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Overbearing friend

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  • #964710 Reply
    Jane Doe

    I have a really good friend whom I am close with and I have no problem sharing secrets and being comfortable with, but when I’m around my family she acts different and it annoys me so so much. Around my mum especially, she buts into personal conversations that I’m having just because she was eavesdropping and completely takes the conversation away from me and my mother toward her and my mother. It is almost always about personal, family and relatives business to which she knows nothing about, knows nobody that we’re speaking about, or knows any backstory to what I was discussing with my mum, but she jumps in anyway. She gives her opinion (loudly) , disagrees with myself and my mother even though we’re the ones who know what we’re talking about, and tells us what to do with a situation she has absolutely no business in or knowledge of. I’m aware she has OCD and depression, she is also quite a confident and lively character, but she knows nothing of boundaries, what is her business, the rudeness of jumping into other people’s conversations or when to stop digging into the story. This absolutely enrages me, like I get so annoyed at her once she does this and I try to get her out of the conversation and bring it back to my mother and I, but she’ll always come back in even though we’re not talking to her. I’ve never said anything to her because ‘technically’ she’s just an interested friend, a chatter box and we are family friends so she isn’t a complete stranger to us, but this really affects me. I don’t know why but I feel like she’s trying to steal my mothers attention from me because I held the conversation initially and she wants in, and wants to be the one discussing with my mother. She has a very close relationship with her own mother (far closer than I am to my own mother even) and they are extremely affectionate and close, yet when it comes to my family members, she MUST get involved, either through questions, jokes or by forcing her way in to an ongoing conversation. How do I deal with this? Why does she do this? and doesn’t she notice at all how annoyed I get when she does this or how I try to block her from the conversation when I sense she’s taking over? At some point I stopped bringing her to hang at my house because I know exactly what’s going to happen and I will be mad and it will ruin my mood. Nobody hates her, she has no need to try this hard. I try not to push her away but I can’t keep this friend close to me forever if this is the behaviour I have to be around.

    #964712 Reply

    Well, why are you having these conversations about things she knows nothing about when she’s around? That in itself is kind of rude. If you have a friend over, you should be spending time with that friend and talking to that friend. They’re your guest. Conversation SHOULD be inclusive.

    Why don’t you just reduce the time that you’re hosting her at your house, and when she’s there, be considerate and include her in conversations. Save the private convos with your mom for when it’s just you and your mom.

    #964715 Reply

    TBH, I’m surprised she still wants to go to your house if this is how you treat her while she’s there. You sound like you’re not a very nice host. To answer why she does this, it’s because people like (and expect!) to be included in the conversation when they are invited to visis. You shouldn’t be having conversations about family or private business with your mom when you have a guest. It’s rude. Trying to get her out of the conversation — again, one that is private that you are choosing to have when someone is there with you instead of when you are your mom are alone — is also quite rude. The feeling you have that she’s trying to steal your mom’s attention probably roots from a separate insecurity, IMO — there’s really no reason to think that in this scenario.

    #964716 Reply

    Wait, so you invite your friend over and get pissed when she participates in a conversation when she’s there? I know I’m oversimplifying, but this is truly what you should expect when you invite people to your home. They get involved in conversations even if they don’t know the subjects. You will find most everyone has an opinion about things and people, even if they don’t actually know them. When you have a friend over, focus on your friend. When you invite a guest over, you should include them and expect them to converse with the people who are also there. That’s normal.

    #964720 Reply

    If you don’t like her interaction with your family, don’t have her at your place. It is as simple as that. Enjoy her conversation out of your family home, hang out with her. I don’t see the point of bringing friends at a family reunion – it must be boring for her as well.
    And try to get closer to your mum, if this is what makes you jealous in such a situation.

    #965042 Reply
    Andrea Letsen

    Nobody can ‘steal your mom from you’. If they are in fact able to do this, there was something fundamentally wrong in the relationship between you and your mother long before this friend was around.

    Your mom speaks to her because she recognises your friend is a guest and should be included in conversations. What your friend contributes may well be inappropriate, but it is no more inappropriate than you having these conversations about such personal matters in her presence and expecting her to sit there twiddling her thumbs when YOU invited her over!

    Maybe I’m misinterpreting what you’ve put, but you do come across as quite immature and petty. Like a child who won’t share their toys. Your mom is allowed to speak to your friends, be warm with them, even give them hugs. This shouldn’t build up jealousy in you. She is YOUR mother. If these things do make you jealous, then you should seek therapy to figure out why, and possibly look at the relationship between you and your mother to see if you can figure out why you feel so threatened by her engaging with one of your friends.

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