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Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Partners Lies

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  • #1110735 Reply
    Bob
    Guest

    We’ve been dating for 3.5 years. For the most part she is perfect. However, there seems to be a pattern of small lies that she doesn’t think are relevant regardless of what I feel. Some examples:
    She was in a relationship when we met.
    She led me to believe all three of her kids were with one person, not three, for over a year before clumsily explaining.
    She lied about being married to Dad No 1.

    If she lies about the aforementioned stuff, things that are in the grand scheme that are not life altering or significant, is it safe to assume she cannot be trusted to tell the truth about something that would be significant?

    #1110741 Reply
    LisforLeslie
    Guest

    I don’t think lying about being married or her kid’s paternity are small lies.
    Small lies are like she dyes her grey hair or doesn’t really like the new shirt you just bought.

    I would not trust her.

    #1110742 Reply
    Fyodor
    Guest

    These are not minor lies. These are huge lies that go basic aspects of your relationship. Get out.

    #1110743 Reply
    Copa
    Participant

    Agree that these are not small lies! If she’s telling you they’re not relevant, it’s because she’s intentionally trying to downplay them, which makes her seem even more manipulative from where I’m sitting.

    #1110744 Reply
    Anonymousse
    Guest

    Yeah, agreed that those are not at all small lies! Yes, you can assume she will keep lying to you.

    #1110745 Reply
    Bob
    Guest

    To be fair, I don’t think her intent was ever malicious. The person she was dating when we began spending time together wasn’t a very serious or intimate relationship. The other two, a marriage at 17 that didn’t last very long, or the paternity of her kids, seems more about wanting to project her best image concerning things she doesn’t seem are relevant. Personally, I’m not mad with the truth, I’m more upset she didn’t feel secure in being honest about them. I love the kids and her and who their father is doesn’t alter that one bit.

    #1110746 Reply
    SM
    Guest

    Hi Bob. Based on your update, if you do not believe these were malicious lies wants the point in wondering if she’d lie about big things. These are big things even if not malicious. I’m just wondering if you thought this was innocent to protect her image, why you think she’d keep lying?

    Obviously something feels off about it to you to write in asking advice. I also am in the camp that these are big lies. And wanting to protect her image is huge. Instead of thinking you’d want to continue the relationship with the truth, she lied so manipulate you into thinking something else. That’s malicious.

    #1110747 Reply
    Copa
    Participant

    So… I don’t think you’d be writing here if you thought her lies were totally innocuous and trusted her completely.

    I don’t think people have to be malicious to be manipulative. These lies were/are designed to paint an inaccurate picture of her so that the people who may have passed over her for having been previously married, having kids with multiple partners, holding herself out as single when she wasn’t, etc. wouldn’t do so. That’s manipulative. So is saying the relationship wasn’t very serious — she’s just downplaying her cheating. Would you have begun dating this woman in the first place if you’d met her and she’d told you she was actually involved with someone else? I’m going to go out on a limb and say no, even if she’d qualified it with “but it’s not serious/intimate/it’s basically already over.”

    You don’t mention how the truth has come up for each of these lies, but I am curious about that.

    • This reply was modified 1 month, 1 week ago by Copa.
    #1110749 Reply
    LisforLeslie
    Guest

    I agree with @Copa – the lies don’t need to be malicious but they are manipulative and deceptive. We’re all human and some of us have made huge mistakes in life. Owning your choices and being able to say “I made this choice, turns out I was foolish but I’ve learned from that experience.” is important.

    How long before she told you the truth? Did she tell you the truth or did someone else tell you? Or did you figure it out because you saw the cracks in the story?

    What happens if she makes a mistake now? Does she exaggerate or make things up to make her or you look better? Like does she pretend that you own your own business instead of work for someone else? Or does she say you guys own your own house when you’re just renting? Do you think you have the whole story now and is she honest about the big stuff and the little stuff now?

    #1110789 Reply
    Daisy
    Guest

    I also am curious about how you found out the truth. If she told you voluntarily, maybe she realized that lying to make herself look better was wrong and she is trying to be more honest now that you two are serious. If that’s the case, I’d be more willing to for give the lies, although I think I’d need some serious conversations about honesty in relationships and how to rebuild your trust.

    If you found out about her lies in some other way, and she only admitted to them when you confronted her, then that’s a really bad sign. As others have said, these are not small things to lie about, and if she only tells the truth when she’s cornered, it’s a pretty bad basis for a relationship.

    #1110798 Reply
    Anonymousse
    Guest

    You asked if she lies about little things like this, will she lie about bigger things? Yes. Those weren’t little things, but yes, she probably will. It’s second nature to her and she’s obviously very good at it. How do you think that happens? People become good liars by lying a lot. She was incredibly manipulative. I don’t know anyone who tries to put their best foot forward in a new relay by lying immediately, and to you for over a year.

    #1110799 Reply
    WhyDoWeExist?
    Guest

    Bro, she obviously has serious insecurity issues at the very least. Those are not small things. If you want to make it work then she MUST go for counseling to resolve why she is so insecure. You will also need to have a serious talk about how trust is going to be restored in your relationship and what levels of honesty you are both a. comfortable with and b. expecting.

    I am also concerned that you don’t seem to think that these are big things, they are not small things. You should value yourself more bro, you do not deserve to be manipulated (which is what she is doing). Manipulation has no part in love.

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