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Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Partner and soccer mom

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  • #1102488 Reply
    randaS
    Guest

    Context- my partner takes our son to soccer practice on the weekends.

    I have recently become concerned that he’s interested in one of the other kids’ mother.
    He is also good friends with the same kid’s dad (her husband).

    Their son had a birthday party recently and my partner took our son. whilst my partner was checking in (via text) to see how I was, he said that the other kids’ parents had dropped off the kids and left, leaving only my partner and the other kid’s parents. He said that he was sitting at the table with this kid’s mom while the kids played. The dad had gone to run an errand. Initially I didn’t have any kind of negative thoughts about this, but the more I think about it the more it bothers me.
    I know that she texted my partner recently with the party invite for our son (I don’t go to the games so can see why she would send to partner not me) – but also why her? Why wouldn’t the dad make contact with my partner instead of the mom.

    I admit I have looked at the messages between my partner and her (please don’t judge me – I recently had a baby and have been feeling somewhat insecure, boring and undesirable).
    The messages are innocent, only a handful of messages regarding soccer games and the birthday party. However he messaged her to let her know that our baby had arrived safely as she said the whole soccer team had been thinking of us. I don’t know why but I didn’t like that he messaged her and told her this.

    I am unsure as to whether I am being unreasonable, insecure, petty, jealous etc. or whether I have grounds to be upset?

    I haven’t confronted my partner and don’t believe he is hiding anything but am I then being naive??

    #1102489 Reply
    Kate
    Keymaster

    I mean, based on what you’ve told us, he hasn’t done anything wrong and has been honest and open with you (texting you to give you an accurate update on where he was and with whom, like I don’t see him texting that if he was up to anything with this woman), but it sounds like maybe you’re feeling like this behavior is different enough from his baseline, and also that you’re feeling disconnected from him, to the point that it’s making you hear alarm bells. So I would recommend addressing this from a place of wanting to feel more connected to each other.

    #1102493 Reply
    LisforLeslie
    Guest

    In many hetero households, the wife is in charge of all social interactions including planning parties for the kids. Since in your case, your husband is currently the contact through soccer it makes sense that she would reach out to him to make arrangements. She issues invites and tracks responses.

    At this point, neither person has stepped outside of line. I think your insecurities are kicking off your imagination. Have your husband add you to the text as a group chat as the owner of the family’s social schedule or at least as an involved parent who shares responsibilities for the social schedule. At least one parent has to go buy a gift and wrap it.

    Also, I hope you give your partner a little credit for not chasing after the wife of a good-friend. Unless that’s something you suspect he’s capable of – then you may want to look into couples counseling.

    #1102494 Reply
    ktfran
    Participant

    I personally thing you’re overreacting / being a little insecure. It’s understandable, you just had a baby! Don’t let those feelings control you. Everything you describe sounds perfectly normal.

    If you need a little extra care and attention right now, tell your husband. I wouldn’t center the convo around this other woman, because truly, I don’t think that’s the problem. It’s a red herring and something easy for you to focus on. This is the true problem “I recently had a baby and have been feeling somewhat insecure, boring and undesirable.”

    Maybe there’s some postpartum going on? IDK.

    #1102495 Reply
    randaS
    Guest

    I suppose because I know that he doesn’t talk to other women apart from family or occasionally for work, i think I feel a bit threatened by something that is probably innocent but I’m not used to him communicating unnecessarily (in my eyes) with other women. I understand how that sounds, but I’m just being honest

    #1102496 Reply
    randaS
    Guest

    @LisforLeslie

    Thanks for your response.

    There is already a group chat which consists of all of the soccer parents to read updates and news about events etc. which is another reason I’m unsure as to why my partner and this woman are messaging eachother directly.

    I wouldn’t ask to be added to the group chat I’d feel very embarrassed to do this, and I think it would scream jealousy to my partner when potentially he is not doing something wrong. I don’t know, it’s a tough situation.

    #1102502 Reply
    Kate
    Keymaster

    Could you see them being friends?

    #1102503 Reply
    Dear Wendy
    Keymaster

    Yes, you are being unreasonable. There is nothing to “confront” your partner about here. He takes your son to soccer practice, he takes him to birthday parties, he helps manage your kid’s social life while also keeping you in the loop and checking on you while he’s away doing kid stuff with your kid. He’s done the opposite of wrongdoing. You should thank him for taking the tedious chore of managing your kid’s extracurricular activities (well, at least the soccer) and some of his social life off your plate while you are adjusting to newborn life again.

    I’ll say it again: you’re being unreasonable in your expectation that your husband not communicate with a parent of the opposite sex. You’re being unreasonable to expect that only dads reach out to other dads and never a mom acting as point of contact for a dad she’s not married to. It’s weird, irrational, and immature to hold these expectations, and I suspect you know that on some level or you wouldn’t have written in. I hope that you will consider that the extreme hormone fluctuation that you’re experiencing having just given birth may be affecting your judgment and your emotions, and that your anger here is more about the lack of control you might be feeling as a mom of a newborn and not really about your husband who’s just taking care of his son and being a friendly soccer dad.

    If I’m wrong and this isn’t atypical behavior on your part – if you have a history of irrational jealousy and super outdated gender expectations, then that’s definitely worth exploring with a therapist because left unchecked, it *will* affect your relationship and your family dynamics sooner rather than later. If, however, these feelings are new, you can chalk them up to hormones and lack of sleep and cut yourself some slack. You could even let your husband know how you’re feeling – not in a way that puts him on the defense, but kind of like: “I feel like I might be kind of losing it a little. I actually felt jealous that you texted Soccer Mom about our baby’s birth and hung out with her at her kid’s birthday party.” That would give him a chance to reassure you of his commitment to you, and it would give him a head’s up that you’re understandably feeling more sensitive than usual right now and may need extra care and consideration.

    This period that you’re in can be a hard adjustment. To go from one kid to two is no joke. It’s mentally and physically exhausting, and it’s no wonder a mom would feel less desirable than normal. Talking about these feelings with your partner can be a big antidote to the issues and can invite a deeper connection as you both work through adjusting to this new stage in your life together. And this stage will pass. You won’t always be a hormonal mom of a newborn and young child. As your kids grow and the demands on your body and your time ease, so, too, should the intensity of emotions you’re currently feeling. So, go easy on yourself. But go easy on your partner, too. He sounds like a loving and attentive co-parent your family is lucky to have.

    #1102504 Reply
    randaS
    Guest

    @Kate

    I guess I can, because they obviously see eachother every weekend, our sons play for the same team so there’s always that common ground.

    I must add the responses from my partner to her texts are not much more than “thank you” or “thanks for the invite he will be there” – aside from the message he sent her regarding our baby, she said she hopes I am ok, and he responded to say I was fine, which I wasn’t. Maybe it was too personal for him to go into details.

    I think I’m afraid that him having a mere friendship with this woman will turn into something else. I don’t like soccer. She obviously does. And that is one of my partner’s passions in life.

    #1102505 Reply
    Kate
    Keymaster

    Yeah, I mean without knowing more, I think this sounds totally acceptable and you’re not being reasonable. Wendy had good advice.

    My husband has a lot of female friends. He works in the field of a competitive sport where there are male and female athletes, and obviously for a lot of these people, it’s their passion. It’s definitely not mine! I am totally okay with that.

    #1102507 Reply
    ktfran
    Participant

    Everything @Wendy said.

    #1102513 Reply
    Helen
    Guest

    I take my son to scouts every week. Mostly dads there with their kids. I’ve texted several dad to discuss campouts and birthday parties. It makes no sense for me to reach out to the moms I barely know. I’ve never stopped to wonder if a wife considers it inappropriate. When my husband did soccer with my son other soccer moms would reach out to him. What you’re describing sounds perfectly normal to me. Feeling down and frumpy after giving birth also sounds normal. I wasn’t myself for the first 6 months following the births of all my children.

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