Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

not sure if gaslit. engagement argument; 29f, 5+ years with 33m

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This topic contains 112 replies, has 14 voices, and was last updated by avatar TB2015 3 months, 2 weeks ago.

Viewing 12 posts - 97 through 108 (of 113 total)
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  • #837905 Reply

    “I’m starting to think that’s not something that normal couples should say.” No, it most definitely is not normal. None of this is normal or healthy. It’s so great to hear that you are seeing that, and speaking to someone about it. Please, please! don’t stay with him for another year or more and then use a distant job to break up. What a waste of a year with this loser! (And by your description, you are WAY better at adulting than he is. You like to have working appliances, a mowed lawn, and better credit! You have a paying job!) You are a catch and he is a LOSER. He probably knows this, and that’s why he tears you down constantly. I really hope you leave him, ASAP. You deserve so much better.

    #837921 Reply

    I have a friend that was in an emotionally abusive marriage for YEARS. She knew it, and i would try to be as supportive as possible with reinforcing the idea that it was not healthy. At one point i told her that there’s no trophy at the end of this, there’s no “Good job! You stuck with this guy through all his terrible treatment, here’s your trophy!” There isn’t. There is absolutely nothing to gain with staying in a relationship that’s not working.

    You don’t even need big terrible things like your examples, they can be tiny things, anything is reason enough to end a relationship over. That’s your right. Get out.

    *My friend finally got a divorce last year and her ex has been nothing but terrible, BUT she’s realizing that she feels so much more emotionally lighter and now has options with guys who are better for her than her ex could ever be.

    #837924 Reply

    Oh, sweetie. I’m glad you’re starting to see the forest for the trees. Here’s another list of my thoughts/suggestions based on my own experience having been where you’ve been and survived. Hope it helps!

    1) Just find one person in your inner circle to confide in. Pick the person you trust most to have your back. If you’ve never been the type to open up to friends/family, then start with just one. No need to boil the ocean. Depending on how that goes, you can then decide if you want to confide in others.

    2) Time is the most precious commodity in life. Not money, not material goods, not anything else. Money lost can always be earned back in some way, but time lost can never be replenished. You’ve wasted more than half your 20s letting this man reduce you to a shell of your former self. Are you happy with how you spent your 20s? Are they how you want to spend your 30s? Your 40s? Your 50s? How much more of your precious time–your precious, can-never-be-earned-back, time–do you want to waste on this man?

    3) Move out. ASAP. Regardless of where your job hunt takes you. Just move out. Crash with a friend. Rent an Airbnb for a month. Couch surf. Just get out from living under the same roof as him. Abuse is a fog. It clouds your ability to see or think clearly. So long as you keep living in his fog, you will always be stuck with self-doubt.

    4) Being spineless is not something to be proud of. You know that. No one ever lay on their death bed thinking, “Gee, I wish I’d been more weak-willed and let more people take advantage of me.” You have power and strength–you’ve just let this man convince you you didn’t. But you do. Find your inner Wonder Woman.

    5) If you’re still afraid you’re too spineless to do the hard stuff to extricate yourself from this situation, then bring your +1 confidante(s). Bring him/her over when you move out. Have him/her by your side when you tell your boyfriend it’s over. There’s no shame in having an ally with you during what has to be one of the hardest situations you’ll encounter.

    Sweetie, every day you spend not doing anything about this situation is a day you will look back on with regret, years from now. I say this in the kindest way possible: What are you waiting for?

    #837926 Reply

    I will be honest & get straight to the point; you are wasting your time with this LOSER so called boyfriend of yours.
    Let me wise you up incase you’re not completely sure what’s going on. This douche bag is a complete horrible Narcisist who gets off on speaking down to you & has not one ounce of respect for you at all. He does this because he thinks he is better than you & probably alot of others & seeing/feeling you doubt yourself, keeps his horrible self centred ego inflate even more – it’s an awful mental condition Narcists have that they need to keep being fed. The only thing he’s interested in is HIMSELF. He obviously has no intentions of getting engaged to you & you can see he is stalling by putting up “road blocks” at every turn. I am telling you, if you want a miserable life for your future, stay with him! He & this awful situation won’t get better, it will become far worse. He doesn’t even speak to you nicely at all with any loving respect whatsoever. He talks down to you so much! It’s so awful to hear.

    Firstly, IMMEDIATELY undo your pay check going into this so called joint account you & he have set up.

    Then GET OUT & far away from him NOW!!
    You deserve so much more darling girl. You are one very intelligent woman who has a PHd for goodness sakes. Give yourself one big pat on the back, you very clever possum.

    I mean this when I say it – do not get pregnant to this horrible male you are with. You have heaps of time to have a family with someone who treats you like you deserve to be treated – with kindness & respect, someone who values you & really loves you.

    Set up a wonderful life for YOURSELF. Get a great job where you throw yourself into & save some money for yourself & your future. Then find somewhere you would like to live or house share or board, somewhere half decent that you can call home. Then go find a counsellor who can point you in the direction of building up your sense of self worth & self esteem. Join some clubs either on a sport that could interest you or other topics like dancing, crafts, painting, a new language, wine appreciation, bookclub – anything new. And make some new & wonderful friends. There’s great people out there! Also read up on Narcisists so you are armed with info & know how to “spot” one immediately. You do not need them in your life ever!
    Go out on dates with some nice males, for fun & your happiness.
    Then later on, only when you’re ready settle for someone who treats you kindly, talks to you like you matter & with great respect. Someone who has your back in life. And someone who you can share a lovely life with where YOU and your feelings matter to him.
    In the meantime do this – get your money for yourself then RUN, RUN, RUN, RUN!!!!

    #837929 Reply

    Why do you want to marry him? He is treating you like dirt. And he won’t ever happily marry you. And who the f**&* cares what his mom wants?? That’s a flimsy excuse. The relationship is between you two.


    A marriage where one goes into it unwillinglyis not going to be the best spouse. I have seen it up close!

    #837934 Reply

    You’ve been living this for 5+ years, of course it would be hard to change. You don’t have to break up with him, I think you should have done that a long time ago, but no one on this site is going to be at your door tomorrow with a cardboard box and a moving truck.

    Start with therapy. Find a good therapist with whom you connect. Maybe get a reference from a woman’s health center who know resources for both physically and emotionally abusive partnerships.

    Do something nice for yourself every day.

    Start saying “no”. Start saying “I don’t like when you say that. I’d like you to stop.” YOU DON’T HAVE TO JUSTIFY IT. You say “I’ve said what I want to say, I don’t need to justify my feelings. They are my feelings. If you don’t like that I’m asking you to stop insulting me, those are your feelings. I would like to stop being insulted. You are saying you’d like to keep insulting me.” Obviously use your own words but you can start to push back.

    Practice response phrases when you are alone. Use big words. “If you can’t articulate your needs, then I can’t meet them. When you find the words, I will listen.” (Listen, not obey).

    But please start taking steps to separate yourself from this raging mold spot in the jam jar of your life.

    #837949 Reply
    LA di da

    People who want to do something find solutions. Ppl who are not committed to doing something find excuses. Your bf has had nothing but excuses as to why you can’t move to the next level. A year ago it was that it was too expensive and you needed a more secure job. Then it was that he/his mom need all these extras like a photographer. Now it’s you have to wait three! more years for him to graduate.

    You are never going to be able to satisfy this man’s moving targets. How are you going to feel when you invest another three years(!) into this relationship and he comes up with another excuse as to why you can’t get engaged yet? That is precisely what will happen if you keep sinking your time into this relationship.

    You deserve better than this gaslighter. Leaving him will open up space in your life to find a partner who actually shares the same hopes and dreams as you.

    #837951 Reply

    I understand from personal experience how hard it can be to break away from an emotionally abusive relationship. Please start meeting with a therapist, preferably one who has experience with abusive relationships. Even in a small town, a therapist is bound by confidentiality laws not to discuss your sessions or treatment. It’s important that you get out of this situation as soon as possible, but you have to lead your own life. You can start standing up for yourself. “Please stop speaking to me that way”, “I need you to stop putting me down”, “I’d like that to be the last time you say something like that to me”, “when you say that it really hurts me and I need you to stop”, “I don’t want to engage with you right now”, and “I don’t need to justify my feelings to you” are all reasonable responses. Start walking away. Go get a coffee or to the mall or take a walk. Stop sharing or speaking to him unless absolutely necessary. When he openly calls out that this “looks like” an abusive relationship it’s because he knows damn well that it is and he’s trying to normalize that to you and make you think that treatment is ok. It’s not. Please start building the confidence, or the friendships, or the financial cushion or whatever it is you need to get out of this situation as soon as possible.

    #837973 Reply

    I’m late to the party, but I had to chime in to show my support for you. I won’t go too much into what a colossal farktard your boyfriend is, though I will say he makes my ex (who was a gas-lighting, manipulative narcissist as well) look like freaking Prince Charming (and I usually call him the devil). What I want to focus on is you.

    You are smart. You are educated. You have a good job and a good future. What’s more, you’ve overcome tremendous trauma to get there. So many people wouldn’t have had half the strength and courage it must have taken to do that. I know I wouldn’t have. You are so many wonderful, special things and you need a partner that appreciates them, instead of undermining them. Strangers on the internet are more supportive of that creep. And we are supportive. We know you deserve better- so much, much better. We are here for you (as much as strangers can be). Please, keep seeking help and ultimately get away from this monster. As someone whose self-esteem was profoundly damaged by my own devil, I know how hard it is. But keep saying to yourself what I say to myself every day- You deserve to be happy; You deserve to be loved. I left my monster years ago believing I’d never find real love. You know what? I did find love. And you can too. Even if you don’t (and I really think you will, you’re still young), you can still be happy, just without him. You will never be happy with him.

    #837975 Reply

    *more supportive THAN that creep, not of. One day I’ll actually proofread my work.

    #837990 Reply

    I don’t know if you married the father, or are the gf, like OP was. The family doesn’t have to acknowledge ‘Dad’s gf’ as any sort of official position. Since her father married her mother, the ‘its just a piece of paper, I don’t believe in marriage’ is a hard sell — he married before. That gives ‘Dad’s gf’ a very temporary feel, far more temporary than long-term never married couples, or serious young couples whose relationships are assumed on the road to permanence.

    #838000 Reply

    @ron, I think you posted this message on the wrong thread.

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