.”)
I don’t think it’s fair for you to hold another couple’s decision not to include you against your fiance, nor do I think he should’ve made a big deal over it.
I do think it’s odd that the wedding didn’t come up sooner, though, especially since it sounds like it requires air travel. I also couldn’t follow his logic about the bad optics of being in the same city at the same time with different plans. So, I can’t help you make sense of that.
I’m not sure what you describe as gaslighting is actually gaslighting (it sounds like he was pointing out that you as a couple also had to make cuts to your guest list). However, I do think if there’s a larger pattern of deliberate lying with the intention of manipulating you/situations, you should definitely get some kind of couple’s counseling before legally tethering yourself to one another. I’d not want to marry someone I knew to be manipulative and whom I did not trust.LisforLeslieJanuary 4, 2023 at 12:17 pm #1117932
I find this whole thing ridiculous. Weddings are a big deal. You’ve been together for years. Unless your boyfriend is from outer space he should know the basic rules of etiquette which include a) Long term couples should both receive an invite to an event and b) when making plans you check with your partner.
Let’s say that the nonsense that he’s spouting about knowing you were going to be away and not wanting to make a fuss is all true. Is he normally one to allow his friends to insult or exclude you without defending you? If so, why are you with him? If not, why is it different this time? Because you already had plans? If the two of you were out to dinner with his friends and you went to the restroom and they started saying how stupid you are or your clothing was ugly, would he sit there and join in or would he defend you. Would he stay or would he find you and leave?
What’s the most plausible reason for his behavior? And is that acceptable to you? Would you be ok if this happened again?AngeJanuary 4, 2023 at 4:25 pm #1117938
Hmm, calling his sister a spinster and how personally you’ve taken this…
Are you sure there’s no reason you’re not invited?AnonymousseJanuary 5, 2023 at 9:36 am #1117948
I’m going to call it as I see it here, are you worried he is going solo to hook up with someone else? Is that why he is more concerned about “optics” than your relationships and feelings?
Just a hunch I had. I don’t blame you because he’s being weird. I am wondering why the fuck you’re on the path to marriage at this point, though. Pump the brakes, hard!
Like even that you call your son your son Vs our child- I don’t care if it’s his or not, you’ve been together eight years. If you don’t consider yourself a family unit and couple and honestly talk about things, you should not be getting married. Warning. Warning. Warning.AnonymousseJanuary 5, 2023 at 9:39 am #1117949
There’s always something more. Because if he’s an honest and trustworthy man you wouldn’t be questioning his at all. If it was my husband, and I believed him and he said that, I’d be fine and not give a shit. We don’t care about optics- we care about each other and prioritize eachother and our feelings over anything else.
I know I sound stuck up but your “fiancé” sounds like a handful and that their are other issues here you left out.AnonymousseJanuary 5, 2023 at 9:40 am #1117950
I’m going to o not apologize for my grammatical texting errors anymore, it’s a news years resolution that kills me but I just can’t be bothered with these elephant fingers.
Sorry forever on, everyone!
“I’m going to call it as I see it here, are you worried he is going solo to hook up with someone else? Is that why he is more concerned about “optics” than your relationships and feelings?”
So I also thought about this but wasn’t sure if it’s because I’ve somehow had two cheating ex-boyfriends go to weddings with their other girlfriends while we were together. If I were LW, alarm bells would be going off for me. But, I wasn’t sure if I only went there because of my own past. It may not be anything like this, but something seems amiss here.AnonymousseJanuary 5, 2023 at 8:50 pm #1117956
I can tell she doesn’t trust him and there are probably a lot of good reasons not to. Optics is not a good reason to stay with someone if you don’t trust him, have real honest communication…and when is y’all’s wedding? If you can’t trust him to tell you things and call you- why are you planning that wedding?
Does he hide his phone, share his phone and accounts or take calls outside the room? I hope I am wrong and he’s just a total idiot.PassingByJanuary 9, 2023 at 1:27 pm #1118025
Not being invited is a bit of a red herring.
Him not telling you until the last minute that he’s going out of town for a red flag.
Telling you over voicemail so you can’t have a discussion is another red flag.
Telling you you shouldn’t be in the same town as him during the wedding…is so ridiculous that I don’t even know what to call it.ronJanuary 9, 2023 at 1:32 pm #1118026
It’s called fear that she’ll be close enough to catch him cheating.