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Partner asks for space few reasons including adult daughters

Home Forums Advice & Chat Partner asks for space few reasons including adult daughters

  • This topic has 23 replies, 3 voices, and was last updated 2 weeks ago by Anonymousse.
Viewing 12 posts - 1 through 12 (of 24 total)
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  • #1116041 Reply
    Tracey39
    Participant

    Hi again everyone. I have posted here before on the subject of my partner not introducing me to his adult daughters. Fast forward this happens: The relationship has been lasting for 9 months. He asked for space but said dont take it the wrong way. Relationship going good. We love each other and we have had many emotional connections / conversations .i met many of his mates apart from his adult daughters. He has no other family apart from mother of his kids the ex . He still support this ex financially which ultimately he can afford to do and it’s up to him. They do family events together like graduation Xmas etc and I think that is civil for the sake of the kids. I have heard from him and his mates that his ex is a nasty piece of work. It’s a weird situation. Due to coincidence one of his daughters found out about the relationship as she works in a boutique and had small friendly chat with a client who happened to be my work college. He got extremely angry that his daughter found out this way but I guess sooner or later it was bound to happen. I did ask him many months ago why he is resistant in introducing me to his daughters and he said he had a bad experience in a relationship where that woman back then was very disrespectful. I said I understand and respected his wish. I would probably have Brought this up at our 1 year Anniversary period. I must also mention my partner recently lost a good friend die to heart attack another friend has cancer and potentially not long to live and my partner also has health problems for the last year since covid jab I understand its all becoming too much. Some guidaance as how much time he may need. What is fair? Couple of weeks? Surely he can’t expect me to wait forever. The advise you read is not to reach out. His attachment style is definitely avoidant dismissive. I think 3 weeks would be a fair amount of time. What are your thoughts? Ultimately if he comes back I will voice some of my feelings and I have some unanswered questions. Thanks for reading.

    #1116042 Reply
    Kate
    Keymaster

    This doesn’t sound like a coincidence:

    “one of his daughters found out about the relationship as she works in a boutique and had small friendly chat with a client who happened to be my work college.”

    How do you go from popping into a shop to look at dresses, to realizing the sales associate is the daughter of your co-worker’s boyfriend (which the sales associate herself does not know), and blowing up her dad’s spot? That sounds planned to me, and your partner seems to think so too.

    Look, something is going on here with him being so, so adamant that you not meet his kids. When one kid “coincidentally” found out he had a girlfriend, look at his reaction. He got extremely angry and broke things off with you. He didn’t say,” oh, you know what, she knows about you, I guess that’s cool, I’ll set up a dinner where you can meet my daughters.” This man isn’t really available for a relationship with you.

    Friends sick and dying? I get it. Several friends of my husband have passed on in the past few years. His father as well. In a happy healthy relationship those things don’t make someone withdraw from you and go on a break.

    This sounds like a breakup. How much time did he ask for? A week to think? Or indefinite? Sounds like indefinite if you’re wondering how many weeks have to go by before you can contact him. He asked for the break, if you’re not hearing from him at all, that means he’s good with the break. I would say after 2 weeks of not hearing from him you could reach out and let him know you miss him and ask where his head is at. But I think this is it.

    #1116043 Reply
    Tracey39
    Guest

    I should have explained better that my partner is a client at my work and my work colleague went into the clothe shop and the conversation got to the line of work we are in. His daughters may have had a hunch perhaps he was dating someone. Young adults are not stupid these days especially women. They can put puzzle pieces together. I would be shocked if this man turns out to be the exact opposite but I guess this happens all the time. He always followed thru in everything else in our relationship. This is mentally the hardest thing I have ever done after dating a player then a person with severe bipolar Illness and now this man who has chased me for almost 3 years before we got together… I will see how his integrity holds up and everything else we shared. In the meantime I will try and look after myself.

    #1116044 Reply
    Kate
    Keymaster

    That still doesn’t sound coincidental, and if it was purely a coincidence then your partner getting extremely angry at you seems very unreasonable. It sounds like either he doesn’t believe it was a coincidence or was looking for a reason to break up.

    It sounds like on some level you are attracted to men who are difficult and emotionally unavailable. Why?

    #1116045 Reply
    Kate
    Keymaster

    Also curious why he had to chase you for 3 years? Was he still married? Do you know beyond a shadow of a doubt that he’s not still living with his wife? Do you regularly spend nights at his place?

    #1116046 Reply
    Kate
    Keymaster

    And continuing to support a woman financially who was never his wife, if that’s the case, and who he doesn’t even like, and whose kids are grown and working, sounds sus.

    #1116047 Reply
    Anonymousse
    Guest

    You really should look into therapy. I say this because you have a history of dating men who are unavailable for a relationship with you. I bet this guy is still married or more than just supporting his ex, if he got that angry and broke up with you when his daughter found out.

    When you’re introduced to friends but not the family, I think you’re probably the side piece, the mistress, not the primary partner and that retry much explains it all.

    The question I have for you is why do you accept so little from a partner? Why do you keep dating him, when you felt something was off from the start with him not introducing you to his family. You should get into therapy during this break and actually focus on yourself. Instead of puzzling over his actions and wondering when he’ll come back.

    #1116048 Reply
    PurpleStar
    Guest

    I am sorry, but you need to nope out of this relationship. The *adult* child’s “accidental” discovery of you sounds contrived. His refusal to even tell his children that he is dating was a madly waving red flag from the beginning.

    You are not a priority to the man. Sadly, you never will be.

    #1116050 Reply
    ron
    Guest

    You need to take his demand for ‘space’ as at least a ‘break’, if not a break-up. Don’t sit and mope. Engage in your normal and new activities. Treat this guy as gone and be open to dating others. You may find someone who is actually emotionally available, which this guy isn’t. It would not be extreme to treat this as relationship over and MOA. It likely is relationship over. This guy keeps hauling out more and more baggage as an excuse. He either relies upon you as help through tough times and hope for a better future, or he clings to others and memories for comfort. That he is pulling away from you, rather than seeking strength and support from you says a lot about where his mind really is and his priorities. It’s easy for him to say this doesn’t reflect negatively on your relationship and that he still loves you — this is a way of keeping you as a backup plan.

    #1116051 Reply
    Tracey39
    Participant

    He chases me for 3 years as I was in relationships and he wasn’t married hasn’t been with his ex for 12 years and I know he is lying. I have spend most weekends at his apartment. I have my stuff at his place. He doesn’t live with the ex. Yea I still feel like a mistress in the sense. Of course it always has been annoying the situation with hi daughters as this is the only red flag. I am surprised a little that only one comments to give him space and go on with my life which I am doing. When you read about “giving men space” of course it can mean a few different things. This man is very old fashioned always opens doors for you let’s you in and out of elevator shields you on the side of the road. He is definitely also an alpha male. I didn’t give in to him for 3 years firstly because I was involved at times with other men and I was happier to have him as a friend. He would be my first friend to wish me a merry Xmas or happy new year at 12:10 am or a happy Easter. Well I thank you all for your comments. Will see what happens.

    #1116052 Reply
    Tracey39
    Participant

    Sorry I meant to say he is not lying about the ex.

    #1116053 Reply
    Anonymousse
    Guest

    So, even though your wrote in months ago about being unhappy, and you’re still unhappy and actually broken up right now, but you ate going to wait and see? Why? Why make this guy a priority in your life, when you are just an option he literally just said “no thanks” to?

    He doesn’t want to bring you into his life, the daughters are an excuse most likely but I guess keep on wondering. I’m sure it’s exciting and romantic to think he chased you for three years but if what he gives you now is any indication, he probably didn’t have to do too much chasing.

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