Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Not sure if boyfriend is attracted to me

Home Forums Get Advice, Give Advice Not sure if boyfriend is attracted to me

Viewing 11 posts - 1 through 11 (of 11 total)
  • Author
    Posts
  • #879760 Reply
    avatarJulia
    Guest

    My new boyfriend & I have been dating for almost 5 months. Our relationship is wonderful, and I am absolutely smitten with him. He’s smitten too, he can never stay away from me for too long.

    At the beginning of our relationship, our sex life was incredible. Sometimes we even did it multiple times a day! He even told me that being with me was “unreal.” But then it just waned. He didn’t want to have morning sex anymore because it tired him out too much before work. Gradually, he would turn down any advances in the evening, claiming he was too tired. We hardly ever do it anymore, but any time we do, it’s great with no problems. But it’s become so rare that I’m wondering if he’s no longer attracted to me.

    Outside of the bedroom, I feel confused. He is very affectionate and can’t keep his hands off me. We are always laughing and enjoying our time together. But if I initiate, he turns me down. We have discussed the lack of sex, and he says that “sex is not as important to him” and that he “doesn’t initiate because he wants to be respectful.” I have tried to be accommodating to this and I don’t want to pressure him into anything. But it’s hard to hide my disappointment at times, and he always says “he’ll make it up to me.” I don’t want to force him!

    I have been told I am a very beautiful woman. Even some of his friends gawk at me when he brings me around. But now I feel so unattractive and insecure. My appearance hasn’t changed since we started dating. Sex didn’t seem to be a problem with his exes, but I’m not sure they had as a high of libido as me. What’s the problem? How do I cope? It’s starting to hurt me so much.

    #879761 Reply
    avatarJulia
    Guest

    Oh, and I am positive he is not seeing anyone else.

    #879762 Reply
    avatarbloodymediocrity
    Participant

    All together now…

    YOU SHOULD BE SOCIAL DISTANCING RIGHT NOW

    #879763 Reply
    avatarbloodymediocrity
    Participant

    That aside – there’s kind of a lot happening now. Is your boyfriend newly out of work or otherwise stressed with this new horrible situation? That could lead to a drop in libido for a lot of people. Otherwise, for some people, around the 5 to 6 month mark, their libido drops suddenly.

    You will need to be upfront about your needs, and if he can’t meet them, you need to break up.

    But seriously, social distancing.

    #879767 Reply
    avatarKate
    Keymaster

    Yeah, come on, unless you live together (which would be way too soon), why are you not social distancing?

    IMO, 4 months is really soon for the sex to die, especially at your age (you write in a lot about college stuff).

    Whatever the reason here, it doesn’t really matter because you’re not getting the amount of sex you need, and he’s disinterested in sex with you. Does it matter how attractive you are, or what he thinks of your looks? If so, why? Bottom line, this isn’t working. And once the sex goes, it doesn’t come back.

    #879774 Reply
    avatarFYI
    Guest

    I mean… something here just screams insecurity to me. It’s not his job to validate you constantly. No one can keep that up (ha). Do you see sex as a measure of your worth? I get that it’s fun, it’s intimate, etc., but something about your post — it just seems like you want him to do it so that you feel okay as a person.

    #879775 Reply
    Cleopatra_30Cleopatra_30
    Participant

    To echo others, right now you are social distancing, if you aren’t, please do immediately. So sex is off the table regardless, don’t pressure him to get together to have sex for the sake of both your health.

    Now to the core, he told you ‘sex isn’t that important to him.’ He made it pretty clear that sex is not at the forefront of his relationships. That most likely won’t change any time soon. With that being said, once things get back to normal and you are able to safely see him in person, this is something that needs to be discussed because you may have incompatible sex drives and love languages.

    Physical touch, both intimate and otherwise, is really key for me, among the others. So to have a partner who says that to me would be a major incompatibility. I would most likely end it right there. HOWEVER if that is not a major thing for you, and him just not communicating properly what he needs and can give for his languages, that just requires a deeper conversation. He may be better at quality time, words of affirmation and or acts of service, compared to physical touch. If that resonates for giving and receiving for him, then you need to know that is okay with you as well. He clearly hasn’t stated he isn’t attracted to you, so that is just some personal insecurities coming out on your end. But a conversation can be had at this time over the phone to discuss how each of you share and show your love to your partner.

    #879776 Reply
    avatarKate
    Keymaster

    Just break up with him. This is not normal, people!:

    “We hardly ever do it anymore..it’s become so rare that I’m wondering if he’s no longer attracted to me.“

    This is not even a 5 month relationship and they’re like 21. This is going nowhere.

    #879778 Reply
    avatarron
    Guest

    That early burst of sexual activity — that was a sham to catch you and get you hooked on him. Who knows, perhaps he managed it with Cialis or Viagra, but that isn’t who he really is or who he wants to be. What you see now is what you get if you stay with him. It should be a huge red flag, since you seem very upset by the near absence of sex. Sex leads to oxytocin, leads to attachment, leads to you current quandary.

    And yes, you should be social distancing. If you are not worried for your own sake, worry that you could transit Cocid-19 to older, vulnerable family in friends.

    And, yes you should break up. There is nothing for you in this relationship. It doesn’t matter why he isn’t interested in sex, the key point is that he isn’t. He doesn’t approach you for sex, because he wants to be respectful? Even though you frequently try to initiate and get rebuffed. That’s a totally nonsense explanation and you should drop him just for lying to you about something this important to your relationship.

    Tires of his partners quickly/doesn’t find you as attractive as others and you find yourself/very low libido/asexual/gay? It doesn’t matter. You aren’t a match and he is unwilling to even be honest with you.

    #879783 Reply
    avatarEssie
    Participant

    Physical attractiveness is part of sexual desire, but it’s certainly not everything. Put another way, his lack of desire to have sex with you doesn’t mean that he thinks you’re unattractive.

    I think it’s very possible that the initial burst of activity was him trying to please you, and now as you both settle into the relationship, you’re seeing his usual level of activity.

    I’m not going to say don’t take it personally, because that’s almost impossible to do. But even if he thinks you’re the most stunningly beautiful woman he’s ever seen, if he has a low sex drive, he’s not going to want to jump you four times a day.

    You have to decide how important frequent sex is to you.

    #879789 Reply
    avatarHelen
    Guest

    For whatever reason he’s feeling disinterested in sex. It has nothing to do with you!! You’re not doing anything wrong or unattractive. There are a zillion reasons why someone’s sex drive tanks and its always their issue, not yours. You’re young and it’s only been a few months. Break up and find someone else when the pandemic is over. If you don’t think this pandemic is concerning go to the Covid/coronavirus support thread on this page and read my posts. It’s a lot so start at the end and read backwards

Viewing 11 posts - 1 through 11 (of 11 total)
Reply To: Not sure if boyfriend is attracted to me
Your information: