Him saying he’ll work on it is him hedging. He’s trying to sound like he is going to do what you want but needing to work on it is saying he won’t make it. A good statement would have been that he understands and he will pay his share in the future and he will sometimes pay the entire thing. He didn’t come close to saying either of those things. I’d expect a few feeble attempts to look like he is doing better and then he will be right back in his comfort zone of letting you carry more financial weight than he does.
I think you should start getting your own bill. Why go 50/50. Just order what you want and pay for it without trying to divide it with him. Better yet is to move on.AngeJanuary 23, 2018 at 7:19 pm #736546
It’s not even about the money, it’s about the lack of a giving spirit. Generous people give even when they have nothing to give.BakerBabeJanuary 24, 2018 at 11:23 am #736596
Please just end this.
I’m with Ange. Generosity of spirit is subtle but so important for lasting happiness. I think if he had been horrified that you had to bring this up and deeply concerned about it you might have something worth working on. As it stands? Why bother? This is who he is and everything you’re writing tells me you know you can do better.
In general, if you are a year, or more, into a relationship and this unhappy about it and questioning it you should end it. The reason doesn’t matter. You aren’t happy, you talked about it and got a poor response. There is no use trying to fix something that is broken where the other party likes it broken.
You’ve worried about appearing to be a gold digger without thinking about how he could care less about himself appearing to use you. The way he treats you says everything about him. If he doesn’t mind dumping the bill on you then that is who he is. That is his core. I think you’ve reached the point where you feel used and you no longer respect him. You still love him but that won’t last when you feel used.
You’ve worried about appearing to be a gold digger
I will never understand when women feel this way. LW, in order for you to be a gold digger, there actually has to be some gold to dig. This dude is broke, so why would anyone think that you are with him for the money? If anything, he should be concerned that he’s coming across as a tightwad and a moocher .
This mindset is what keeps women from speaking up when they are being treated badly because they don’t want people to think that they are shallow.
Don’t miss the bigger picture. Even if this issue is resolved (which is unclear), not only does he appear to be a little stingy, but his reaction to you bringing up an issue that has been bothering you is to call it weird that you brought it up and to call the idea you had to solve it weird. That’s really obnoxious. It sounds like he either doesn’t know/care how healthy relationships work and/or that he’s trying to make you feel guilty for bringing it up, in hopes that you don’t bring it up again.
In a healthy relationship, his response should be to listen, try to understand how you feeling, and NOT try to make you feel bad about the conversation. It’s a very one-sided response, where he seems to think he’s the decider as to what is weird or not and that someone else’s opinion must be objectively wrong. This kind of stuff is going to come up again any time you have something you want him to change or that is bothering you, and it just sounds exhausting to be with someone where you’re going to have to deal with being called weird whenever you want to do that.Dancing DreamMarch 9, 2018 at 12:05 pm #742383
Thank you so much for the answers.
Quick update: We haven’t been going out as often atleast not as often as before, for the most part we are either at his family’s house or at our friend’s house. I’m not sure if this a response to my talk with him but ever since then our “dates” are not as often as before. So I can’t really say if anything has changed.
On the bright side he’s mentioned he wants to take me on a fancy date soon, he even sent me some restaurants and asked me to pick. But again this is a statement not yet backed up with action so we’ll see.
Sometime between our last conversation (here on dear wendy) and now. I did bring up that I felt like he dismissed me when I mentioned the paying situation and he said he was sorry and he can’t remember that he said what he said. I’ve noticed this pattern of “I don’t remember saying that” as something he says when I bring up things that are rude about him. So i’m going to keep my ears and eyes aware of his actions, I can’t say I want to break up with him.
Anyways Happy Friday! 🙂KateMarch 9, 2018 at 12:31 pm #742388
“With that said! I’m going to give this a chance see if the situation changes. After talking to my friend and seeing her perspective I honestly do think he dismissed me so if that’s the case and i see no change… then goodbye!“
Sounds like it’s goodbye then? You’re going out less often and nothing’s changed for the better.VathenaMarch 9, 2018 at 12:33 pm #742390
“can’t really say if anything has changed” I can tell you what changed. He doesn’t want to go out as much because you told him you won’t be paying for everything anymore. He doesn’t want to pay, so he’s making sure you don’t do anything that costs money. I’m skeptical that he’s going to actually take you out to a nice dinner.
“I’ve noticed this pattern of “I don’t remember saying that” as something he says when I bring up things that are rude about him.” <– that’s called gaslighting. Making you doubt the evidence of your own eyes, ears, and memories. Also, you’ve been dating for a year. If you’ve already had to have enough conversations about things that bother you to establish this as his pattern, that is plenty of evidence that it’s not going to get better.
It’s good that you’re paying attention to his actions, and not just his words, but seriously…don’t throw away years on a relationship that already has a dynamic that is causing problems. Give it a few more months maybe, but if he’s still not meeting your needs (and telling you that YOU are the one with the problem), you oughta peace out of there.
Well, I don’t think most people *want* to break up with their partner. But they do it because they aren’t getting what they need from the relationship.
Going out to eat is really simple. There is really no sense why there needs to be this long gap between him saying he’s going to do it and doing it. All he literally would have to do is be like, “Hey, are you free Friday? Let’s go out to eat, my treat.” But he hasn’t.
Unfortunately, it seems he’s learned that if he says he’s going to do something that’s the same to you as actually doing it, or that if he pretends he doesn’t remember doing something, you just sort of let it go.
Noticing patterns in your relationship and in your partner’s behavior is good, but it means nothing unless you actually use that information.