Possible feelings for friend

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  • Lily
    February 8, 2023 at 9:52 pm #1118653

    Okay so, this guy I’ve been friends with for a few years – not super close but we’ve always had a chemistry, we’re both super into the same obscure music and other things, but we’ve never really done deep dives emotionally. Sometimes won’t even catch up for 5 months at a time, but when we do it’s like no time has passed, but it’s not like we’ve ever been close close, although at different times we sort of lived together (a bunch of people in an apartment) or would be around each other a lot. Anyways, I slept with him over the summer after we hung out one on one for the first time and listened to music all night. I left in the morning and felt like I had one-night standed him but I really had to go somewhere so it was awkward on my part and I attempted to wake him up to say I was leaving. After that we both were like, okay this is chill, not serious or anything, but do you want to hang out again? And every couple of weeks one of us would be like “hey what are you doing tomorrow?” and I always had something when he’d ask or he’d always have something when I’d ask, whether work or family. Tbh if either of us put in an effort it would’ve happened, but I feel like we were both kind of like oh whatever it’d be fun if it did, but not looking for anything serious with each other. This went on with us for 5 months. Never hung out again in that time. He’s now like well, you’re always busy, if you are ever free let me know, but basically said he’s going to stop attempting and the ball is in my court, type of thing, he’s done with the back and forth. Totally understandable, and tbh the fact that we went back and forth going “are you free tomorrow? How about Sunday?” for so long is silly. So it’s been like a month since he said that, and my schedule is clearing up quite a bit, and I kind of want to. Like I’m almost obsessing over it? Anyways, my issue… I really don’t want to date him, because he’s a bit of an alcoholic and while he’s been steadily maturing he’s also really in a different / more immature place than I am (and vice versa, with different things) and I just don’t think it would be something I would like for any length of time. Also he’s cheated on every one of his girlfriends in the past so I wouldn’t want to be his girlfriend. But I’m someone who I don’t think can just have one night stands or short flings or be friends with benefits. I feel like I’m only okay because it happened once. Though does it sound like I’m alright, I’m writing all of this here! I feel like if I contact him to hang out again (which I really want to) then I’ll become properly attached and I don’t want that to happen. So I’m really conflicted. It’s weird for me because I’ve never had it where something that happened months ago is still in my head like it is now (it’s not even that what we did was really good or anything, it was just okay, but I just had fun overall because of our common interests in music etc), is this normal? Mid 20s by the way, if that makes a difference.

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    peggy
    February 8, 2023 at 10:30 pm #1118654

    If he wanted to be sure you could go on dates,pursue a possible relationship,he would not have left things to chance. People say to each other all the time “lets hang out,we should hang out,go to a movie etc.” and they never make a firm plan because they are not too invested in making it happen.
    If you both wanted something more ,you would have looked at a calendar together and made a plan. Or maybe it just comes down to schedules that are not conducive to dating each other.
    I don’t think you are being honest with yourself. I think you do want to be with him/date him. But you also know that he is likely not too interested.
    And most importantly, he know he is a bad match,untrustworthy guy with issues. I think you hope he would change,maybe with dating you. But you know it is not going to happen. This is more about you than him-you don’t want to be the “one night stand ” girl,for example. But that iswhat it was,likely something you feel wasamistake given the non-outcome. So don’t repeat the mistake. Tis guy is bad news and has nothing worthwhile to give you. Don’t try to “see” what could be,don’t attempt to be friends…just let him go. Also figure out your boundaries and deal breakers ( like alcoholics) and stick with higher standards.

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    Lily
    February 8, 2023 at 10:45 pm #1118655

    Thank you, Peggy. I think you nailed it and it’s what I needed to hear

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    peggy
    February 8, 2023 at 11:30 pm #1118656

    Glad I could help.

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Possible feelings for friend

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