Our daughter is refusing help and pushing us out of her car/apartment buying

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  • TacoTuesday
    May 24, 2022 at 5:46 pm #1109802

    Anonymoususer, can you explain the “mistake” you feel your daughter is making? I for the life of me can’t really see it, and this is a really key point, because once you see this, there is no basis for your insistence on financially helping her out.

    If she has the funds to pay for an 18 thousand dollar car AND save more after her purchase, there are no financial mistakes here! It’s actually very normal what she is doing…a 20-something paying for her own vehicle. Big whoop.

    I am also confused by your comments that you have already paid for half the car so she is not being independent. That’s actually a semi-controlling way of thinking and not even true. The act of contributing to her own vehicle is inherently an independent act, so she is being independent. I hope you do not hang this over her head? You do know once you sign the car over to her that it will be fully in her name so it is entirely hers, right?

    I’m understanding more why your daughter was/is considering the used car. While taking in your new car is the better choice, I can hear it all the way from an internet forum how if anything comes up you will hold the car over her head as a leverage point and a way to downplay her independence and adulthood choices. I can only imagine what you will do in real life.

    May 24, 2022 at 6:05 pm #1109803

    Right @tacotuesday. LW, yes, you already put money into this car so in a way you’re helping her out. But can’t that be said for any used car? Someone else put money towards a car and now they’re selling it. So by your calculations she might as well by new to be fully independent, right?

    Every single one of us is telling you to back off. A handful of strangers can see what you refuse to even consider. I get that it’s hard to hear. I get that you’re looking out for your daughter. She doesn’t want it. She’s trying desperately to set boundaries. You risk losing her by not letting her. Breath. Sit on it. Let go. Maybe you’re not controlling, but you’re certainly micromanaging your daughter and you’re doing the same here.

    And honestly, I don’t know any adult who needed their parents to help them find or approve of an apartment. Sure, they might want a second set of eyes if it’s the first time looking. Relax a little.

    May 24, 2022 at 6:30 pm #1109805

    “May I reiterate we have ALREADY PAID FOR HALF THE CAR IN LEASE PAYMENTS, in this instance she would not be independent here”

    Well, yes and no. The lease payments covered your use of the car during the lease period. It does not build equity in the car. At the end of the lease period you have two options: simply surrender the car to the leasing company or buy it from them for the $18K in the contract.

    Now, we are living in unusual times during which the price of used cars has seen considerable inflation, so the car is actually worth more than the contract price of $18K. So, by allowing your daughter to buy the car for the $18K, you are giving her a boost over what she would have to shell out to buy this car on the open market. Plus she has the added benefit of knowing the history of this car and how it was treated.

    So, this looks to me as if this is a win-win for both you and your daughter. Set your ego aside and let her assume the car for the $18K contract price, knowing in your heart that you saved her perhaps $5K, while allowing her ego and desire for independence to be salved by knowing she paid the full contract price, which you would have been charged had you decided to keep the car. Why do you insist upon rubbing her nose in what you see as her continued dependence upon your financial support and decision making for her? To me, and this is just one old guy’s view, to do this turns a gimmee win-win into a pathetic lose-lose. Why would you want that? It makes no sense to me.

    May 24, 2022 at 6:37 pm #1109806

    P.S. I remember my early/mid-20s well enough and those years in my friends’ lives well enough to tell you unequivocably: if you deny your adult children’s desire for independence, they will rebel, including in foolish, self-harming ways out of a profound need to assert their adulthood. Far worse than having to pay an $18K car purchase bill out of their savings. Trust me when I tell you that you will be two very lucky parents if you don’t encounter what will be far worse in your minds, if you continue to deny your daughter’s adulthood.

    This really isn’t a fight you should continue to wage.

    May 24, 2022 at 7:30 pm #1109808

    It’s highly probable she’s not taking the car you paid half for already just because you’re being such a huge pain in the ass and treating her like a child.

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    May 24, 2022 at 9:12 pm #1109810

    I had the same thought re: the car. How would it make her less independent to buy a used car from you vs. buying a used car elsewhere? That makes zero sense. In both circumstances, the original owner is paying for their use of the car first. Then she’d buy it and it’d be hers. Your logic implies that the cheaper price tag of a pre-owned vehicle somehow reflects the buyer’s independence rather than the fact that it’s no longer new.

    If you’re able to take a step back, maybe you can ask her if there’s anything you can do to help and actually listen to what she has to say. And then do that thing instead, even if that thing is sitting back.

    May 24, 2022 at 11:31 pm #1109811

    Oh my God, reading your posts, I feel absolutely smothered. Are you real or someone just having fun on the internet making up stories. You are so the typification of a helicopter parent it almost seems unreal.

    Your daughter is 25 and well past the age where she should be doing things on her own.

    My God, your job ended six years ago. Stand back and let your daughter control her life. Let her deny a “great deal” if she wants.

    May 25, 2022 at 7:05 am #1109832

    Your point and your perspective is very clear. And I think all of us really appreciate that you want to do this for your child. It’s a kind thing.

    BUT… and it’s a big-ass but

    Your child doesn’t want this. Her autonomy and independence is important to her. And that should be important to you. More important than anything else.

    Let her live her salad years and treat her things that she might not be able to afford. Take her to dinner, get her a gift card to HomeGoods, buy her a nice saucepan.

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    May 25, 2022 at 8:10 am #1109834

    For what it’s worth, I do a deep dive into the numbers every time my leases end. Did you know that if you buy out a lease, there could be sales tax? So you could be talking about another 2k. Just FYI, I don’t know your specifics, and that’s not really the issue here, is it.

    You aren’t helping her by letting her buy out the lease unless you consider that the other people who owned whatever used cars she’s considering also would be helping her. With a lease you never own the car and you don’t have any rights to it after your time is up. It’s like renting an apartment. An apartment isn’t more valuable to you and the payments don’t count for anything just because you lived there.

    Now say you think I’m completely wrong, don’t understand, the situation is different, you’re 100% right with the numbers and what you’re telling her.

    Even with that, is it worth harming your relationship with her, probably forever?

    May 25, 2022 at 11:49 am #1109837

    LW, you sound like my mom. Maybe your daughter wants an apartment she likes and feels at home in. Not on that you want for her. I just bought a car. It was a long process, but I got the car I wanted. Maybe your daughter doesn’t like the car you own. Maybe she wants a VW Beetle. It’s her life! These are big decisions that she has to live with, not you. Back off and let her make her own choices so that she is happy.

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    May 25, 2022 at 12:17 pm #1109838

    And for my third novel:

    I’ve been on the other side of it, where my father was absolutely convinced he was doing the right thing by insisting on something I really didn’t want. He was certain I’d regret it later, and went against my wishes. We talked about it multiple times, I was very very clear, and he was just certain I was wrong.

    What was this thing? I didn’t want a camera in my delivery room after I’d given birth. It made absolutely no sense to him, but I felt extremely strongly about it. I was clear to him how strongly I felt. He took pictures of me anyway because he “wouldn’t allow me to make a mistake I’d regret.”

    Over a decade later, our relationship still isn’t the same. We love each other, but I trust him much less, and I want to be around him less.

    May 25, 2022 at 1:04 pm #1109841

    Wow, Phoebe, what a breach of trust.

    I didn’t want anyone there but my husband and we took pictures of the baby, not my birth canal. I can’t even imagine what that felt like. I’m sorry.

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Our daughter is refusing help and pushing us out of her car/apartment buying

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