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Dear Wendy

Past trauma caused by partner, can’t stop ruminating

Home Forums Get Advice, Give Advice Past trauma caused by partner, can’t stop ruminating

  • This topic has 14 replies, 3 voices, and was last updated 4 months ago by ron.
Viewing 12 posts - 1 through 12 (of 15 total)
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  • #1095293 Reply
    Alina
    Guest

    Hi. I was unsure how to word the title so let me get into it. This is a very complicated story and I hope someone can help me understand what to do. I’ve been with my boyfriend for a year. He is over a decade older than me and has two kids and a (crazy) ex. At the beginning of our relationship he put me through things I have never had to go through in my life. I won’t get into specifics but I felt like I was worth nothing pretty much our whole relationship. Not to mention his ex is twice my age and I felt like I had to compete with her our whole relationship. She cheated on him multiple times and they had a terrible relationship form the start also. Now there is nothing his ex has that I don’t and I know this. It must have been hard for her to see her ex with someone like me (I am in my early 20s, she is in her early 40s). I am conventionally attractive. I get called beautiful everyday. Still being with him has made me feel like the exact opposite of that and has taken a huge toll on my self esteem and worth and basically made me trust no one. He would string me along then throw me away when he needed to “fix his relationship with his kids” then when things would get bad with him and his ex again I was dumb enough to keep coming back. He was always talking to her and when I would tell him how I felt about it he is would freak out, call me names (curse) and most recently threw a drink in my face. Without getting too into this and making it too long I was lied to, used, and not seen as a human being up until around 2 months ago in our relationship. That was when he told me his relationship with his ex was dead and then later that night I found texts to her of him saying he missed her hated this, called her babe etc. she even called me terrible names and talked so badly about me and there was no ounce of standing up for me from him. He just let her disrespect me. his excuse was that a therapist told him to salvage his relationship with his kids he had to give his ex what she wanted and to make her feel like she had the power. I asked him if he slept with her at all while we were together and he swears he didn’t. I don’t believe him but I want too. Now just the mention of her name makes me want to puke even though I know they really are not in each others lives like that anymore. And another thing that makes me hurt is that the only time I started to get respect from him was when his ex started dating someone new. It was like I wasn’t enough to be respected but another man is. Anyways to sum this up, he hasn’t disrespected me like that in two months, but I continue to feel pain and sorrow from our relationshop. I cause fights and hurt myself over and over. I am stuck thinking he will talk to her again, and I constantly break ip with him only to run back to him because he will treat me well when I leave. Now before I end there is one aspect of this relationship that is different from everyone else’s…..I am a singer and he is my manager and so we have mixed business and a relationship. I would have never stayed through what he put me through if it hadn’t had been for the music which is near and dear to me. But sometimes I felt like i was pushed too far. because it was his big dream and I never got to express myself the way I wanted. All I wanted was love and he never gave that to me and finally I want to live my life and I am so ambitious and want to accomplish so much and I feel that our past experiences are holding me back. But I love him dearly and it is so confusing. Anyway, I said it was complicated and as you can tell it really is. Someone please let me know your impression.

    #1095297 Reply
    Peggy
    Guest

    A long letter, but this is simple. Find a new manager and break up with him. You may need a lawyer if you are contracted or financially tied to him. You sound miserable with him. You also, ( ex wife of his or not ) sound unconfident and insecure. He needs to maintain a good relationship with his ex when they have kids together.
    Get away from him and get yourself together. And no going back. You have already yo-yoed with him and it has not worked. Good luck.

    #1095303 Reply
    Alina
    Guest

    I also want to clarify that the kids are never an issue for me. I have wanted to meet them this whole time and from the start wanted to have a good relationship with his ex, but a lot has been done that makes it hard for that now. And yes I am insecure and unconfident. But a lot of my insecurity has to do with his actions and how he has made me feel.

    #1095304 Reply
    Alina
    Guest

    Thank you

    #1095313 Reply
    Prognosti-gator
    Participant

    You say that your BF and his “crazy” ex disrespect you.

    But you don’t respect yourself.

    Until you feel you actually DO deserve better, you’ll keep going back. You need to understand that you deserve better. When that happens, you won’t let others have multiple chances to “disrespect” you, because you won’t stay in situations where that happens.

    TLDR: Fixing this starts with changing YOU, not changing THEM.

    #1095318 Reply
    Hazel
    Participant

    Get a new manager- it sounds like he is as controlling and disrespectful of you in your professional relationship (you never got to express yourself the way you wanted) as he is in your personal relationship. I think you will find someone out there who is a much better fit (but get a new manager, AND a new partner,- if you want a new partner- don’t tie the two up in that way again if you can help it).

    #1095330 Reply
    FYI
    Guest

    You need to see a therapist immediately. If you don’t get therapy, you are going to be run over by people like him again and again. Get therapy now; I can’t stress it enough. Do whatever it takes.
    You could also read any number of self-help books to start getting a handle on this:
    Codependent No More (Melody Beattie)
    Why Does He Do That? (Lundy Bancroft)
    Women Who Love Too Much (Robin Norwood)
    The Verbally Abusive Relationship (Patricia Evans)

    If you live near some major city, they probably have a women’s center. Ask them for a therapy recommendation. You could also go to CoDA meetings online (zoom). Stop blaming him (or the ex), and start taking care of yourself.

    #1095331 Reply
    FYI
    Guest

    Your insecurity does not have to do with his actions. It was already there before he came along. Otherwise, you would’ve told him to eff off the first time he acted like a dick.
    He has not “made” you feel anything. It’s you, and that’s good news. You can control you; you can’t fix him.

    #1095341 Reply
    ron
    Guest

    You say his ex is crazy, but you sound like the crazy one. You are putting up with a lot of insults and quite literally abuse to be with a guy 10 years older. And he is making money off you by being your manager. You have allowed him to destroy your self esteem. He’s blown hot and cold before, but now you are putting stock in two months of good treatment, which apparently only happened, because the ex wasn’t available. And don’t kid yourself, of course he slept with her while the two of you were dating. I really wouldn’t believe anything he says about his ex or his relationship with her. His attachment to her is clearly about more than the kids. You’ve seen messages that show that.

    Get therapy. Don’t mix business with relationships. I’d see an accountant. He may have mistreated you as badly financially as he did emotionally. The level of control and manipulation and abuse may well be a cover for financial misdeeds as well as giving you as a younger, attractive, safe, home base from which to pursue what he can get from his ex.

    #1095342 Reply
    Alina
    Guest

    Thank you all for responding. Although most of your responses have hurt my feelings I appreciate the honesty. FYI thank you for being kind. I was upset when I posted this and wish I could delete it now.

    #1095344 Reply
    Redgirl
    Guest

    I’m sorry that you regret posting, but I’m glad you did. Sometimes you need other people to confirm what you know in your gut, and I think you know in your gut you need to leave this guy. Trust me, healthy relationships (particularly NEW relationships — you’re only a year in) aren’t supposed to be this painful and difficult. I stayed in a miserable relationship when I was your age, too, because I thought maybe something was wrong with me and I just needed to keep trying harder. Believe me when I tell you, nothing’s wrong with you. This guy is treating you badly, playing on your insecurity for his own benefit, and most likely just using you as a placeholder until he can get his ex back. You deserve better. And when you find it, you’ll be ASTOUNDED at how enjoyable a relationship can be. But first, make a clean break from this guy (personally and professionally), grieve the relationship and pour your energy entirely into your own dreams for a while.

    #1095367 Reply
    LisforLeslie
    Guest

    You’re getting some unvarnished truth instead of coddling which can definitely be hard to take. But if you take a moment to breathe you’ll find the advice is apt. You started dating someone who treats you terribly. The first time you went back you let him know that you were ok with being treated poorly. Now the three of you are going around in circles and the only one who is consistently on top is your bf. You aren’t going to “win” here. He will always have you off balance, it’s his super power.

    Get a new manager, fully extract yourself from this situation and when someone treats you like crap, don’t stick around.

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