July 5, 2018 at 5:10 pm #760089
I am at a loss and I need advice. Advice more constructive than “just talk to him” or “leave him now” preferably. My husband and I have been together for several years. In the beginning of our relationship I had a mental health flare up so to speak and I said terrible things I did not mean like I wanted to be over and hated him, it was manipulative and very bad on my part, and also the only way I knew how to deal with emotion given my childhood (mom was an addict terrible anger management and mood swings, neglect sexual assault, had terrible relationships they screamed at eachother all hours of the night left played games etc) I responded desperately to him requesting a two week break, crying begging pleading demanding seeing him at least once a week acting happy until the end of the night when I’d fall apart asking for him back this made a two week break extend into a three month break. And he eventually chose to end things with me and about ten days later I was going on a date with someone else andbas I walked into the movie theatre he sent me a text saying he missed me. Looking back I understand I reacted poorly to his need for space and when I felt familiar feelings of abandonment I responded in a way that was unhelpful. I continue to have that problem but I did not want to get back together at that point because I was still hurt about all the times he was not there for me during our break. We also still had sex once a week and this was different because we did not live together have kids were not married etc. we ended up getting back together but I always felt like he was in the wrong for how he treated me on our break I brought up old stuff frequently once we made amends, and I was always asking more of him and criticizing him, we had great inside jokes went to an eight week parenting class had tons of fun vacations and adventures together and were the type of couple who cuddled all night. I did not realize what I was doing when I’d make little comments like he was not passionate enough of a lover or I wanted more surprises though he already did lots of romantic gestures. I would get emotional form time to time because I still have not dealt with stuff from my past. I don’t think he knew how to handle this and I’m now realizing the whole time I demanded more love from him I actually needed it from me. My mom when my son was born told me I did not deserve him that she could kill me herself spit in my face and told me that my husband was going to cheat on me and all men are bad parents and actually went as far to break into my apartment when I blocked her. I’ve dealt with her irrational behavior my whole life and while I have not made it to her level I see similarities in myself like my emotional responses and manipulative responses trying to get my partner to do what I want and show them how hurt I am by threatening and belittling. My husband has some of the same issues like saying he will kill himself if I don’t work with him, crying begging etc. I understand some dynamics of or relationship are not healthy and I understand why even though this is a small percentage of the time, it may warrant space. We had an argument after opening a joint account and I told him I felt lonely and said I regretted some things and he immediately left when I said that I’m sure he had it with me constantly criticizing him he said he felt he didn’t make me happy said I didn’t encourage him to see his friends enough which I can now see but he could have asked me if he wanted to see his friends and everytime he’s asked I’ve said yes. But after this things started to drastically change and he would not have a conversation with me about it he won’t tell me what he needs if he wants to work on this if he needs space if he wants to be a family still. He doesn’t even know if he can commit to renewing our lease. I told him I’d give him a designated guy night a week if he thought that’d be sufficient and maybe I could have a girls night and we could try couples counseling all to which he said he’s not happy doesn’t know what he wants and maybe onbthe counseling. Since then things have gotten worse and better, he’s stayed out very late claiming to be doing maintenance calls but I’ve found him instead being with friends and I confronted him by staying at the place he was when he said he was somewhere else and he laughed in my face when I cried said he didn’t give a fuck if I didn’t believe him, etc. I was tired of the disrespect tired of trying to understand his needs and intentions and working so hard on myself I even started therapy and am trying to make real changes and not respond emotionally. Since Sunday I’ve been staying on people’s couches and I don’t know whether to go home or give him space I don’t know how much contact is too much and honestly with the way he’s been lying and laughing in my face and constantly running off to be with his friends and avoid me and not caring about my feelings at all, I’m starting to lose respect and feelings which may also be what happened with him in regards to me. I don’t know what to do because I can’t talk to him and it feels better to not be with him right now. I don’t want to tell him how I feel but honestly I’ve been starting to think about a life without him, I want to better myself for my son and future relationships so I need to make some real changes but all I know about what he’s feeling is what his mom has told me, he’s not ready to talk, lied about where he was to be left alone, thinks we might have moved too fast, is not ready to throw in the towel and has said this probably won’t last forever he does plan on talking to me at some point, I can come home if I want, and I haven’t lost him. I am willing to work on this if he is, I didn’t mention a lot of his mistakes that I forgave him for because I’ve honestly decided it’s time to stop letting it be relevant. I don’t want to carry the grudge anymore even if he does call it quits. And I’m not ready to tell him he’s doing a lot of damage by being mean inconsiderate slightly selfish and childish… I’m not ready to tell him I’m slowly losing love and that I want a partner who will get through these times and fight with me for a healthy relationship. I know I’ve messed up but I still feel I can’t hold this relationship alone. I want him to read this article but don’t want to criticize and don’t think he’ll read it I want this to work out but I’m feeling less passionate about it everyday that passes with no affection, he literally scowls when I touch him when he used to be a clingy loving man he doesn’t joke with me even though we used to constantly, he doesn’t Care when I cry or talk when he used to relentlessly talk to me and force me to talk whenever he noticed something slightynoff and wouldn’t let me sleep until we resolved it, doesn’t want to spend time with me when he used to race home, doesn’t touch me when he used to randomly pat my back or give me a loving touch all the time, doesn’t feel the need to be honest with me when he used to tell me everything even stuff he hadn’t told his friends, he’s been cold and distant and I just need advice and to vent. I know I suck which is why this is anonymous but please tell me any similar experiences even if it’s a personal message or what you think I should do. Thank you if you read this far. We also aren’t technically on a break have no guidelines for who sees our son when or when we’re going to talk and I’m in the dark completely. I’ve already tried asking questions and expressing a sincere desire to work on things and feel that has only made things worse and it would be unhelpful to repeat myself and making him say I love you hugging him only pushes him further away. Things had been going really well for several months before I had a weird depressive week and that overly emotional argument st the bank. He always wanted to talk on the phone after work and would be sad when I’d get off would constantly text me “I miss you WIFE” would act cute and pout to get attention and “loves.” and now doesn’t speak or touch at all. This behavior has been going on about ten days. I’ve been staying elsewhere for four days and he has not texted or called or seemed to bat an eye.July 5, 2018 at 6:01 pm #760095
I couldn’t read it all right now but one thing that struck me is you saying “allowed him to see his friends”. Honey you don’t allow someone. He can see his friends and does not need permission.July 5, 2018 at 6:19 pm #760097
I made it halfway. You are too damaged to be in a marriage right now. Get divorced and get therapy.July 5, 2018 at 7:13 pm #760100
I made it about 1/3 of the way through this. There’s way too much water under the bridge for you two to ever function as a healthy couple. Go to therapy and work on yourself. Concentrate on being a good mother.July 5, 2018 at 8:04 pm #760104
There comes a time when even the most loving partner has had their fill of drama and torment. You were not emotionally healthy enough to be a good partner, and you’ve hurt him and said a lot of things that he probably can’t forget. You keep asking for more and more and he’s tapped out.
You also seem to give yourself a pass for this and blame your childhood and parents. That only goes so far. He needs a break from the crazy. He needs to clear his head.
You need to keep going to therapy, and you should leave him alone for awhile. Stop trying to contact him, to talk things out, etc right now. Let him come to you. Exercise some self control and focus on yourself and being a better parent.July 5, 2018 at 9:51 pm #760117
I gave up, and I’m usually in it for the long haul.July 5, 2018 at 11:03 pm #760126
I agree with the advice that you need therapy. A LOT of therapy. The way you’ve both behaved in this relationship is unhealthy. Your forcing him to ask permission to spend time with friends is unhealthy. Him threatening to kill himself if you don’t acquiesce to his demands is unhealthy. Your constant reiteration of past grievances as a way to guilt-trip him is unhealthy. Almost everything you describe about how you interact with each other is the opposite of how healthy people in healthy relationships behave, even the things you think are positive. I mean, him preventing you from going to sleep by “relentlessly” forcing you to talk if he felt you were “slightly off” was not a sign that he cared, it was a serious red flag! You don’t want your son growing up with this relationship as his model for a marriage.
If you didn’t have a child together and therefore need to have a civil relationship in order to co-parent effectively, I would say that for your own mental health you should never speak to one another again. As it is, you should see a lawyer and/or mediator about establishing a custody agreement. It doesn’t sound like he wants to reconcile. If he did, you shouldn’t – and likely couldn’t at this point. All of your focus should be on your child, who comes first, and on getting yourself healthy so you can be a good mother.July 6, 2018 at 5:54 am #760156
Yeah – paragraphs are your friends. I couldn’t make it through.
You want constructive advice:
You fucked up. A lot. I mean a lot a lot. So did he. But you say you were manipulative, cruel, controlling (you didn’t see it that way but I do). You have enough issues to compete with a suburban Barnes and Noble.
You can’t go back in time. You can’t take back the things you said. You can’t change a pickle back into a cucumber.
Get therapy, in particular cognitive behavior therapy to learn your triggers and constructive ways to manage your demons. Do your best to co-parent but your ex needs to protect himself from you.July 6, 2018 at 7:36 am #760164
This relationship is unsalvageable and it needs to be over. Immediately. For your sake, for his sake, for your son’s sake.
You say “some dynamics of your relationship may be unhealthy.” Some? Every single thing about the way you react to each other is unhealthy. Yes, there are some things he’s done that aren’t good at all, but as you say yourself, the bad stuff started with you. You broke this relationship with your own cruel, manipulative behavior, and it never recovered. And you’ve continued the bad behavior. The two of you continue to damage each other with every interaction.
Break this off, see a lawyer to set up a visitation and child support plan for your son, and make an appointment to see a therapist. You’re in no way healthy enough to be in a relationship. NO relationship will work when you’re not emotionally healthy, and you need to get yourself right for your son’s sake. Your volatile emotional state has to be affecting your parenting.
This relationship didn’t work from the very beginning, and you’ve spent years trying to force it to work. Don’t do that. It only leads to misery for both of you.July 6, 2018 at 8:45 am #760181
…why are posters here so allergic to paragraph breaks?
And sorry to go against your stated desires for advice, but leave him. Work on you. Take care of your child, who’s the latest victim here with the most immediate needs. Get healthy so that you break the cycle of abuse, and do not get into another relationship until you can be the adult in the room for your child. FFS.July 6, 2018 at 10:28 am #760214
Was that link there last night? I don’t think it was.
Stop blaming him for the dissolution of your marriage. Neither of you were mature enough or emotionally healthy enough to be in a healthy relationship. Your focus should be what’s best for your son.
Everything you do affects him. Start being a good role model. Do not fight in front of him. Figure out what you are doing, other than sleeping on other people’s couches. He needs and deserves a stable home life.July 6, 2018 at 10:31 am #760217
Your post was too exhausting to even read all the way through —much less live —- no wonder he has simply checked out and bailed.
NEWSFLASH: It’s over. So over.
Focus on therapy. And on coparenting platonically. He’s just DONE. And frankly, few can blame him. Drama drama drama gets OLD real fast.