This topic contains 15 replies, has 5 voices, and was last updated by csp 5 days, 3 hours ago.
December 6, 2018 at 1:58 pm #811139
Okay, so a little bit of background on this first. My parents have never liked whoever I dated. Last year (when I was 18), I dated this one guy for about 8 months and my mom would frequently call me at school crying and telling me to break up with him. She would threaten me that she would kick me out of the house if I didn’t. I would ask what she didn’t like about him and she would always just say, “I don’t like him. You can do better.” I, against my better judgement, caved in and broke up with him to make my mom happy. My dad, at the time, apparently had no clue I was dating this guy because my mom never told him because she “didn’t want to upset him.”
Now this year (I’m 19) and I have been dating a new guy for the past 6 months. He makes me extremely happy and I love spending time with him. He makes me laugh when I’m down and he makes me smile like no one ever has before. He’s the sweetest and will go out of his way to do things for me that he knows will make me smile, he’ll randomly buy me a crap load of chocolate when I’m feeling sad, he is truly all around a fantastic guy who just wants to make me happy. Well guess what? My parents don’t like him.
If I ever go out with him for dinner and a movie, I come home and my parents are mad at me and refuse to talk to me because I went out with him. If he comes over, they refuse to speak to him. If he visits me at school (he’s from my hometown and I go away for college) and my parents know about it, they freak out and get mad. They say I’m being “trashy” by being with him because we have sex. My mom has basically called me a whore before because I have sex with my boyfriend. They say that he’s only with me because I “put out.” Yes, we have sex but that’s not the basis of our relationship by any means, the sex is just a bonus.
He came to our house for Thanksgiving with my family and when we played some games with my family, he mispronounced a word on a card and now they label him as “stupid” and are saying that I could do better. I have asked them multiple times why they don’t like him and they just tell me that I could do better and that he doesn’t live up to my standards and that he doesn’t meet all the requirements on my “list.” (I used to have a list of things I wanted in a future husband when I was 12 years old, that’s what they’re referring to). My boyfriend has frequently been the topic of many arguments in my house, and I’m sick of it. My dad has even gone as far as to give me ultimatums like “It’s him or us” or “If you don’t break up with him we’ll take your car away and stop co-signing you school loans.” They’re even mad that I’m buying him Christmas gifts! I’m so sick of this situation. I’m not asking them to like him, I just want them to be civil and not be angry at me because I’m doing normal life things with my boyfriend.
I feel like they are blowing this way out of proportion, and it should only matter that I’m happy. Any advice as to how to handle this, especially since Christmas is coming up and I have to deal with them for a month?December 6, 2018 at 2:34 pm #811140
Don’t tell your parents who and when you are dating. Move out as soon as you are financially able, which isn’t now, I suspect. I think it is not a matter of whom you date but that your parents just don’t want you to date anybody.December 6, 2018 at 2:46 pm #811141
I mean why the hell would they know you have sex with him. If you don’t like the reaction, which is understandable, stop sharing the damn information. This is a common sense solution. As long as they are financing your life you need to play their game. I suggest you do so also as student loans will not be worth a guy you likely won’t be with by the time graduate.December 6, 2018 at 2:54 pm #811143
I can’t reply directly but to anyone who is wondering – I have never told them I’m having sex with him. They just assume that we are since he comes to visit me which they then use against me. Just to clarify.December 6, 2018 at 3:12 pm #811147
If you think long and hard about this can you figure out WHY your parents are behaving this way?
For example, would they hate ANY guy you were dating because they expect you to focus on your studies only while they fund your schooling? Did they raise to you believe sex is immoral? (Your mom calling you a whore is abusive and I’m sorry, btw. Please don’t internalize that message. It’s cruel and not true.)
Or are your parents just toxic people? Do your ex and your boyfriend have a particular characteristic they dislike- like their socio-economic background, religion, or race? (all of those reasons are messed up btw)
Get to the bottom of it and look at the situation objectively: Can you put up with their rules for the next two years while you finish school or do you need to extricate yourself from their grip and support yourself financially? You need to take a hard and level look at what that would mean for you. I was on my own when I was younger than you (not by choice) and it totally sucked, although it did make me tough and independent in the long run. Look at it from a practical angle, and make your decision from there.
And again, I’m sorry your parents treat you this way. It’s wrong and you’re not crazy for feeling like it’s unreasonable.December 6, 2018 at 3:41 pm #811152
This whole reaction from your mom especially is just so wrong. I really do not think it matters whether she is living at home, the reasons her parents and mom are giving, as per her notes, are completely hysterical. Calling her trashy, telling her she can do better, that he doesn’t meet her list of criteria, threatening to take themselves off loans etc cause she is dating a guy? I mean this has happened on two instances now and both times their reasons were just as ridiculous. It seems the parents are worried about her daughter losing focus on their relationship and trying to be controlling of her and her life.
I am trying to understand though your living situation…you say you are away at college, so I assume away from your home, so are you indeed living on campus? Or are you living at home and commuting to school?
Regardless, I think if you aren’t already moved out it is time to leave. You are 19, an adult, and your parents are being entirely unrealistic. The guy you are dating seems to be making you happy and no negative connotations are made about him from you. Further, if you are indeed living away from home and only home for the summer and vacations, I suggest telling your parents less about your dating life. They have no right to start controlling who you date and what you do, you are an adult. Unless your parents have some legit reason to be so hysterical that you aren’t telling us (ie sacrificing school time for time with your BF). They seem nuts and have little boundaries between one another.December 6, 2018 at 3:49 pm #811154
Thank you guys for responding! I really don’t think that my parents have any reasons to be hysterical. I am away from home, I live on campus at school. My BF comes down to visit me every once in awhile. I don’t sacrifice any school time for him. My grades are very important to me and he knows that and is very understanding when it comes to my busy schedule and knows that I need time to study. I try to keep my personal life as personal as possible but my parents always find ways to make me feel guilty about keeping things from them. Your responses have definitely made me seriously think about finding ways to be more financially responsible for myself and move out ASAP. Even if I’m not with this guy at graduation (as per a previous comment) I still don’t think this is a right way to treat me.December 6, 2018 at 3:54 pm #811155
It’s not right and supporting yourself is great but if I had the choice I’d suck it up a little longer. A car, if you could get one, tuition, housing, etc it really will be so hard. I’d just lie. Plus actual work is just lying anyway. Lying about wanting to not smack Tina from HR, being bright and awake, ha.December 6, 2018 at 4:03 pm #811158
Your mom absolutely crossed a huge line calling you that. My mother said something very similar to me at about your age, and it irrevocably changed our relationship. Some things you just can’t take back, and an apology (if your mom even offered one) won’t make it better.
It’s your choice to decide whether you can live with them involved in your life the next few years until you are done with school.
I would stop them the next time they say choose him or us, and ask if that’s what they really would do- “Dad you’d really disown me and cut me off because of the man I am dating?” And just shake your head and walk away.
Your mom and her horrible comment…I’m so sorry. She should never have said that to you.
There are counselors at your school, provided to you as part of your tuition. They are confidential and absolutely worth meeting with a few times to help you think about these issues with an outside person.December 6, 2018 at 4:19 pm #811161
I’m sorry you’re going through this. I am assuming that they are reacting this way for a couple of reasons including not being comfortable that you’re growing up/becoming independent, that you might get pregnant which would impact your future but neither of those are good enough reasons to call you names, insult you, talk down to you, be judgmental jerks to your friends.
If you think they’d actually try this tactic (and you know better than all of us) then start investigating into a back up plan. Are they paying for school? Start investigating in scholarships or financial aid. See about paid internships. Just to have in your back pocket. Don’t mention it to your parents.
If they threaten you again – @anonymousse gives a good response. I’d include something along the lines of all the things they’d miss in your future and that you’ll always love them but you need to live your life on your terms and that they raised you to think for yourself, be good to yourself and be good to other people. Real good guilt.
The truth is, financially they may have a bit of the upper hand. However emotionally, you do. Remind them of all the things they’ll miss if they exit your life: College Graduation, your first job, your marriage, children (perhaps – no presh).December 6, 2018 at 4:20 pm #811162
I agree, @cleopatra_30. It’s just that having lived on my own from a very young age, I hesitate to tell a young person to take the same path without seriously considering how difficult it will be both financially and emotionally. I’d advise her to stay if she thinks she can tough it out (but only if the pros outweigh the cons). She’s at college most of the time anyway. She could even take a job away from home on her breaks to limit her exposure to them. I spent a few summers working at a sleep away camp for blind children on the other side of the country during college, for example.
That said, her parents sound like real pieces of work and it does sound like they will make her life hard no matter what she decides. Lilly, if you DO decide to move out, I’d do it below the radar until you are pretty much out entirely to limit how much they can throw roadblocks up and otherwise manipulate you into doing what they want.December 6, 2018 at 4:35 pm #811166
One more thought -where you are right now and this issue with your parents is VERY normal. I don’t mean to diminish it, and your parents are behaving abysmally, but they’re trying to assert more authority because you’re on the other side asserting your independence. You’re separating from one another. Typically the kid is finding fault with the parents and the parents feel side swiped. It’s easier to separate from people you love when you get angry or find fault. Here it’s the reverse (but not uncommon).
The last time you caved to the pressure, they got what they wanted. So they probably think they can wear you down again. Be prepared.