Our daughter is refusing help and pushing us out of her car/apartment buying

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    May 25, 2022 at 2:01 pm #1109842

    My parents were like this OP. I wasn’t allowed to get my license til right before I graduated hs. I only could go to a college close enough to commute to and live at home, because they were not going to fund my “lifestyle” and pay for room/board and it was cheaper to buy me a car and pay for my gas/insurance. (It was a good school, to be fair, and I had a choice of local colleges, but still.) My father freaked out when, at 22, I told them I wanted to move out of the house. I *could* have told them, no, I don’t want your financial help, I’ll go to community college and then transfer wherever I want on my own dime. But I was young and wanted to get in/out of school and this seemed the path of least resistance. Once I was on my own I made plenty of mistakes, and meanwhile my parents backed way off and we have a good relationship.

    My point is I guess… you have good intentions. I think we all agree on that. But you need to not push your daughter like this. Give your input, sure – I’m sure that’s hard not to do – but that’s it! Give her some space. She’s an adult. You can’t control the outcome but you can give advice and she can take it if she wants it. I feel like there’s a transition time in parent/child relationships where parents have to get used to their children being adults and not children, even though they’re still your child.

    May 25, 2022 at 2:35 pm #1109843

    I guess I’m not seeing why you are fighting with your daughter about helping her with THIS thing, the car, RIGHT NOW. Clearly, she has a good head on her shoulders and is doing great financially. Just let her buy the car! She has the money. She has a steady job. If you don’t currently need that $8k or however much, just put it aside. She may need support in the future- for a down payment on a house, to start a business, for a wedding, medical bills, to go back to school, pay for daycare or braces or sports camp. Hell, you could just keep the money for yourselves so you’re not a burden on her later! IF she needs your support at some point, like really needs it- you can offer. Right now she does not need (or want) your money.

    I’m also chuckling at how much you apparently think it costs to furnish a first apartment. Is she only shopping at Room & Board? I never moved home after college, I had no job, no car, and only $30 in my account after paying deposit and my share of the first month’s rent in a group house. Over time I accumulated enough furniture from Craigslist and various hand-me-downs. (I had some adventures doing it, too- I once brought a $5 dining chair home on the city bus!) Now I’m 42, have a child of my own, and a spouse, home, car, and furniture that it never even occurred to my mother to pick out for me, because she raised me right and trusts my judgment. I also have a healthy financial situation. If you are really worried about whether she can afford towels and dishes, you can give her a target gift card as a housewarming gift or something.

    May 25, 2022 at 4:24 pm #1109845

    I remember when my parents insisted I not buy a car with the money I had saved for that very purpose. That I should save that money for college and that *they* would buy the car.

    I said sure and they bought the car. They also then controlled the car. At times the access to said car was taken away from me.

    The difference I was 16 and it was appropriate for them to set those kinds of limits on me.

    But, you are treating your daughter like she’s still a teenager when she’s in her MID-twenties.

    She sounds like a financially literate adult woman. Let her run her own life. Do not force her to take your help. You gotta let go. Now is the time to form a new kind of relationship with her where you treat her like the competent adult that she is, let her run her own life, and only offer advice or help when specifically asked.

    Carol Hill
    June 12, 2022 at 9:39 am #1110308

    Wow, it is time to listen to the advice given. You are treading on your daughter’s autonomy. Time to back off. You sound very righteous. Not profitable in the long run. You sound like you want your daughter to listen to you because you think you are right. This will get you nowhere. Back off and allow your daughter to become an adult who makes decisions that she wants even if they are not the best. That is how we all learn. Though I’m not sure that you are learning how to listen to others. Why look for advice if you don’t want to listen to it and only tell others they are wrong?

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Our daughter is refusing help and pushing us out of her car/apartment buying

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