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Dear Wendy

Pregnancy dilemma: single and the father is nasty and abusive to me

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Viewing 12 posts - 25 through 36 (of 79 total)
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  • #872032 Reply

    I mean people can rip the p*ss out of me if they want.. But that’s under your conscience as I have done nothing but be honest and seek advice.
    It is refreshing to see that no one bats an eyelid over abortion as I was half expecting more pro-life comments . I guess it really is such the done thing nowadays

    #872035 Reply
    avatarMiss MJ

    So, okay, yeah. You need to have an abortion. First, the father is a crazy abusive asshole who will, at best, make your life a living hell and at worst harm or even kill you. This does not for a stable life make. Second, you need to get in a better headspace before you can even begin to parent a child. You’re obviously addicted to this drama and you cannot stay away. A child has no place in any of this mess. It’s toxic. It’s immature. It’s just not something a person of any conscience can bring a child into. Finally, if you are instant on continuing with this pregnancy, you need to lay off the Valium while you’re pregnant.

    #872037 Reply

    My gut instinct is obviously to have an abortion. As the situation does not feel right. Now the initial excitement of being pregnant has wore off and I can’t shake how bad I feel about the whole situation I wish I had the medical abortion straight away. Now I am running out of time to have it and have to travel out of town to have it as that’s the only way they could get me an appointment. I was lucky to get an appointment at all at short notice due to a cancellation. Otherwise I would have to face a surgical abortion which I don’t think I could go through with at it is more invasive. But if I back out when I’m there .. There won’t be a second chance to have a medical abortion

    I just don’t see how I can cope with living in a mess like this and I pray to god that if I do get an abortion I get a better chance in the future . It may be a risk I have to take.

    Every day I have had more or less nothing else on my mind and I switch between being excited to being pregnant to the pure dread and horror of the situation. I was hoping that I could forget about the bad feelings but they are there no matter what. There is no easy way out for me either way.

    I appreciate that people are considering me and my life rather than the baby/ embryo. Because I start thinking things like well.. Would this person rather live and exist at all. It can get very deep and it really does depend on your spiritual and ethical views.

    I have never had an abortion before. Just one miscarriage 3 years ago.

    #872038 Reply

    My advice is to have an abortion. Yeah we’re pretty pro-choice around here, because it’s so trendy. *eyeroll* Do you want to have a permanent reason for a dangerous person to come after you? Does a child deserve to have a father like him? You claim you have distanced yourself from the father but apparently you’re in frequent contact with his other baby mama and he is able to bully and threaten you. That doesn’t sound like distance to me. You said you already have a hard time with relationships because of your depression and anxiety. The relationship with one’s child is of paramount importance. You can have many romantic partners but any child you have gets only one mom and one chance to be raised in a healthy, stable home. If your mental health is already this fragile, being stressed, pregnant, and raising a child alone could very well push you over the edge. You say you want advice? Abortion, block him and his babymama, therapy, make better choices.

    #872039 Reply

    The dose of valium I took was low but as I’d never took it before it affected me strongly. I have taken a few low doses on occasions when I can’t cope with the anxiety but the doctor knows. I do worry about the side effects of stuff like that though. And have googled it. It is quite commonly prescribed in UK in pregnancy but that doesn’t really sound safe to me.

    #872040 Reply

    I was raised by a single mom so I’ve never had a 2 parent household myself… My dad was in and out of my life. Sometimes history repeats itself.. Everything in life has patterns.. i’m not sure I even know how to get married and do things properly.. But.. All I can do is try and teach myself / get therapy and read books and try and improve myself .. But like I said.. At 32 I feel like I am running out of time and yes I am immature for my age in some ways but I am trying my hardest. Its more a case of deciding which decision I will regret less.
    It is hard not to get attached to the pregnancy and I have found myself blocking it out a lot . But blocking things out can be bad in the long run.

    #872042 Reply

    Vathena- I am ignoring her messages now. I only had one conversation with her like a month ago and have ignored her since

    #872043 Reply

    No child deserves a dad like that. But all I am trying to see is both sides so I can weigh it up. My dad is very anti abortion but he knows that the guy is bad news. He has advised me to cut him off completely and he is sure I will find a new man that would ‘take us on. ‘ he said there are plenty of men that do take on new partners who already have kids. It is a reality. But I’m sure if he wasn’t anti abortion he would probably suggest an abortion .

    #872045 Reply

    What I’m seeing is that you are operating out of fear: fear that you will never find a(nother) man to have a child/family with. Honestly, 32 is not “old” and you still have quite a few years of perfectly healthy fertility available to you. Don’t make the decision to keep this man’s baby out of fear that you’ll never been in a healthy relationship or a more healthy situation, because more than very likely, you will. Operating out of fear is never the best option.

    Why don’t you take this opportunity to really assess your life, your desires, and make some plans as to how to get there? Have the abortion, take time to recover, and then sit down and be honest with yourself and figure those things out. Why did you allow yourself to be mistreated by someone abusive and be on/off with him? It sounds like you’re taking control of your mental health which is a great first step.

    I’m 37 and have been single for most of my adult life, with intermittent, short(er) relationships. Granted, I’m not chomping at the bit for a baby, but I really wanted a long term partnership and part of that was work I had to do myself (and am still doing). I go to therapy regularly and take antianxiety medication, among other things. I really believe that it was (partly) me doing my own internal work that helped me find and maintain a loving, supportive, healthy relationship for close to a year now. My boyfriend also does his own internal work to keep our relationship healthy.

    Use your post-abortion healing time to think about and make a plan for changes and improvements you can make to put yourself as best you can on the path toward the life and family you want. Then, when you are ready and have a solid, healthy, relationship and supportive partner, you can have a child or children.

    #872094 Reply

    Have the abortion. This isn’t your last chance to have a child. You can stabilize and find someone worth reproducing with. I’ve had OCD & depression my entire life. The postpartum period isn’t easy. With my 1st I was in a similar situation as you. Except I was 18. Abusive partner & not doing much with my life. I went ahead with the pregnancy because I figured I wasn’t doing anything else..but its not fair to give a baby a job. Babies shouldn’t be born to make you feel better or give you purpose. I spent 5 years bouncing in & out of the psych ward after he was born. My parents raised him till I stabilized. He’s now 18 & my responsibilities haven’t magically ended. I don’t have money for college so I’m pushing him to join the military even though my heart races at the thought. His bio dad disappeared soon after he was born. That did some damage to my son, even though it was for the best.
    I’ve had 2 more kids, this time stable & married to an amazing man. The postpartum periods were still rough. For about a year. You ever read news articles about moms drowning their kids in the bathtub in a fit of postpartum psychosis? I fucking get it. That’s how bad it can get. If you’re already struggling with your mental health the LAST thing you need to do is have a baby. Abort, stabilize, then if you want to pursue motherhood do so. Just pick a better partner

    #872100 Reply

    I’m shocked you’d say, “wow, it seems abortions are a thing everybody does now.” No, that’s not true.

    But in this case, where you “fell pregnant” with as you say, a totally abusive asshole, yeah we’re going to go ahead and recommend your first inclination- to rid yourself of the collection of cells. It’s not a baby. It’s the potential.

    This entire situation was an accident. You’re not infertile, as you previously chose to believe.

    #872106 Reply

    I just… this does not seem like the right timing or situation to bring a child into. In any way. My advice would be to think about this as a mistake that a pregnancy termination can rectify, then you work on yourself and improving your stability, mental health, etc., looking to arrive at a place where having a child would make sense.

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