Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy



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  • #988383 Reply

    So I have been dating this guy for about 4 months and his ex just popped up saying she is 5 months pregnant. Now although that was clearly before me and him. I’m trying to figure out what to do. He told me as soon as she revealed the news to him, he didn’t try to hide it and keep it a secret from me. Him and her already have a 4 year old child together. They have not been in a relationship for about a year now. But they slept together which now supposedly resulted in this current pregnancy. But I’m stuck because I really care about him, everything with us has been great. His ex knows that he’s seeing someone else. And from what he has told me he informed her that he has no plans on leaving me if her intentions on keeping the baby was to get him to come back to her. He’s adamite on the fact that he wants to continue the relationship that we have. As we discussed the situation he did say that he has plans on getting a DNA test because although they slept together that one time its a big possibility that she slept with someone else so he wants to be sure. But I guess I’m just stuck trying to figure out how do I move on with our relationship. so far he has not one time disregarded my feelings in all this he’s persistent with checking on me and reassuring me that we are going to continue. But I need help to reassure myself. how do I go about accepting this new child? What could co-parenting look like with a new born? Should I really stay? Does it seem like worth a shot?

    #988606 Reply

    You should be very very careful here. You’re going entirely on his word as to what happened, and he’s trying to paint this in the best possible light. The thing that really jumps out at me is that he says it was “one time.” Come on. And since that’s 99.9% not true, what else is he being dishonest about? Here’s another one: She waited until she was 5 months pregnant to tell him. Does that add up?

    Another red flag: He’s trying to make his ex out to be untrustworthy. She wants to keep the baby to manipulate him into coming back to her. She might be lying that it’s his. Really? What actually most likely happened here (best case) is that they had an ongoing sexual relationship that ended when he started dating you. There is no reason to think it’s not his baby, and it’s fucked up to say she’s not having an abortion to try to get him back.

    Anyway, there are a whole bunch of posts and letters on here (some that Wendy has answered) about dealing with your bf having a baby with someone else. Try doing a search of the archives. Spoiler alert, it’s incredibly difficult.

    • This reply was modified 3 weeks, 2 days ago by avatarKate.
    #988686 Reply

    Get out now before you invest any more time into this. He will soon have two children with her. He is tied to her for the rest of his life. He will soon have a newborn to coparenting with her. And yeah, as Kate said- you’re only getting his side which unsurprisingly is painting him in a completely innocent light. What’s more likely is he’s been carrying on with her, knew she was pregnant, and pursued you anyway.

    Do you really want to be second fiddle to his children and this woman? Because if he at all is a good dad, you would be less important than them.

    Move on and date a man who doesn’t already have multiple children, and lock down your birth control. He’s most likely been lying to you.

    #988705 Reply

    One thing that I’ve come more conscious of during the Trump era, is whether you are getting the truth or the least-damning lie that can be resolved with the publicly known facts. What do you think is more likely? He had sex with the ex once at an unlucky time and happened to get her pregnant? Or they had an ongoing sexual relationship and he’s giving you the least damning lie that can be resolved with the publicly known facts? I would also be skeptical that she just “popped” up and he didn’t know about this before. They’re coparenting a kid together, so they presumably see each other somewhat frequently and she didn’t mention that she was pregnant until now?

    #988729 Reply

    You really believe that she said not a word to him about this for five months?! If she did this to get him back (a really selfish thing for him to say), why wouldn’t she have told him two months ago?

    You are being lied to and manipulated. Break up (safely, because he sounds like a real piece of work), and then fix your picker so you don’t fall for every lying jackhole out there.

    #988740 Reply

    Oh, something else too. That gross comment about keeping the baby to try to get him back? That should be a tell for you that it’s not over between them. They’re definitely not two mature people who have moved on emotionally but are able to co-parent their kids harmoniously. He’s (probably unwittingly) signaling to you that they’re messily entwined. And even beyond that, that’s such a gross and misogynistic thing to say.

    Worst case, they’re *still in a relationship* and he’s doing this bogus “forthcoming” act hoping you won’t catch on. BEST case, like I said, he was sleeping with her up until you two got serious and is lying about that.

    #990496 Reply

    Run away, LW! This guy is bad news. The sexist comment, “she got pregnant and kept the baby to get him to come back to her”!!! What? let him come back to her. He never broke up with her anyway. He is a loser and a liar. Just leave and aim higher next time you date someone.

    #990760 Reply

    Aim higher. Please. This guy sounds like a lying cad. And a loser. Your life with him —- will only be both a disaster. And a mess.

    Do yourself a favor. Bail now. And for the love of God. I sure hope at least YOU are using birth control. As clearly he is to clueless to grasp how it works…

    #991296 Reply

    Too much drama too early on. Get out now.

    #995088 Reply
    avatarBess Marvin

    “Too much drama too early on.” This, exactly. Even if everything has been great and he’s perfect in every other way (and I’m skeptical of that), why sign up for literally a lifetime of trouble after just four months.

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