Parent’s & SO parent’s

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  • Hannah
    November 9, 2023 at 2:31 pm #1126578

    I’ve been with my boyfriend for 2.5 years now. My parents are local (about 45 mins away), his are not. His mother is coming to town for her birthday along with the rest of his family – father and siblings. Our families have met each other only one time before and my parents (mother) are really pressuring me to make sure they are included in the birthday weekend. I feel anxious because it is not my weekend to plan and I don’t feel comfortable. When I asked my bf he had mentioned that maybe we do dinners with just his family since they don’t know each other well, and then my parents can stop by and hang out at some point during the weekend. However, this has not been talked about since. I don’t know what to do because my mom is very much in my ear about it, but I feel bad and uncomfortable asking because I don’t want to intrude on the birthday weekend or hijack plans, but my mother really wants me to get them included. Should I do this? Would it be wrong or weird if my bf’s family came for the weekend and never got together with my family? Is my mother in the wrong for pressuring me to include her/my father or is my boyfriend in the wrong for being a little apprehensive (seemingly) about including them?

    November 9, 2023 at 5:06 pm #1126580

    Yeah that is odd. Did your mother say why she’s so hell bent on being included? Essentially you aren’t the event host so it’s not for you to invite people.

    This is a really great opportunity for you to work on strengthening your backbone with your mother. Of course you can confirm if the home visit is OK but if your boyfriend and his family get to determine the guest list. If you’re together for the long haul there will be other opportunities to meet. If not, I’ve been with my husband for 12 years and I think our parents have met at most three times. It hasn’t been a problem.

    November 10, 2023 at 7:57 am #1126581

    It would be normal to have your parents join you for a meal while your bf’s parents are in town. Depending on the overall schedule you have 3 meal options – Saturday lunch, Saturday dinner, Sunday Brunch. Sit down with your boyfriend and request that your parents be invited to ONE of those three options. That’s it. This is NOT your parents’ weekend, it is his weekend with his family.

    Do not invite your parents over to “hang out”. Is your mom normally demanding of your time and attention? If so, this is a good opportunity to set some boundaries with your mom. Do you think she’s worried that his parents are going to convince you to move closer to them, taking you away?

    November 10, 2023 at 2:56 pm #1126588

    What do you want? What do you actually want in this scenario? A script for the bf? One for the mom?

    Do you even want to have a communal dinner?

    How old are you?

    Your boyfriend told you it’s uncomfortable for his family because they don’t know yours well. Some people don’t want to get to know their son’s girlfriend’s family when they’ve planned a vacation to their son’s town and your parents don’t even live there.
    He told you it would be uncomfortable for them, and that maybe they can stop by another time instead.
    How is that unclear? Why are you afraid to speak to him more about it?

    I think this is weird and that your mother is pushy and overbearing. But you have let her be this way in your life. You’re in knots trying to figure out what to do without offending anyone. That’s the depth of people pleasing you’re doing. You’ll have to figure out what you want and do it.

    She hasn’t been invited. To me, that’s the end of it. They are aware your parents exist, and live 45+ minutes away. I doubt your anxiety has escaped your bf’s notice unless you keep parts of yourself very hidden.

    Why are you so afraid to bring this up with him again and get a definitive answer of whether your parents can be included or not?

    Why are you so afraid to tell your mom, sorry but Jeff hasn’t mentioned a big all-family dinner, or even, they just want a family thing this time?

    Work on your boundaries, your confidence. Are you more scared of offending your mother or asking your bf?

    November 10, 2023 at 2:59 pm #1126589

    To be clear, I don’t think it’s weird for them to come to town and not invite your parents, who they do not know, to hang out with them within their limited time. It’s doesn’t sound like just mom and dad coming, it’s a family vacation.

    If your parents actually were local to the area, they could offer to host.

    November 10, 2023 at 3:00 pm #1126590

    You gotta stop with this who’s in the right and wrong, thing. Everyone is just out there trying their best, we assume. How long have you let your mom push you around?

    November 11, 2023 at 10:35 am #1126594

    Your mother is being rude in this situation. She is in the wrong, and you shouldn’t push her unreasonable agenda here. Explain to her that it’s not polite to ask for an invitation to someone’s birthday party. Your boyfriend’s family may do things differently than yours, and that’s their prerogative. His mom can choose who to invite to things. You’re not going to push for an invitation any more than you already have. You’ll make plans to have them over another weekend.

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    November 11, 2023 at 10:37 am #1126595

    I think your mom’s persistence is very odd… she should be able to handle not being included in her kid’s boyfriend’s mother’s birthday dinner/weekend plans. Have you asked her why she is so invested in this? It’s neither weird nor wrong for his family to come into town without having some kind of get together that includes both families. You’re not obligated to invite them to hang out at any point during the weekend.

    I also don’t think it’s weird at all for both families to get together for a meal even though they don’t know each other well — that’s how they’d gradually get to know one another, if that’s important — but since both you and your boyfriend are uncomfortable with inviting your parents to join this specific weekend, don’t do it. I’ve been with my bf for over five years and our families have barely interacted. My dad and sister have met his mom, stepdad, and bro/bro’s family exactly once.

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    November 11, 2023 at 6:37 pm #1126598

    I agree it’s weird that your mom is being so persistent. I also agree they she needn’t be included in “the” birthday dinner? But it’s a whole birthday weekend? Does your mom just want to be included for a little bit, but not the whole weekend? I’m reading between the lines here.

    Your bf wants do just dinners wish his fam but he’s ok with your parents “hanging out”? I think that’s more awkward though I guess they could do a short visit for afternoon tea or something. I also think 45 min away is local enough depending on your area.

    Maybe you could broach it as mentioned above like your parents as locals want to invite his parents for lunch? All depending on their schedule.

    I totally get it’s awkward with in laws. I’m not clear if your bf even brought it up with his parents. I understand maybe he doesn’t want to do a dinner with everyone but as he suggested something short so people can start to know each other. So bring it up again and follow up on the “hanging out”. And then tell your mom what your decision is.

    November 12, 2023 at 11:12 am #1126600

    Is this the birthday weekend? Update us, please.

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