Not sure if to break up or continue the relationship

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  • Dancing Dream
    January 22, 2018 at 6:32 pm #736477

    @baker_babe @heatherly @lisforleslie @jd @essie @ron @cleopatrajones @firestar @dinoceros
    Hi everyone! I’m so sorry for not responding sooner. Okay so I wanted to address a couple of questions. I know for a fact he wants more to this relationship his whole family including him are constantly reminding me that this is more than a just a boyfriend relationship; hinting towards marriage. I know its pretty early on I mean we just hit our 1 year mark.. Also I do really love him a lot and I don’t want to break it off BUT I’ve been in a past relationship were I was being taken advantage of financially and I’m seeing the same signs in him.
    I’m totally okay with paying here and there but not for everything. So let me back up a little since we started dating it was “do you want to do 50/50” i find that odd because I would offer to pay for the dinner and then he’d still ask me to go 50/50 on the movie or he would ask me to go to grab lunch or dinner and I’d offer to pay and he would just be okay with it. Granted, I did that a lot because he wasn’t working these last two months (maybe that’s why I feel like I’m being taken advantage of)… but he was still doing that before.
    I did have a talk with him this past weekend and he said he finds that me bringing this up is odd and weird, he said the whole idea of he pays one thing I pay the other weird as well, but that its fine and he’ll work on it. I spoke to my best friend and she said he basically dismissed me and was like whatever about it all, quite honestly I didn’t see it that way at the time but he certainly wasn’t all that comforting after we discussed this.
    I’ve noticed that he likes it when other people pay for him or do things for him and it’s a bit irritating. Do you guys have any thoughts on this…
    Again your insight is appreciated! 

    January 22, 2018 at 7:22 pm #736478

    Perhaps the best approach is for you to simply never pay 100% for anything and just automatically go 50-50. See what his reaction is to this. If he can only afford $10 toward food and a movie, then your joint budget for the evening becomes $20. You may need to say that you’ve felt financially taken advantage of — very direct, I know, but you seem on the edge of just breaking up with him, so why not? You say there is the prospect of marriage in the future. Have you discussed with him how you each expect that to look, financially. Does he expect that you will pull more than your share financially, in return for getting to be married to the wonderfulness, which is him. Unless you are a big earner, who expects and wants to be the primary bread winner for the family, it would be a mistake to marry him with lingering discord about his financial stability and willingness to carry half the load. Or, perhaps, his education/training/work experience will never permit him to carry half the load or to hold stable employment. Can you accept that? Something to consider now, rather than later.

    January 23, 2018 at 3:35 am #736484

    Stop paying more than 50%. You said you repeated the same pattern with your two previous relationship. So don’t: the aim when going through relationships is not to repeat the same patterns which don’t work. If you say “can we split more equally the bills from now on, or pay alternately”, he won’t think you are a gold digger. He will simply understand that the free dates are over and that he has to take his wallet out of his pocket.
    Do it, he will respect you more.

    January 23, 2018 at 7:17 am #736487

    I still think this is a long term recipe for disaster. People who are less than generous can be infuriating. They spend their money on things important to them, but get upset if you buy things that are important to you.

    When you go out to eat and he eats a $36 steak and a $4 beer and you eat a $12 salad and a $6 glass of wine – are you paying half? When you’re treating does he order more expensive things?

    If you were to marry, would you even consider joint accounts with someone who wanted to 50/50 your world? What happens with big purchases? What if you don’t have joint accounts and are responsible for half the bills –
    what happens if the mortgage is $3500 and the utilities, car payments and other bills only total up $3000 – do you have to write that person a check for $250?

    I can deal with financially responsible, I can’t deal with cheap. Or with people who take advantage of a financial arrangement.

    Avatar photo
    January 23, 2018 at 11:46 am #736519

    Well, he’s cheap and a moocher so I don’t recommend spending the rest of your life, potentially, having to fight with him over money. That’s a no-win situation for you.

    To me, if a guy asks you out on a ‘date’ and he requests 50/50, then it’s not a date. It’s two friends having a meal together. And don’t offer to 50/50, if that’s not what you want.

    January 23, 2018 at 12:03 pm #736520

    Completely agree with @Cleopatra Jones.

    January 23, 2018 at 12:22 pm #736523

    Leslie hit the nail on the head – it’s less to do with the money and more to do a complete lack of generosity. Like why would he find it weird that you pay one and him pay the next? That’s culturally dating basic expectations. And excepting a guy to pay does not make one a ‘gold digger’, esp if he doesn’t sound like he has a lot of money. If a guy asks me out on a date I have never once paid or made any type of effort to pretend to reach for the bill – gold digger that does not make me, it’s valuing my self worth and that if you invite me out why would I pay? Once I start actuallu dating someone I’ll start pulling out my wallet a few dates in.

    You say that his family is talking about marriage but is that what YOU want? You have concerns of prior relationships and one year in you have a major concern with him as well – and when you do bring it up he dismisses it as ‘weird’…is that the type of communicator you want to me married to?

    Even if you do keep finances separate, unless you get a prenup when it comes to divorce assets would be seen together! So if he racks up a ton of debt that’s your debt too and if you come from more money and/or make more money he can get his hands on that too.

    One year is a short amount of time but it is long enough to get a feel for the person – it’s totally okay to cut your losses over this. I’d be wary as you’re seeing patterns from prior relationships so perhaps it’s time to break up and take some time to focus on yourself and build up your self esteem!

    Dancing Dream
    January 23, 2018 at 12:47 pm #736524

    thank you all for your insight!

    @Cleopatra those were my same thoughts… I found myself thinking “Well if i’m paying for my meal is this just friends going out VS lovers” totally had me thinking.

    no he won’t order things that are expensive just because i’m paying.

    I’m definetly going to stop paying or offering, its not fair to me. And I need to enforce my standards without being afraid of what he may think. I appreciate your insight, and after discussing this with him, I hope that this is enough for him to realize that it really bothers me and that he needs to change.

    Dancing Dream
    January 23, 2018 at 1:02 pm #736525

    @SherBear thank you for the insight, those are the same exact thoughts that I had when thinking about the future. Let me put it to you this way, he’s never once said hey let’s go grab a drink and he pays… I always pay for my own drinks… it almost feels like we are buddies. Even though clearly we are not.

    I was going out once and even she said as i walked out the door to meet him “Make sure that he;’s paying and you’re not paying for everything” I’ve never once told her about this! How does she know! Clearly she sees something in him that is tipping her off.

    With that said! I’m going to give this a chance see if the situation changes. After talking to my friend and seeing her perspective I honestly do think he dismissed me so if that’s the case and i see no change… then goodbye! Because quite frankly i don’t have time to deal with this while i’m trying to get into law school and get my career going.

    Thank you thank you to all of you! I’ll keep you guys posted should i see a red flag! >.<

    Dancing Dream
    January 23, 2018 at 1:03 pm #736526

    *I was going out once and even my mom said as I walked out the door…

    Avatar photo
    January 23, 2018 at 1:48 pm #736534

    With that said! I’m going to give this a chance see if the situation changes.

    Gurrrl, why?!?!

    January 23, 2018 at 2:05 pm #736536

    I think that you should at the very least have a talk to him about his financial contributions to your shared events and why it upsets and concerns you that he won’t ever pay the bill.

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Not sure if to break up or continue the relationship

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