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Overreacting?

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  • #1030686 Reply
    avatarztyu1234
    Participant

    Would you allow your partner to take a 2 week break from you and the relationship with no communication between you two? I feel slighted, sad, angry, and hurt that they told me they want a break because they have alot going on in their lives. Well I do too, and I should be included. I’m not running away because my life is chaotic and shitty , I feel like they shouldn’t either. am I overreacting? Should i break up with them?

    #1030688 Reply
    avatarron
    Guest

    I suspect they’ve pretty much broken up with you. Your prior letter describes a troubled relationship which is going nowhere. I guess if you’re only able to dole out time in half hour or hour segments, they’re allowed to take a two week break. You never even said if these half-hour segments are in-person or on-line/phone. Relationships with no path forward tend to die, especially when their are disagreements about the acceptability of the current situation.

    #1030691 Reply
    avatargolfer.gal
    Guest

    Well, you don’t really get to “allow” or “not allow” other adults to make their own decisions. They’ve repeatedly told you the relationship isn’t working for them, and you need to assume this is a permanent breakup.

    You say you don’t think your partner should run away from your chaotic, shitty life and you feel slighted. But, again, that’s a decision they get to make for themselves. People aren’t obligated to accept whatever relationship crumbs their partner wants to throw at them just because that’s what their partner wants them to accept. And 30-60 minute max visits are crumbs indeed, that’s not even enough time to get a fast food meal together. And I’m not sure why you’re feeling slighted? That would imply your partner owed you something to begin with and took it away. No one owes anyone else a relationship. People are allowed to decide they want to date someone who is available and ready to build a life together. I know caretaking is really, really hard, and if that is literally your life 24/7 it’s no wonder you’re feeling slighted, missing out, and resentful. But you’re displacing those feelings onto your ex(es) instead of dealing with the problem. You need to talk to your mom’s medical team, elder care orgs and charities, government agencies, her insurance, and an elder care lawyer and get a lot more help for her in place for both your sakes.

    #1030692 Reply
    avatarKate
    Keymaster

    You have some interesting hot takes on how relationships work. Your partner should agree with you that a relationship is achievable even though you can only offer scraps of time with them and your life is chaotic. You get to “allow” or not allow them to take a break. You should be included in said break because you’re busy too.

    Look, they’re telling you they’re very unhappy with how things are. Your choices are to 1) figure out what you can do to make it better and then, after 2 weeks are up, lay it out for them and see if they want to give it a shot, or 2) respect that it’s not working for them, accept that there’s nothing you can do to improve the situation, and break up.

    But sitting there insisting they’re wrong and you’re right is a bad look, and really helps their case, not yours.

    #1030703 Reply
    avatarztyu1234
    Participant

    I am 40 years old and live with my mother who’s 89 that I am a caregiver for just about 24/7. She has high blood pressure, a pacemaker, prone to epileptic seizures, memory retention problems (due to epileptic seizures, which severed her median nerve some 2018), her equilibrium is off as well sometimes she walks with a cane, all together she is just slowing down due to age. My once extremely active mother is an unrecognizable shell of herself and I’m sure that she suffers from a deep depression because of it. Due to everything going on with her, she often lashes out at me and is verbally abusive at times (in which i don’t take it personally because it’s due to her depression geared towards her life changing drastically) I do the best i can to ensure the rest of her days are spent as comfortably as possible. i cook, i clean, i run errands, I manage finances, I help her often with filling out paperwork, basically I help her with whatever i can. Before entering my current relationship, we both had several conversations about what my life entailed, and he kept reassuring me that he understood and also wanted to become long term with me and he could see marriage in the future. He told me that he would be there for me and help me in any way that he could. That he didn’t mind and understood the responsibilities and challenges of being solely responsible for the well being of another as he is a father. We came to the conclusion that we would just do our best to incorporate and come to some peace about these things to have a hopefully prosperous relationship. We have been dating 6 months. We were seeing each other everyday for about an hour or two a day, but we would communicate via phone for most of the remaining day. Lately he seems to have developed a selfish or “entitlement” feeling/phase. I feel like he wishes that my mother wasn’t a factor so that we could marry and start a life together. he has been feeling slighted. Lately he’ll make insensitive marks and doesn’t honor or cherish the time we do spend together. It’s always wishing that he had more time with me. . Like right after we spend time together instead of the usual text saying he enjoyed our time together and can’t wait to see me again.. He’s been asking me how long is “this” going to continue? Bare in mind he has a small child that he takes care of on a bi-weekly basis in which during that time we don’t see each other, we just communicate via phone, and he often apologizes for the absence. i always assure him that there’s nothing to apologize for, and also not to ever apologize for being a father to his child. I feel as though if he wanted for us to spend more time together and grow more in our relationship, he could offer to come into my home and spend time with my mom and i, or help around the house . Even simple things like dishes, cleaning, washing clothes a little to help me. i could probably see if i could get outdoors and do the occasional activity with him every once in a while. I am also physically “impaired”. I have congential heart malformation with leaky heart valves, heart murmurs that often make me fatigued and the simplest tasks take a lot of energy from me. In the mist of everything else, i also care for my dog. I feel like a relationship as a caregiver is achievable, with the right partner. i feel like maybe he isn’t the right person to have something long term with. He’s already complaining lately about everything and it’s been 6 months.. Challenges, life circumstances and situations can easily arise at any point. I feel like he is a “bailer out” and a runner when things get difficult. this screams short term for me. Am I overreacting?? Am I wrong??

    #1030704 Reply
    avatarHazel
    Participant

    I think it is wonderful what you are doing for your mother, and I was wondering if it was the corona virus which prevented him from spending more time with you as you do your caring duties, but it seems that isn’t the case. It does sound like he knew exactly what he was getting into as you were very honest with him, but found that he just couldn’t handle the reality of it.Give him his couple of weeks to think about the reality, and see where you both stand after you have had time to reconsider.It’s a tough situation and he may just not be the right person.I realise that getting care respite just now is especially hard, but it might be worth you spending the fortnight considering ways to get even a little assistance in, for yourself most of all as you must be utterly exhausted.

    #1030705 Reply
    avatarCleopatra_30
    Participant

    he has every right to change his mind. You are in an extremely demanding scenario and it is understandable that this has challenged you in building romantic relationships. However, he has clearly decided this isn’t the right scenario, and instead of him just being open and up front with how he feels, he is instead making passive aggressive remarks. Regardless, give him the space he needs and be accepting that this may end.

    You can’t fight for something when the other person needs/wants something else.

    #1030706 Reply
    avatarCalypsoe192
    Participant

    Hey, scars are a problem that a derm can solve best for you. Theyll probably do a procedure of sorts, something like fractional laser or subcision. Its not very invasive but it does have a downtime of around 6 weeks. I know this because my mom had box scars and this is the treatment the dermatologist decided for her. You might also need to maintain a diet where the body helps you make collagen. Theres this youtube video that Dr Dray uploaded a week ago, itll help for advice in healing: https://youtu.be/w_Dq1cW60AM.
    You may then also take collagen supplements if you want to speed up the recovery process https://www.vitaminexpress.org/uk/collagen-supplements. In conclusion, the only treatment for scars is getting a procedure from your derm, but its nothing to worry too much about.

    #1030713 Reply
    avatarFYI
    Guest

    I think that last post is in the wrong thread.

    Something is just not adding up, sorry. “Before entering my current relationship, we both had several conversations … and he kept reassuring me that … he could see marriage in the future.” Before you even STARTED a relationship!? That’s not really how it works. You can’t procure guarantees before starting a relationship. He is “allowed” to do whatever he wants.

    It’s not clear whether y’all have a sexual relationship (during the one hour?) or whether you work. I’d also be curious to know how long you have been her caretaker. If you are martyring yourself to be her sole source of care — not enlisting elder care or family members for help — then something is off. It isn’t healthy to turn “caretaker” into your identity.

    It just doesn’t sound like you’re willing to move even the slightest bit out of your comfort zone. You want him to accommodate your schedule entirely — which it sounds like he’s done for six months! even for the dog! — but he has needs too. You laid out your rules as if he is supposed to just comply and not have any wants of his own.

    I find it perfectly understandable that he’d like to go on a real date, or even a weekend, somewhere (covid safe). Instead, you think he should help do laundry. Can you meet him halfway by enlisting family or nursing care sometimes?

    #1031175 Reply
    avatarLisforLeslie
    Guest

    Came here to make the same point as @FYI – how did this guy put marriage on the table before you started dating? Have you known one another a long time?

    While I agree with everyone that he has a right to change his mind; I’m also wondering if he’s done anything to help you. It sounds very much like a love-bombing that he just couldn’t turn into undying adoration on your part.

    Also, if you are in the US please please please look into services that are available to your mother through medicare. She likely qualifies for some at home care, occupational therapy or physical therapy. Any of which would give you a small break and help your mom a bit as well.

    #1031178 Reply
    avatarron
    Guest

    From the way LW phrased it, sounds like she pushed him in advance of start of ‘relationship’ to commit that he could see marriage in the future. That fits with the rest of her story. Also fits with past ‘relationships’ fizzling out. She seems to expect and push hard for more than is there, relationship-wise.

    Also note that between OP and updates, in response to pushbacks, her story has changed from she can only be available a half hour to an hour a day for relationship, to now she sees him 1 to 2 hours a day and communicates incessantly throughout day. Very different.

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