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Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Please help, need dating advices

Home Forums Advice & Chat Please help, need dating advices

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  • #1118184 Reply
    Lily
    Guest

    I’m 29y female. I’ve met a guy 30y on a dating app. We’ve been getting to know each other for about 2 weeks now.
    We both want a serious relationship and dated out for drinks 3 times.
    Since the first day we met, he has been very kind to me. He answers every question I ask very maturely and kindly.
    Also he seems to care of my emotions very well and he is also romantic, didn’t make a move or make an action of a touch or anything.

    Now the main problem here is, I have anxieties because of my past/sexual history behind. I dated more than 35 guys/had sex many of them. They were mostly rude and abusive. I’ve been on therapy for 2 years and I try to change my pattern and be with a good guy.

    I also talked to the guy if he cares the past of the girl he dates, he seems also mature about it and understands the women also can have their own past and he is okay about it.

    He doesn’t seem to be so experienced with girls, only had 1 gf/but a friendship turning into a relationship and didn’t work and broke his heart type.

    I feel guilty to think like this but I caught myself thinking about his physical look(I always like too tall guys I’m 155 though, he is like 176) I kind of catch myself thinking about how our sexual life could be, if he could be good, if he has it big or small or if he wants to be with me because I’m just a girl… Its really bad to think maybe this plain but maybe because I always treated like this rude and I also started to act without soul around guys too .
    I can’t help myself. Could you please guys help me to convert my thoughts?

    Am I really bad feeling all?
    is it everybody going through the same pattern?

    I mean maybe it’s really a time to convert to the bad choices to a good one kind of pain. I want love and to be loved, I just don’t want to escape simply and make excuses. Am I making excuses?

    Please help me!

    #1118186 Reply
    Kate
    Keymaster

    Hi, please don’t keep posting the same thing. People will reply when they’re able. A lot of people are in US time zones and still early or asleep.

    #1118187 Reply
    Lily
    Guest

    I’m sorry about it. I thought maybe it’s not posted.Thank you for the explanation 🙂

    #1118188 Reply
    Kate
    Keymaster

    No problem. I deleted your duplicate posts.

    I think you’re moving a little fast here, mentally, not physically. I think you’re trying to tell yourself that this is the nice guy you think you need, and jumping right to relationship potential and how he’s going to feel about your sexual past, though you’ve only hung out 3 times. And perhaps he’s not your physical type / you’re not sure you’re attracted.

    I would say, spend a little more time with him and figure out if you even like him. Like yeah, I get that he’s nice and polite as opposed to rude and abusive, but is there chemistry there? Is he fun? Do you feel like you can get close to him? Can you see yourself kissing him? Maybe going away for a weekend with him?

    Please do NOT share with him that you’ve dated 35 rude, abusive men and had sex with most of them. For the record, dating and having sex with a lot of men in your teens and 20s is fine! But your pattern here with abusers and your guilty feelings about it are not the kind of thing you lay on someone after 3 casual dates. Your number is never any of his business anyway. If he asks, you don’t have to tell him and probably shouldn’t. You can get the point across that you have dated a lot of men without going into detail.

    But yeah, don’t assume because he’s nice, that that means you need to have a relationship with him. You don’t! You need to figure out if you really like him and he really likes you.

    #1118189 Reply
    Lily
    Guest

    Thank you very much your kind and helpful advice Kate. I appreciate it a lot 🙏😊

    #1118197 Reply
    Avatar photoDear Wendy
    Keymaster

    Agree with Kate here. Instead of thinking so much about relationship potential, why don’t you first figure out if you even like this guy and feel attracted to him and have chemistry with him. If, after a few dates, you aren’t excited by the idea of kissing him, you probably aren’t so into him, romantically. And that’s fine! Kindness and politeness are important qualities to look for, but they shouldn’t be all that you are looking for. You need to feel a genuine connection with someone to pursue a relationship, and you need to figure out if you do. I wouldn’t give this more than a couple more dates to figure it out though.

    #1118198 Reply
    Kate
    Keymaster

    Yeah, if your reaction right now is, no, I can’t imagine kissing him / don’t want to, then don’t see him again, the chemistry isn’t there, and no you shouldn’t feel bad about that.

    #1118202 Reply
    Lily
    Guest

    Thank you for your help, I really appreciate it a lot🙏

    I’ll try to get to know him better, like you both say I’m going to make sure probably one more time seeing him if there is a chemistry or not.

    #1118204 Reply
    LisforLeslie
    Guest

    “Nice” isn’t enough. Do you have anything in common? Shared interests? Do you enjoy talking to him? Do you find him attractive?

    Do you want to spend time with him? If the answer is no – that’s OK, that’s what dating is for – to get to know if you are compatible with someone.

    NO ONE is entitled to your history, btw. Maybe your doctor, but even then, only if there is something of concern with your health. The only thing to say is that your path, regardless of the details, led you to where you are now and who you are now. The rest is meaningless.

    #1118206 Reply
    Avatar photoDear Wendy
    Keymaster

    I think this is something that’s pretty common for a lot of women – especially young women and especially women who’ve experienced some level of abuse or even just being treated badly. You decide that you aren’t going to tolerate bad behavior anymore, and the way to do that is to find a “nice guy” or a guy who’s really kind to you and so that becomes the MOST IMPORTANT THING. And it *is* really important but it’s not the most important – at least, it shouldn’t be for anyone. A relationship that is based solely on being treated well, as nice as that might feel after not being treated well, is likely as doomed as one that lacks kindness and respect.

    A relationship needs shared values, common interests or at least common goals, chemistry, and attraction, as well as mutual respect and kindness. It shouldn’t be too hard over one more date to see if you even have chemistry and attraction with/for this guy. If you don’t, just move on and don’t feel bad about it. He deserves to a good match as much as you do and letting someone go who isn’t a good match does him a favor, really.

    Also, once you start actually prioritizing and looking for kindness and respect, you will be surprised how often you find it. Don’t settle for the first guy you go out with from this dating app who exhibits these traits out of some fear you won’t find them again. There are others – I promise. Many of us here on the site married them and are still happy many years later.

    #1118207 Reply
    Avatar photoCopa
    Participant

    When I was dating, if I was unsure, I’d give it three to four dates, though I found that if that uncertainty was still there by the third date, nothing changed by going on a fourth.

    That said, people who are used to instability and/or chaos sometimes find themselves drawn to people/situations that are chaotic. We seek out what’s familiar. Have you addressed the underlying reasons that led to the pattern of abusive relationships you described? You may consider doing that with a therapist as you navigate looking for a healthy love.

    #1118220 Reply
    Lily
    Guest

    Copa actually I’ve been trying to really find out mostly about what you’ve said.
    I’ve been on therapy for about 2 years. I mostly dated the guys who are abusive are related to my childhood trauma where my parent were divorced.
    The family atmosphere were so toxic and chaotic. We were abondoned as kids and my parents didn’t put us(me and my sis) as their priority. They didn’t really take care of our emotional needs.

    I went through a bad depression about 17. It’s took long time for me to find also right professional person to give me a help(physichiatrist/medication for depression)

    And since then to this age I didn’t really experience a normal relationship because I couldn’t feel totally belong or my previous bf were also not right for me.

    First one was 13 years old me/foreigner/divorced guy when I was only 17, he was 30. He was manipulating me and also were always asking obsessedly sex, and sexual photos repeatedly.

    Years later 2 years ago my bf abondoned me also when the subject was marriage and we were financially promised each other to get ready after 3 years of dating. He made excuses his family didn’t like me which they never met me.

    That’s what I’m trying to understand because it’s always same pattern now I can’t trust guys or can’t make emotional connection.

    Now there is someone treats me nice/ have common interests/ does look okay/ treats me kind/ yes, I’m not really sexually too attracted to him, but not seem like there is no hope, that’s what confuses me there

    Is it because I don’t really have a chemistry or is it because I only find excuses to escape now?

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