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Private cell phones in long term relationship

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This topic contains 97 replies, has 15 voices, and was last updated by avatar TheRascal 6 days, 19 hours ago.

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  • #836610 Reply
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    sunshine883
    Member

    Just curious what you guys’ take is on cell phones and long term relationships. Do you guys have your SO’s code in case of an emergency or just because or no? My guy of 3 years refuses to exchange codes or put our phones in safe mode at home. I think if you have nothing to hide, you hide nothing. He disagrees. It is a dealbreaker for me and he will change his mind after a week or so of not talking but eventually changes his code again. I don’t understand why it is a problem. No matter what the reasoning, it seems like someone who acts this way is hiding something.

    #836611 Reply
    LadyinPurpleNotRed
    LadyInPurpleNotRed

    I’m with him–why do you need access to his phone? My boyfriend doesn’t have access to mine–it’s not that I’m hiding anything, but there is no reason for him to be in my phone. I have text messages with my friends about private stuff and I take their privacy seriously. If he’s not doing anything sketchy outside not giving you his password, then I think you’re being ridiculous. If there is another reason you’re being so sensitive about this, then approach the issue for what it is. If it’s a dealbreaker for you, then break up. Follow through. He doesn’t agree with you, so you need to do what you need to do. Cell phones generally have an option if the person is incapacitated and they are the only one who has a phone. What kind of emergency do you anticipate needing HIS phone for?

    #836612 Reply
    bittergaymark
    Bittergaymark

    Yeah, sorry, Sunshine… but you are wrong on this. Way wrong. As is your repeated, apparent week-long silent treatments as retaliation to get his passcode. Yikes. Just… yikes!

    #836613 Reply
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    Kate
    Keymaster

    Yeah we do, and I’ll use it to unlock his phone like idk if he’s driving or something. He’ll do mine to do software updates and stuff. We’re married, but I think we had the codes when living together.

    Why though? You really don’t need it.

    #836614 Reply
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    Kate
    Keymaster

    Oh I missed the silent treatment thing. I think that’s abusive! To demand the code to someone’s personal property and then not talk to them for a week? Super controlling and manipulative.

    #836617 Reply
    Dear Wendy
    Dear Wendy
    Keymaster

    Hmmm, yeah Drew and I have each other’s passcodes to basically everything, including phones. After 13 years together and with two kids, the passcodes just come up. At least several times a week we need to access each other’s phones — one of the kids is looking at mine and I need to look up a recipe or directions; this morning he couldn’t find his phone and needed to call his phone from mine to locate it; my phone is dead and I want to use his to take a picture of something; really the list goes on and on. I would find it really super weird if he was insistent on keeping his phone private and not sharing his passcode. Like, what are you hiding, dude?

    That said, if you’re seriously giving the guy the silent treatment over this, then you need to learn a better way of communication. I’m not sure, by what you wrote, that that’s what’s going on but everyone else seems to so maybe I am not understanding…

    #836618 Reply
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    ele4phant

    My husband and I have one another’s codes, it wasn’t something explicit or that I ever felt we *needed* to share, but you know, at a certain point you need to look something up and their phone is closer, so you naturally share codes eventually.

    I don’t think it’s necessary, certainly even if you are in a couple you are entitled to some privacy and for some that means access to their phone, but I do think it’s pretty common in long term relationships that eventually you end up sharing codes.

    That said, it is weird to me that assuming things in the relationship are fine that this is a dealbreaker for either of you. It’s weird that you feel you *have* to have his code and consider that a dealbreaker, and it’s weird to me that he just as strongly doesn’t want you to have it, to the extent he gives you silent treatment for a week and will change his code.

    How is the relationship otherwise? Do you have reasons you feel suspicious of him or that you need to monitor his phone use? I’m going to assume yes, particularly since you guys have fights were you don’t talk for a week. If so, focus on those problems and not this rather insignificant one.

    But if truly you have no reason to distrust him, then I’d say you’re picking a weird hill to die on.

    #836619 Reply
    Copa
    Copa
    Participant

    I’ve never done this with a boyfriend. And I’m someone who has nothing to hide but still prefer not to give my password out, even to my boyfriend. In any case, I thought all phones let you make emergency phone calls without a passcode. Agreed that the silent treatment over this is immature and messed up. And if this is a dealbreaker, why are you still with him if this has been a recurring issue? No matter what the reasoning, it seems like someone who acts the way you do is deeply insecure, untrusting, and controlling.

    #836620 Reply
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    sunshine883
    Member

    He gives ME the silent treatment!!!! Not me.

    #836621 Reply
    Copa
    Copa
    Participant

    Why isn’t THAT your dealbreaker!?

    #836622 Reply
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    ele4phant

    Oh you are giving HIM the silent treatment?

    Girl, grow the hell up. If you have legitimate issues in your relationship, address them like an adult, head on.

    If you just want his code because you want his code, I mean, let it go.

    #836623 Reply
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    sunshine883
    Member

    it should be! i know. and when we have had these silent periods, i have caught him talking to other women. so yes, i distrust him for a reason. he said we were broken up but it was never communicated to me. he also had a relationship with another women for 6 weeks and we got back together after he ghosted me. he has taken back an engagement ring and gifts so i guess this causes some distrust. call me crazy. or don’t. ha

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