Office Life and Social Life
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So a while ago I posted about being new to my job, getting used to the people around me and my office crush. I think some of you misunderstood but I merely admire this woman and find her attractive that’s all. I wouldn’t actually date her since it’s unprofessional although if it does happen outside the office place I won’t say no. However the issue I was having is that I am not sure if all workplaces are like this but I have been here for 3 months and never once has anyone from my office genuinely asked me any kind of question unrelated to work. Not even a genuine “how are you”. Maybe I am used to making friends where I am/study/work but I just wished they would put the effort to be genuine and try to get to know me. I am eager to make friends in this new place but when the people around you seem uninterested and when apps don’t work things get lonely. It’s even worse when your office crush and others gives off that same energy only with you but with others they seem to be quite joyful. Then again I’m still new, it just seems like even if u don’t know me, you’re not putting effort to get over that barrier.
Ok but you did ask if you should pursue her, which means try to date her.
So, a couple things… 1) Do you ask people questions about themselves? Meaning are you making that effort to get to know people and it’s not reciprocated? If not, I would try that first, like hop on the zoom on time and make a little small talk, even better if you do this in in person meetings. Try to find a commonality with someone. It can start with just asking about their weekend and trying to get to some rapport from there.
2) You said the apps don’t work, what do you mean by that? I know apps aren’t easy but are you chatting with anyone or getting any dates? There could be something off about how you are interacting with people. And I know you said you’re not looking to date your crush, but then when you say the apps don’t work and you get lonely… it sounds like maybe you ARE looking to make a romantic connection at work and that might be a vibe that people pick up on.
I submitted before I was done in case the page refreshes, but also take a look at your employee benefits. Is there any kind of counseling or coaching available to you where you could talk to someone and get some ideas for how to navigate the workplace better?
Also, what about sports leagues, trivia, stuff like that? That’s how people tend to make friends after college, that and the workplace.
There’s a weird balance to be struck in office behavior. People do make friends at work but it’s not like TV.
First – are you oversharing? Are you telling people stuff like you got wasted or your buddy shat in your car? That’s not going to fly in a lot of offices outside of the bro-culture of finance.
Second – are you trying to get to know them? Have you stopped by their desk, looked at their photos of family and said “You’re married, that’s great! How long?” or “is that your wife? How did you meet?” it sounds stupid but it gets people talking about themselves and when they think you want to know them, they will likely want to know you.
Third – as someone older who works with Millennials and Gen Zers , I am hesitant to ask anything for fear of “triggering”. I’m not being facetious, I let people tell me about their lives and then I ask questions. I’ve worked with a man for a year and I only got his wife’s name this week because she just had a kid and I told him I didn’t want to send a gift to “Mike and his wife”.
Making a real friend at work is always nice, but people go to work to earn a paycheck, not to make friends. I’m not sure your expectations are realistic. Some of it also depends on office culture. I’m at my fourth company since graduating and of those four, two companies tried to be “fun” with social/bonding opportunities. Two — including the one I’m at now — skew a little older and quieter. Does your office have a social committee? Maybe you can join.
My original post to you included suggestions for how to make new friends in a new area. Go back and read it. I listed off the things that worked for me. Work is one avenue to make friends but IMO that shouldn’t be the first and only place you look. Dating apps can work (met my bf of five years on Bumble!), but yeah, they’re a clusterfuck. And even so, that shouldn’t be your only form of socializing outside of work. TBH if I could go back in time to when I was brand new to my city, I’d not have jumped onto an online dating site at all for a year. I’d have focused solely on getting settled, finding my routine, and making friends. Even if you found a new girlfriend, you’d still want these things because a relationship cannot save you from loneliness and would not be your whole life.
Lastly, it IS lonely being somewhere new by yourself. I remember the very first weekend I had alone in my new city… I had no idea what to do with myself so I literally just walked around and got to know my neighborhood. Try to plan one thing to look forward to every weekend, even if that one thing is by yourself. Try a new spot for lunch, take yourself to a museum, take a class. Learn to enjoy your own company.
Okay, I missed this before I saw your newer post.
It sounds like you’re right out of school and are having trouble making friends as an adult. Get in line! We all are. We’re all out here struggling to make connections and it’s hard. You said they’re not making an effort to know you. That is not their jobs. They are there to work. Literally one is getting paid to learn about you. People are feeling you out. They are not going to want to get to know you if you treat work like a club- hunting out the attractive women in the room to distract you from work-getting upset that no one knows enough about you to ask you much…what are you doing to be friendly at work, not creepy to your crush and how are you starting conversations?
