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Dear Wendy

Please Give Me Advice, I Am Really Anxious

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  • #1031264 Reply

    I have been in a LDR for 8 months with this guy, it’s been awesome. We broke up once because he said he couldnt handle a relationship atm,but he came back to me after a week apologizing etc. These 8 months have been great, except of our fights which usually end up with him giving me the silent treatemend for like 2-3 days and going back to normal after 3-4 days. He treats me good, says i love you all the time, makes time for me, plans about the future. But these two last days he has been acting kinda weird. He forgot to say ily twice .. the other day he was like “i dont feel like talking, ttyl babe love you” . it may seem petty but the fact that he didnt say “i love you” but “love you” made me feel kinda .. idk.. then today we talked for a bit.. he said “if i reply late sorry its just im not in the mood to talk that much today..i love you” .. then he said “i have to go, something bad angry, i need to cool off” .. i asked him what happened he said i dont wanna talk about it.. he said “let me be for rn babe, i dont wanna explode on you” then sent me a heart and went away.. he usually takes a few days to cool off when stuff happens..but im really really anxious.. please give me some advice to calm my spirit down .

    #1031265 Reply

    How often do you physically see each other, and what is the end date for the long distance?

    I know this is probably not what you want to hear, but he’s already told you that he doesn’t want a relationship with you and now he’s acting like he doesn’t want a relationship with you. What changed between when he broke up with you the first time and now, besides missing each other? If the answer is “nothing”, and especially if there isn’t an end date to the distance then it’s probably time for a frank discussion with him because he’s giving strong signs he’s not invested anymore

    #1031266 Reply

    Also, someone who gives you the silent treatment regularly for days at a time isn’t “great”. The silent treatment is an emotional abuse tactic and is a big red flag. Needing time to cool down or stepping away from a heated discussion are good, healthy choices. Punishing someone or trying to manipulate them by refusing to acknowledge or speak to them is very, very not ok. Look up Gottman’s Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, it’s a comprehensive view of what makes a relationship fail

    #1031267 Reply

    I think that you are way too dependent. You are exhausting me and I am not your BF. If you analyse every word, react to an “I” and no “I”…
    How much energy do you lose like this?
    Consider the big picture. Is this relationship going anywhere?
    Basically, you seem to have a pen pal. Don’t you want to date a local fellow? It would be so much simpler and more enjoyable. And less anxiogenic! You are anxious because there is not enough real relationship material here.

    #1031268 Reply

    I don’t mean this to be unkind, but this isn’t a relationship. It’s just two people talking online. And a lot of it’s your mind building it into something it isn’t.

    You don’t spend time together in person irl. You go days without talking. He gives you the silent treatment and is now not communicating.

    Also, everything gg said.

    You should just officially end this thing and move on to find a guy who’s invested in being your actual boyfriend. This guy isn’t. At all. Saying he loves you on text is so easy. He’s not acting like a boyfriend.

    #1031270 Reply

    The best way to not be anxious in a relationship is to not be with someone that behaves in a way that makes you feel uncertain or anxious about how into you they are.

    I mean, you may be a generally an anxious person, so therapy and mindfulness may help you in general be calmer and more accepting that there are things in life you can’t control…but, sounds like you feel anxious and uncertain because he’s not clearly showing you he’s all in on this relationship.

    Trust me, when someone is into you and committed to you, you know. You don’t have to wonder or wait for them to call. They communicate with you regularly, and let you know why they are less in touch if they have other things going on. They let you know in their words and actions that they are about you and are all in.

    If you’re not getting that from someone you’re dating, if you feel like you are constantly on eggshells or knowing how they feel about you is like trying to divine tea leaves, break up. This relationship isn’t worth your time.

    Find someone that likes you, and shows you they like you, and leaves you with no questions about the relationship.

    #1031271 Reply

    So I’m not an expert on this, but it sounds like you have an anxious attachment style. People with an anxious attachment style are easily preoccupied with their relationships and sensitive to even minor changes in a partner’s behavior (e.g., sensitive to signs of rejection) that make them feel anxious and sometimes cause them to act out. So yeah, it’ll look clingy and needy. And people with an anxious attachment style often find themselves dating people with avoidant attachment styles (i.e., people who value their independence and are self-reliant, tend to crave space in relationships, tend to struggle with vulnerability). I read the book Attached a couple years ago and found it very helpful in understanding myself and some of the relationships I’ve been in. I highly recommend it and it’ll do a much better job of getting into attachment theory than I can. I think it’ll help explain a lot of what’s going on here.

    All that said, yes, it does sound like this relationship has run its course. He isn’t acting like a good boyfriend and your needs aren’t being met. You shouldn’t be in these fight-and-make-up patterns. (The book actually gets into stuff like this, too, and how people with anxious attachment styles mistake the highs that come after the lows for passion and excitement when it’s really your anxiety going bonkers.) He shouldn’t be ignoring you for days on end. None of this is how you should feel in a healthy relationship and I hope you will find someone to date locally who meets your needs.

    #1031291 Reply

    A long-distance relationship is VERY different from an online-only relationship. Which do you have? Have you ever spent time together in person? In a long-term relationship, people typically are TEMPORARILY separated but have a foundation for staying together. If you’ve never met in person or hung out a lot, then you aren’t in a relationship.

    All that aside, these two things do not go together:
    “… him giving me the silent treatment for like 2-3 days and going back to normal after 3-4 days.”
    “He treats me good …”
    The silent treatment is very immature (how old are y’all?) and controlling. You should peace out on that basis alone.

    #1031295 Reply

    You deserve a real in-person man and happy relationship not LDR drama. Find someone who wants or like or love to make communication with you not excuses and disappeared for few days. Don’t fall for the 3 words “i love you” from him to make you feel good. They are just emptied words if he doesn’t mean in his heart. Someone I know, always say “i love you” to his girlfriend all the time but he never meant a word. He was just using her financially and personal need.

    #1031297 Reply

    have you met this person in real life? Do you talk on the phone or only through text? I am sorry to say that you are not in a relationship and neither of you is in love. Please move on from this. Try to connect with people in real life – I know, harder with Covid, but there are safe ways to meet people. There are Skype groups and online meet-ups like with webcams so you can see the people you are talking to.

    If anxiety is a problem that you have there is also online help for that. Please look into it.

    Be well

    #1031463 Reply

    If you’ve never actually met this person, you are actually in love with being in love. You actually have no idea if he’s really who he says he is (ever heard of a catfish?) Let him go. Find someone you can actually get together with IRL.

    #1031517 Reply

    This might seem like an HR over-simplification, but you might be anxious because your boyfriend treats you poorly. Giving the silent treatment for days at a time is toxic as hell. He’s continuously doing things to remind you that if you upset him he’ll just shut you out. Being in an online relationship makes it all the more easy.

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