Our daughter is refusing help and pushing us out of her car/apartment buying

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  • PassingBy
    May 24, 2022 at 10:41 am #1109773

    You seem more concerned with what you would want in her situation than what she’s actively telling you she wants.
    She is not the same person as you and is not in the same situation that you were in.

    She’s rejecting your help, not you. If she regrets missing out on the deal, then that means she’s learned a lesson. She’s at the point where she’s prepared to make decisions for herself, and that’s a good thing.

    The end goal of you raising and supporting her for these past 25 years is that she can do exactly what she’s trying to do, operate independently.

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    May 24, 2022 at 10:52 am #1109774

    Oh, OP, I am exactly where you are right now. I have twins a few years out of college in the process of moving out. It’s been a very, very careful minefield I’ve been walking.

    One did absolutely all of the research and applications for grad school on her own, but asked for (and really needed) help with the apartment shopping. The other found roommates and an apartment and was ready to put down the deposit before I even knew she was seriously thinking of moving out, but came to me to help her car shop and polish her resume. They have confidence about different things.

    At this point, they’re adults. You have to present them with your point of view/wisdom/experience and let them make the decision. My daughter chose an apartment in the city with a longer commute, which wouldn’t have been MY decision, but it’s what she really wanted. And we were able to talk about it before she put the deposit down, just to make sure she’d considered it. If she’d thought I’d steamroll over her I would have found out AFTER she put the deposit down.

    They’re going to make mistakes, and if they do, I’ll be there. But too many kids don’t speak to their parents because their parents didn’t respect their opinions or let them find their own way. I’ve told my kids I’m feeling my way through being there for them without being annoying. I hope I’m achieving it most of the time. It’s hard.

    May 24, 2022 at 11:16 am #1109775

    “Thank you for the responses but I will say I do not entirely agree. My daughter is a very stubborn individual and she really does not understand the deal she is missing out on.”

    All I can say is that there are some people who get good advice from others and then plow ahead and ignore it.

    May 24, 2022 at 11:23 am #1109776

    Sounds like your daughter’s stubbornness is inherited.

    Something on which to reflect: You came here and laid out your problem making you the kind and knowledgeable parent and your child as the immature naif. The collective response was pretty consistent to let your daughter make her own mistakes.

    If 8K isn’t going to break you, then put it to the side, let your daughter make her mistakes and if she needs to be bailed out, you can help her then. Mistakes are how we learn.

    May 24, 2022 at 11:38 am #1109778

    I also do not see the mistake your daughter would be making? You say she has 21 thousand saved, and 18 is coming out of that, okay. But she’s staying home a while longer to save more. Will she be able to recoup the entire 21 again? If she can stay home to resave as much as she is comfortable with moving out on, then that sounds fine to me. This is not the end of the world, make-it-or-break-it scenario you are making this out to be.

    May 24, 2022 at 11:55 am #1109779

    She began working last September and it has taken her about 9 months to save the 21K. She claimed after buying the 18K car, by staying at home a few more months and moving out in September of this year she’d have 12K saved again, but remember, that is BEFORE buying furniture and all the other expenses that come with getting an apartment.

    There has been some claims made about me in this forum that I don’t appreciate, but I only wish to clarify my position and make things clear.

    May 24, 2022 at 11:58 am #1109780

    I wish you could see how incorrectly you are thinking about this.

    Most people hunt for an apartment for themselves at 25 without mommy with them. At 18 I was doing all of that myself with no help, and sure I’d have liked your money, but I would not have liked you assuming you know what’s best or what another person wants better than they do themselves. It should be what SHE wants, not you. It’s her life, not yours.

    Do you want to be involved in her life? Invited into it? Or kept at arms length? Because if you keep this line that you know better and she’s a naive fool, you will succeed in totally pushing her away. I’m surprised that hasn’t happened yet, at 25.

    You said you and your husband won’t let her make this bad choice, but she’s 25 and she can buy a car, a house, a jet if she wants to and you can stamp your feet and say you don’t like it but that’s about all you can do about it.

    Why are you so worried she’ll make a mistake? What kind of mistake could she make that couldn’t be undone? You seem to have a financial cushion so what is the fear you have?

    It’s time to let go, mom.

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    May 24, 2022 at 11:59 am #1109781

    I didn’t see the response when I wrote my original comment, but oof. Yeah.

    Your daughter is literally telling you what she wants to do and you’re invalidating her. Stop. She’s 25. Her opinions, wants, and needs are all valid, even if she’s not doing things the way you would. I doubt she “doesn’t understand the deal she’s missing out on.” Instead she has her own reasons for wanting to do things differently. The way you’re treating her — like she’s an incompetent child — is insulting, really.

    So again: Let her do things her way. If she makes a mistake, she’ll learn. If she asks for help, offer it then. Consider getting a dog if you have a deep desire to be needed.

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    May 24, 2022 at 12:06 pm #1109782

    I had $10K in savings when I moved out. I furnished a one-bedroom apartment with a mix of hand-me-downs (my dining table), shopping at IKEA, and shopping at thrift shops at garage sales for things I felt comfortable buying used. This is normal. Most 20-somethings aren’t out there shopping for luxury couches to furnish their first places. She’ll be FINE. And she’ll learn a lot in the process about things like budgeting, financing larger purchases, what she can/can’t afford, what she values new vs. used. Let her be.

    • This reply was modified 1 year, 4 months ago by Avatar photoCopa.
    May 24, 2022 at 12:10 pm #1109784

    Your daughter might be making a mistake by not buying your car from you. She might. BUT – it is her mistake to make and she is old enough to make her own choices. It’s difficult as a parent to sit back and watch our kids make a mistake that you can easily help them avoid but it’s also our job to let them fail (assuming not catastrophic consequences). If it ends up being a mistake, she will have to figure out how to fix it and will learn from it. That’s part of being an independent adult. Best thing about that situation would be getting to tell her “told ya so” (I’m kidding). You made very nice offers to her and she is forging her own path where many would just sit back and be lazy and take handouts – good for her! She sounds smart and independent.

    May 24, 2022 at 12:44 pm #1109785

    There haven’t been “claims” made against you, other than being stubborn and unwilling to accept that a 25-year old is an adult and deserves to make her own decisions. All of that is proven beyond doubt by your posts. You refuse to listen to her and obviously won’t be satisfied unless she does exactly what you want her to do. That definitely is over-controlling. She is trying to be independent. Perhaps she is trying overly hard to be independent, but a rebellion against your level of control is to be expected and is healthy, even if she possibly is harming her immediate self-interests. The need for independence apparently trumps those immediate self-interests. Likely, she is drawing a long over-due boundary line and declaring that she expects you to treat her as a strong, independent adult, who is capable of making her own decisions, but still loves you and will seek your help when she (not you) thinks she needs it.

    It is often hard for parents to let go and accept their former children as adults. You seem used to being a helicopter parent, which makes the transition harder.

    Just take a breath, step back, and view your former child as a fully-formed adult peer. That is the first step to forming an evolved mother-daughter relationship, which can benefit each of you for a lifetime.

    May 24, 2022 at 12:49 pm #1109786

    I’ll ask you this question: are your and your husband’s parents still alive? Do you still involve them in your major life decisions: buying a car, buying a house, changing jobs/careers, having a child? At what age did the two of you view yourselves as independent adults, willing to ask for help when you thought you needed it, but otherwise expecting to be trusted to handle things yourself? It truly seems unusual to expect that a 25-year old woman needs so much help in negotiating normal life decisions.

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Our daughter is refusing help and pushing us out of her car/apartment buying

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