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Dear Wendy

Not sure if to break up or continue the relationship

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  • #736253 Reply
    avatarDancing dream
    Guest

    Hi,
    Short story, I’ve dated a guy for a Year now, prior to dating him I had just gotten out of a 10 year relationship. Now after a year of being with him… I’m so conflicted.
    ***If I don’t pay for the meal or the entertainment for the night we always go half and half on the bill.
    He always says how much he loves me but I’m so tired of having to take care of someone in all 3 of my relationships (mind you I’m 28 years old) I’ve had to pay for my dinners and etc. is it so bad of me to want to have someone who takes control and pays once in a while? He’s not poor he actually makes more money than me so I don’t understand. I feel so sad because I really love him and I know he loves me very much but I’m tired of me always having to pay. Granted I’ve never mentioned it to him mostly because I’m afraid he’d think I’m a gold digger. But I’m not at all I don’t mind paying as long as he offers to pay once in a while but he always says “50/50?” In our one year anniversary I paid for everything! I don’t feel that this is fair. I’m a very nice person maybe even a pushover and I think he may be taking Advantage. One thing though he quit his job about a month and a half ago but he finally starts a new position on Monday at new company. But this whole 50/50 thing has been happening since the beginning. Am I making a big deal or am I right in having these feelings of the relationship not working out? Should I mention this to him or should I move on and focus on me? Your thoughts are very much appreciated.

    #736260 Reply
    avatarHeatherly
    Member

    Sorry, but if something bothers you in a relationship then how can it be solved if you never talk about it?!! No man or woman is a mind reader. You need to advocate for your self.

    Now are you paying 50/50 for stuff or 100% for meals etc? As you aren’t clear in what is actually happening. If after you actually talk to him about how you would like him to pay for stuff some times, and if it doesn’t stick, then move on. Especially if he doesn’t make you happy.

    But I think you might want to move on anyway & learn to advocate for yourself. Speaking up in a clear and non combative way is a very important skill. Do you also have self esteem issues? Perhaps time to be single and go to counseling to gain insight in yourself and ways to be confident.

    #736276 Reply
    avatarLisforLeslie
    Guest

    Agree that you have to advocate for yourself. Anyone (man or woman) who works on the principle of “What’s yours is mine and what’s mine is mine” is an ass.

    He may make more money than you but you don’t know what kind of debt he holds. Loans, mortgage, student loans, gambling debts, could be his reason – or he could just be selfish.

    Personally, I hate a 50/50 approach. I pay one day, you pay the next. We agree that when it’s my turn you don’t order lobster and champagne and when you’re paying, I don’t order caviar and blue label scotch. Relationships shouldn’t be about bean counting but they also shouldn’t be exploitative.

    #736293 Reply
    avatarBakerBabe
    Guest

    Is this the only issue? I agree this is annoying and selfish but could easily be solved or at least acknowledged in a straightforward conversation. I wouldn’t jump to breaking up right away unless you’ve seen other major red flags so I’m confused about why you jumped to break up right away as a potential solution to this

    #736361 Reply
    avatarJD
    Guest

    I don’t agree this can be easily solved. I think if he believes this is ok to not even grab the check ONCE it seems indicative of him not caring or wanting to take advantage. A conversation is not going to change that.

    #736362 Reply
    avatarron
    Guest

    JD —
    She won’t know until she get the courage to try a conversation.

    #736364 Reply
    avatarEssie
    Participant

    But you don’t always have to pay. You say you go 50/50, if you’re not picking up the tab, and it doesn’t sound like he’s reluctant to pick up his half of the check. Is it the gesture? You want him to stop you when you go to pick up the check? I mean, you’re offering to pay.

    I think you need to get clear in your own head what you want and why, then talk to him about it. Do you want him to pick up the tab because you think men should pay for dates? Or because you see it as a romantic gesture?

    There’s no one right way to do this – it’s one of those things couples sort out between them. Only you’re not doing that. You’re expecting him to know what you want, and getting resentful when he doesn’t guess the right answer.

    Even within a relationship, couples vary on how they handle it. There have been times when I’ve picked up a lot of dinner bills, because my boyfriend was stretched thin with child support payments. There have been long periods where he paid for dinners because I was going through a rough patch with my freelancing work and I was scraping by. Most of the time, we just split the bill. But we talk about it, and adjust as needed.

    #736365 Reply

    I think if he believes this is ok to not even grab the check ONCE it seems indicative of him not caring or wanting to take advantage.

    Or maybe he has a different perception of their relationship. He may think it’s a casual FWB and she may think it a full on monogamous relationship. She won’t know until she asks, tho.

    #736368 Reply
    avatarFirestar
    Guest

    “Hey Casinova I don’t really like how we pay for our dates. Either I treat or we split it 50/50. Can we just take turns paying from now on?”

    Then listen. His answer will tell you if he’s clueless, cheap or miserly. And you can then act accordingly. For the record, completely clueless and willing to accommodate that request really is the only valid answer.
    1. CNN juju b0i8t

    Also, stating your preferences in a relationship is something you are supposed to do. If you feel you aren’t capable of that then you shouldn’t be in a relationship.

    #736369 Reply
    avatarJD
    Guest

    I also did consider that he may view their relationship differently but she mentioned anniversary dinner/outing.

    #736459 Reply
    avatardinoceros
    Participant

    I agree that the LW needs to express her needs and potentially find out if he sees the relationship differently. However, even if this were a totally platonic thing, it would be weird and rude for him to have her treat him or go 50/50 without ever returning the favor.

    So, yeah, tell him what you’d prefer to do and stop offering to treat him until you guys work out something that works for you. At this point, you’re just going to resent him every time you pay 100%, and generosity isn’t the same when it’s done through resentment.

    Personally, I’d see this as a red flag. I think that generosity and reciprocity are good traits in a partner, and if someone has to be prodded in order to reciprocate generosity that is shown toward them, then I imagine this will come up again.

    #736475 Reply
    avatarBaker_Babe
    Guest

    It seems like we are talking in circles. Whether or not it is ok for your date fund to come mostly from you is not up to us. It’s up to you. Personally, I would be annoyed and would be quick to point this out to my partner but I haven’t heard that you have done that or that you plan to do that any time soon. To me, the only reason he is doing this is because he is cheap, he does not care to make an effort with you, he has bad manners and is completely unaware, or he is not as well off as you think he is.

    You’ve been putting up with this for a YEAR. He’s not going to change without at least a conversation. If you want to give this another shot, talk to him about why this is important to you. If you are using this issue as an excuse or way to break up with him, then just end it now.

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