March 18, 2018 at 6:29 pm #743521
Ugh, my keyboard ruined that whole comment. My first part was pointing out that telling someone you don’t remember something and making them doubt their own memories is the very definition of gaslighting as per the damn movie. I’m really sad it didn’t copy over in its entirety, it was much better written. Off to change the ole batteries.March 18, 2018 at 6:39 pm #743522
I think you are confusing a situation in which the guy is always expected to pay with this LW’s situation, in which she pays more of the freight than he does, including picking up the whole tab and setting out to treat him, neither of which he ever does for her. That’s a HUGE difference. She just wants the guy to pay for some of the dates and is perfectly willing to reciprocate. There is absolutely nothing antiquated sexist or whorish about that (really, can’t believe you said that).
Another reason people rightly deny saying something is that they didn’t actually say it, at least not in the way it’s played back at them. People hear and interpret and sometimes amplify and then take that as what was said to them. Not so much in the moment as a week later when they bring up the perceived misstatement/lie/insult as they now remember it, having stewed on it for a week. Also, what we remember saying, which is so clear in our mind, doesn’t come out of our mouths exactly that way — we may miss a vital word, it may be subject to multiple interpretations, it may come out more certain than we were actually thinking. This is especially true the more emotional a discussion becomes.
On the other hand, some statements are intentional lies and gaslighting. When what appears to be lying and gaslighting happens repeatedly, Occam’s razor says that’s what it actually is. Just as extremely vague language paired with diversions is a deliberate strategy to obfuscate and avoid truth telling..March 19, 2018 at 3:08 am #743526
So… I read All your messages right now. I’m shocked but not surprised that some people would equate 50/50 with whore Exactly why I didn’t want to bring this up in the first place!
FYI he has done some romantic gestures such as glued a picture of the two of us on a wooden frame he created, brought me my favorite drink to work on atleast 3 occasions and coffee whenever I’m studying.
Anyways update: we went out to lunch on Saturday and man was this awkward. The weekend before I had paid for our dinner which I was fine with. But this weekend we went out for lunch and we ordered our food and at the end while playing I felt that he was really milking it. After 8-10 (this is how long the check was laying on the table) minutes of what seemed like him waiting for me to pay. I finally had to ask him how are we doing this? And I didn’t reach for my purse.. so he said I guess I’m paying for it right since that’s what we are doing right? And that question annoyed me sooooo much. I said yes! That’s right. I was so determined to not pay… and he got the check and said wow $70 for lunch! And I looked at him and said yup that’s how much it costs and he said why it’s just lunch?!? I was so embarrassed all I could say was I’ve paid this before, even more and he had the nerve to ask when??? I was so embarrassed because people could hear us. 🙁
We went to dinner tonight and what happened almost ha don’t me in tears?!?
He’s cristian and I’m catholic and he always questions my choice of religion. So I asked him if we were to have kids would he allow them to go Easter egg hunting? And he said no it’s celebrating the wrong thing. Anyways he continued to say how this conversation usually only happens once people are about to have a baby or are getting engaged. This devastated me! After being with someone for 10+ years and not even being engaged, I told him I’m not waiting 3 years to find out that you will always look down on my beliefs.
The point is… I think you are all right. I need to break things off and focus on my needs because they aren’t being met. It hurts me so much to say this because although i was conflicted on this whole money issue… i don’t think he’s a horrible guy and really cares about me. But honestly him saying « that the conversation should only be had once things get serious » is to me a slap in my face. It had me wondering if that’s not what this is after a year and two months then what is this??? Its 1AM but I can’t stop crying and thinking over this « slap in the face » 🙁March 19, 2018 at 5:46 am #743529
Yeah mate, sorry to say but if your relationship was a race horse I’d have had the steward’s screen out a long time ago. If you can list the total amount of kind gestures he’s done for you and it’s that small…nah. I couldn’t even remember how many nice things my husband has done for me and vice versa, it’s natural in a good relationship to be always giving because you should want to see your partner happy and comfortable. We’ve had moments where the score keeping got a little intense and it was miserable, I couldn’t live like that full time. You certainly don’t have to.March 19, 2018 at 7:15 am #743536
Oh kiddo – it’s time to move on. The fact that he thinks your religion is “wrong” is the biggest Red Flag here. Hell, I was raised Jewish and we always dyed eggs because that’s delightful. Didn’t hide them, that’s for the gentiles, but we decorated them.
He’s selfish and he’s judgmental. He made you a picture. Big whoopity do. Get yourself someone who is going to treat you like a partner.March 19, 2018 at 7:39 am #743539
Dump him now. Everything you write about him makes him sound more pathetic and awful than the last thing. His one talent seems to be stringing you along with very minimal effort. His kick the deal-breakers down the road strategy is guaranteed heartbreak and more wasted years for you.March 19, 2018 at 8:27 am #743541
Eww, he sucks. Also, all of my Christian friends do Easter eggs, had no idea they weren’t supposed to? Who knew. The religion thing is weird. Plenty of couples do both religious practices. I know families who have an xmas tree and a menorah. Why? BECAUSE THEY BOTH RESPECT EACH OTHERS RELIGIONS! Also, from what I hear the kids think this is just the best, they get to celebrate both! WOOHOO!
Griping over lunch when you always pay. Ugh, I seriously dislike this man. Plus, regardless of who pays, it is about the “feeling” of balance. One person could regularly spend more, what matters is that you feel like it’s even. When I was younger (20) and dating my ex (29) he made way more than me so he paid most of the time. In turn I cooked him home made meals often and would grab the cheaper checks (lunch) often. This always felt balanced to us, especially since the man could only make a bowl of cereal.March 19, 2018 at 8:36 am #743542
I’m going to diverge and say it isn’t “wrong” for him to not want to have his children do easter eggs. There are Christian denominations that believe that is contrary to the biblical spirit of Easter. But it’s probably a good indication that he isn’t the person for you. It’s also a good reminder that people should have religion discussions early. It often goes to the heart of how people see their families/children and can be pretty intractable.March 19, 2018 at 8:57 am #743544
” It seems to me far more likely that here it is a way of avoiding taking responsibility for the things he said, that now, with hindsight seem like not a good idea. Either it was a promise that he made that he failed to keep, or now doesn’t want to keep, or something hurtful that he said. If he doesn’t admit saying it he can’t be blamed for it or held to it.”
That is just as obnoxious and rude as gaslighting. You seem to think it isn’t but it is. When an adult refuses to take responsibility for their own words and avoiding the consequences of what they said then they are acting like a child. You can’t have an adult relationship with someone who constantly acts like a child. So regardless of whether it is gaslighting, which it likely was, or refusal to take responsibility, it is relationship destroying and an excellent reason to dump them.
You seem to have missed entirely that the guy never paid for her. She either paid for both of them or he paid his share and she paid her share. Never did he pay for her but he let her pay for him a lot. He let her pay for him so much that she felt used. This isn’t whether it is better to pay for your own share each time or whether you take turns paying, this is she pays all of it or she pays half of it but he never pays for more than half. If they had each paid for their share every time she wouldn’t feel used. I’m left wondering how you missed this most basic detail from her original letter.March 19, 2018 at 9:07 am #743545
Lord, Bacc you need some help. Literal help. From a trained therapist, help. Your views on relationships seem to skew towards creepy, and a bit abusive. Women aren’t possessions who should let a man do whatever he wants to them in a relationship. Dude, GTFOH with that nonsense!
Shout out to Ron and Sky Blossom for having the fortitude to read through his crap and not throw y’all’s computer through the window. I read the first couple of sentences then I started getting the dry heaves so I stopped. I can’t with him.
Anyway, LW it’s OK to cry. It’s the end of a relationship and that’s always sad but this is NOT the guy for you. Please don’t think it is! Find someone else who wants the same relationship that you want. Not someone who’s so busy mooching off of you that your needs aren’t being met in the relationship. Seriously, you did the right thing ending the relationship.
March 19, 2018 at 9:59 am #743565
- This reply was modified 1 month ago by Cleopatra Jones.
@ Cleo You made me laugh and now I’m glad I didn’t throw my computer through the window.
I go back and forth between Bac being a troll or being just clueless to life in general and I usually come down to clueless. I think most trolls don’t have the ability to look clueless. I assume he is struggling somewhat to figure these things out.March 19, 2018 at 10:05 am #743568
I think he’s kinda both. He trolls in the sense that he’s trying to get a reaction and get people to engage with him, but I also think he’s somewhat clueless… I think he’s said he doesn’t have a lot of relationship experience. If that’s true, he gets somewhat of a benefit of the doubt, but yeah, his views are pretty skewed in favor of bad guys, and that doesn’t seem to be evolving.