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Dear Wendy

Partner doesnt want to have sex, says its because of stress but still loves me?

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  • #858627 Reply
    avatarseshen9871
    Member

    Hi, I really need advice right now otherwise I think I will go crazy. So basically We’ve been toghether for four months exactly. At the first it was like he couldnt get enough of me, he would want to do it everywhere and at any place. He would want to spend a lot of time with me and was very lively and energetic. After two months it all started to change to the point where he cut it all off suddenly without any explanation at the time which in turn made very agitated and annoyed. He gave me too much in the first months and after there was basically like 7% of what he gave me before. After a while he started getting angry at the littlest things and we were very fed up with each others bullcrap. Now I must add that he is really busy with work and has some issues in his life that he is trying to sort out and I am very aware about these and I understand that he would not give every free second of his life to me but coming from giving too much attention into giving close to none was a bit concerning. When I was with him he was distant and didnt even look me in the eyes or anything that was going on in the beginning, he wasnt paying attention to what was said to him or even what was going on.One night we were having sex and when we were done he wanted go for another round but couldnt get it up so that led to him apologizing all the time and he said its the stress. I asked him if it was maybe because he is no longer attracted to me but he reassured me that it’s not that, that he loves me a lot and that it is not that. He told me that he is aware of what he was doing and that hes sorry about that and also added some things that i knew about but didn’t want push him more away in case i was he would feel like I was prying into his bussinnes. He told me that sometimes when I was supposed to come over to his house, he would specificaly go to his friends so that after work I would go to my house because he didn’t feel like having sex.That hurt me but I knew that there might be another reason for the behaviour. I told him that I don’t cone over just to have sex, that I come to spend the little time i have with him, to talk to him and he understood. He also admitted to the fact that sometimes when he’s around me he doesnt listen and gets agitated very easily at me. he explained that it’s because of the stress from work and all the other stuff he has going on. I was thinking that maybe it might be male depression so I told him and researched about it and everything he was showing and telling me was exactly what was described in my researches. He got better after that and he was more open about everything. I stay over at his up to 5-6 times a week but we don’t have sex at all and I tried to explain to myself that it’s because of that depression. Two weeks ago we talked about him drinking and gambling too much and he did admit that he has a problem and wants to fix it, and so he did fix it to some degree. And that brings me to yesterday. We went for a baby shower of my friends and i drank a bit too much and I am the kind of person to be really touchy feely when drunk. So naturally I was very affectionate while being at party and he did the same. When we got to his house we did it but it was brief. I was messing around with him and he was basically indifferent. He said that he knows that when I drink I only want to have sex. I did not feel comftable with that comment so I moved away from him, after few minutes he just went to his friends house and stayed there for a good hour or so. That got me thinking because if you really are attracted to somebody, depression or not. You want to spend time with that person, you want to make love and want to be there for them qhen things are not okay, you want to fix the problems. He asks me to do a lot of stuff for him, help him with a lot of formal things, I clean his house, although I don’t live him and thats not a problem for me but what I’m getting at is that I am not sure if it is the depression talking theough his actions or is it something else and his just using me to get what he wants. Most of the time he only talks and comes to see me when he needs something from me and I don’t know anymore, I just don’t know how to deal with it anymore, I don’t know what to think or what he actually wants from me. I have depression as well, I go through a lot stress as well but it doesnt stop me from wanting him, I just need some advice about what might be going through his head as I’m just emotionally exhausted from overthinking all the time.

    #858632 Reply

    Break up with him. It’s been four months! This issue is not going to get better because it’s not an issue for him. He avoids you to avoid sex with you. I don’t understand why you’d try to force this when it’s clearly not working out. Why are you cleaning his house? Just break up and in your next relationship, if the sex dwindles two months in, move on.

    #858633 Reply
    avatarRuby Tuesday
    Guest

    Break up.

    #858635 Reply
    avatarEssie
    Participant

    This is a brand new relationship, and things have been bad for half the (very short) time you’ve been together. You’re not having sex, you’re arguing, you’re stressed out and unhappy.

    What’s going on in his head is irrelevant. His depression is irrelevant. The only thing that matters is that you’re not getting along and he makes you unhappy. You don’t need to go looking for reasons or excuses for that. It’s not working. Say goodbye and move on.

    #858637 Reply
    CurlyQueCurlyQue
    Participant

    MOA. Let me list all the red flags that were in your post:

    *Only 4 months together and issues started 2 months in
    *He has a drinking problem
    *He has a gambling problem
    *He’s short with you and blames it on stress
    *He doesn’t listen to you when you talk
    *He purposefully avoids seeing you
    *He’s already said he loves you (he doesn’t, but even if he did his way of loving someone isn’t very loving)
    *Lack of sex
    *You’re staying at his place 5-6 nights a week (too much, especially when he’s already stated he’s avoiding you)

    Any one of these is enough to end this relationship. MOA and possibly therapy to realize why you’d stay with someone after they totally changed their behavior after only two months. Why didn’t you just end the relationship then?

    ALSO as an aside. The next time a guy can’t get it up NEVER ask if it’s because they don’t find you attractive anymore. It’s not your issue it’s their issue and can be caused by a myriad of things that aren’t you.

    #858638 Reply
    CopaCopa
    Participant

    Yes to what everyone else is saying. The sex issues sound like the least of your problems, TBH.

    #858647 Reply
    SkyblossomSkyblossom
    Participant

    When they are avoiding you they are done.

    When they don’t want to have sex with you they are done.

    The only thing he hasn’t done is break up with you. That he’s leaving to you, so do it. This has been over for two months.

    #858648 Reply
    avatarAnge
    Guest

    You’re being set up to endure an abusive relationship OP, get out now because it’s only going to get worse than it already is (at four MONTHS in!).

    #858656 Reply
    avatarFyodor
    Guest

    At four months in, things should be effortless and horny. Cut bait.

    #858659 Reply
    avatarHelen
    Guest

    Why are you fighting so hard for this relationship? You can do better

    #858686 Reply
    avatarFannyBrice
    Guest

    It’s been 4 months, you started getting sick of each other after 2. This isn’t going to work. EVER.

    #858695 Reply
    avatarKate
    Keymaster

    This relationship is done. You two started out way too fast and flamed out. He’s over it but doesn’t want to be the one to initiate the breakup. This isn’t a situation where you’re in love but he’s depressed. This is just a new relationship that’s already run its course.

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