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Private cell phones in long term relationship

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This topic contains 97 replies, has 15 voices, and was last updated by avatar TheRascal 1 week, 1 day ago.

Viewing 12 posts - 25 through 36 (of 98 total)
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  • #836637 Reply
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    Ele4phant

    You getting his phone code is not going to fix him potentially cheating on you.

    So focus on your distrust and his actions, and let the phone code issue go. Or break up with him.

    Making this a fight about phone codes is not going to fix your root problem.

    #836638 Reply
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    Vathena

    Your boyfriend has cheated on you, ghosted for weeks at a time, took back a proposal, and routinely gives you the silent treatment (which is most definitely an emotional abuse tactic) and you are worried about whether you have his password? Do you think having the code is going to solve your relationship problems? Just break up with him!

    #836639 Reply
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    ktfran
    Participant

    Because, sunshine, I think only insecure or untrusting people DEMAND this kind of info. from their significant other.

    Don’t get me wrong, he’s given you plenty of reason not to trust him. I’m not sure why you’re with him. You have bigger problems than this.

    And back to your original question, I don’t think sharing passcodes is a requirement to be in a relationship.

    #836641 Reply
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    anonymousse
    Member

    He’s taken back an engagement and gifts? To punish you? He gives you the silent treatment. He’s manipulative and cruel and he cheats on you.

    You allow him to treat you this way. You could solve this very easily by leaving him. You cannot change him. He’ll never respect you or care about you. That’s plain to see.
    Get help for your low self esteem.

    #836642 Reply
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    Essie
    Participant

    I don’t have my boyfriend’s phone passcode and he doesn’t have mine. Even if he gave it to me to look something up, I would never in a million years read his e-mails or texts. What he talks about with his siblings and kids and coworkers isn’t any of my business. And if he insisted that he had the right to read mine, I’d break up with him on the spot.

    LW, the phone passcode is a red herring. The problem isn’t that he won’t let you look at his phone. The problem is that there’s no trust in your relationship, because he lies and cheats and goes back on promises. Your being able to look at his phone isn’t going to fix any of that.

    #836643 Reply
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    ron

    LW —
    You are just all over the place. Do you even know what a deal-breaker is? It is a relationship ender. Apparently you are so desperate, controlling, and convinced that you can turn your bf into the man you hoped he was, that you don’t have any deal-breakers. You’ll object, demand, say you need… anything you want, but in the end there is nothing which will cause you to walk away. Why is that?

    I don’t think he needs to give you his passwords, but you really do know that he has cheated already, ghosted you already, broken an engagement and taken back gifts already, and is never going to give you a password without immediately changing it 30 seconds later.

    You need to stop your nonsense about how sharing passwords is a hugely important value to you and just MOA.

    If you don’t respect and enforce your own boundaries, he’s certainly not going to assign any importance to them.

    #836645 Reply
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    ele4phant

    Good point Ron. Sunshine, this is clearly not a dealbreaker for you because you are not broken up. That’s what dealbreaker means, you either abide by this condition or I walk. And then you actually walk.

    Your boyfriend knows he can refuse to give you his password and you won’t leave. He knows he can talk to other women and you won’t leave. He can give you the silent treatment, for days, and you won’t leave. You can rescind gives and engagements, and you won’t leave. He can cheat on you, and you won’t leave.

    He can pretty much do whatever he wants and you’re not going anywhere, and he knows that.

    He’s a shitbag, but at a certain point, you’re knowingly letting him walk all over you, and that’s on you.

    #836651 Reply
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    MP

    Oh no no no. He gives you the silent treatment AND cheated AND does petty punishment like taking back gifts and a literal engagement ring?? Those should be the deal breakers, not the passcode. For what it’s worth, my husband has my code. I sometimes have him read time sensitive texts to me when I’m in the bath. I don’t have his though and have no idea what I’d do with his passcode…. maybe read some boring work emails or see his game stats? Anyways, he sounds really mean to you and I don’t blame you for not trusting him but having his passcode won’t make him a better man. Having his code can confirm he sucks, but you already know him. In the words of Dan Savage, DTMFA

    #836652 Reply
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    PDX816

    OMG, why are you still in this relationship? Dump him and please get into therapy to make better choices in the future. He has absolutely cheated on you, treated you terribly and clearly has 0 respect for you or your relationship. I don’t blame you for FEELING like you need to spy on him, but the minute those feelings start you need to leave the relationship. A healthy, loving, trusting relationship shouldn’t lead to the feeling of needing to check up on him. He is shady AF and you are willing staying which makes you a fool and a willing participant in the dysfunction. Aim higher.

    #836654 Reply
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    sunshine883
    Member
    #836655 Reply
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    Kate
    Keymaster

    You already know he has something to hide, though. The cat’s out of the bag. He cheated on you. You don’t have to wonder. You KNOW he’s not showing you his phone because he’s shady.

    I think that article is kind of full of crap, because no, I don’t have to give some guy I’m dating my passcode to prove I’m not hiding anything.

    But, with couples who have had a cheating issue, yes, one aspect of rebuilding trust (with the help of counseling and all that) can be for the betrayed partner to have access to the cheating partner’s phone. Again, that’s part of a dedicated process of rebuilding trust. Among many other things. You two aren’t rebuilding trust. You’re not going to. His giving you his passcode won’t make you trust him.

    #836656 Reply
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    ktfran
    Participant

    Lolololol. Ok.

    I would still argue that if you’re in a trusting, healthy relationship, you don’t need your partner’s phone information. You only need it if you think something shady is going on. Which it is in your relationship. Having his password won’t make him less shady.

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