Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Private cell phones in long term relationship

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This topic contains 97 replies, has 15 voices, and was last updated by avatar TheRascal 1 week, 1 day ago.

Viewing 12 posts - 85 through 96 (of 98 total)
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  • #837153 Reply
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    Kate
    Keymaster

    Also, that’s what happens when you date a guy who has an ex-wife and kids. He’s got this whole other family situation that you aren’t a part of. That’s normal. And again, not sure why you’re choosing to focus on this when the actual deal-breaking issue is he’s cheated on you.

    #837154 Reply
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    Fyodor

    LW: What is your advice about getting my boyfriend’s passcode
    Everyone : you don’t need it but you should break up with your cheating boyfriend
    LW: You are all lying about the passcodes.

    #837155 Reply
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    Essie
    Participant

    I was about to feel sorry for the LW because she evidently has such a sad relationship history that she thinks no one can be trusted.

    Then I read the drama-queen rant about the daughter.

    #837156 Reply
    bittergaymark
    Bittergaymark

    ^^ EXACTLY!!

    #837157 Reply
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    anonymousse
    Member

    I don’t have a doubt in my mind about my husband and I never have. We know each others passcodes because they’re the same. It is convenient for me to type out texts for him while we’re driving or whatever. I don’t care what he looks at, I’ve got nothing to hide and neither does he. It must be weird for you to imagine a functional relationship between two people who genuinely love each other, our family, and have no drama. We have trust. There’s never been another person involved. And don’t compare your shitshow of a relationship to a marriage.

    He’s cheated on you. He ghosted you! I’m trying to be nice here but you’re missing the point, sunshine. Why are you so desperate to make it work with a man you don’t trust, who also doesn’t trust you or stand up for you in addition to the cheating and ghosting?

    I think you know he’s not hiding his phone because of his daughters texts. Stop being so pathetic and leave him. Have some self respect. This is not a good relationship m and it doesn’t sound like it ever hasn’t been.

    #837158 Reply
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    keyblade
    Member

    To me it sounds as though he doesn’t trust you.

    “I think if you have nothing to hide, you hide nothing. He disagrees. It is a deal breaker for me and he will change his mind after a week or so of not talking but eventually changes his code again. I don’t understand why it is a problem. No matter what the reasoning, it seems like someone who acts this way is hiding something.”

    Perhaps he doesn’t trust you to trust him to handle himself or his own messy, autonomous relationships. He doesn’t trust you not to wage ultimatums or to be honest about your own deal breakers. He doesn’t trust you not to try to monitor his private thoughts and feelings (especially if they are in response to you).

    Maybe he has a hard time giving you reassurance because he knows he isn’t that trustworthy to begin with. Is that what you think and are getting at with the passwords? Do you want validation that you are being reasonable because you have doubts that he is really upfront with you?

    How much evidence would be enough to feel as though he’s giving you the reassurance you crave to feel secure? What are you hoping you’ll get from commenters agreeing with you on the passwords? I don’t think married people can demand their spouses trust them and provide them transparency whether it’s reasonable or not if their spouse isn’t on board. I’m not sure what good will come from polling.

    You know he has crossed your comfort lines and hidden it before. I think you want him to agree to your expectations as a result of that behavior and as a gesture of respect for you. He told you he won’t. I don’t have an opinion if it is because he is untrustworthy around other women.

    Obviously he does want to be with you and your kids to a certain extent or he would leave, but he doesn’t want to be fully transparent with you because he feels the need for privacy that he knows you don’t want him to have.

    I do think it’s normal to not like feeling as though your boyfriend isn’t forthright with you. But monitoring doesn’t seem to me like it would be a viable long-term strategy for peace and harmony.

    Sorry you’re having a rough time in your relationship now. You’ve always offered supportive comments in the past.

    • This reply was modified 1 week, 1 day ago by avatar keyblade.
    • This reply was modified 1 week, 1 day ago by avatar keyblade.
    #837160 Reply
    Dear Wendy
    Dear Wendy
    Keymaster

    Only somewhat related: as I’ve mentioned, one of my closest and oldest friends died a few weeks ago. Well, he left behind a locked iPhone and a locked MacBook Pro that it seems no one knows the passcodes to. I’ve been brainstorming guesses with family and so far, no luck. There are so many photos and writings locked in those devices and as we (especially his family) all grieve his untimely death, we would love to have access to these things!

    So, even if you don’t share your passcodes with anyone, at least have them written down somewhere not difficult to find so that if you happen to die or are otherwise incapacitated, your loved ones can easily track down a code to get into your devices (unless, I guess, you don’t want anyone to ever access or use said devices other than you).

    #837161 Reply
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    JD
    Member

    Good point Wendy. I’ve heard of people having a list of passwords they keep in a safe if with their legal documents should it ever be needed.

    #837163 Reply
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    ktfran
    Participant

    The husband and I need to do that. We both have a list of accounts and passwords, but I need to make sure it’s comprehensive on both our ends. Mine is not.

    Actually, his is on his work computer. IT would have to help me. Ugh. Should probably change that too.

    #837164 Reply
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    JD
    Member

    I for sure need to do this. Especially since my husbands passwords are ridiculous, 28 character insanity. I had to make him change our WiFi password to something reasonable so I could get in when needed. This is what happens when you marry a man who works with a security clearance like he does I guess. I try to remind him that it’s great for our personal stuff to be secure but perhaps not so secure we can’t get into it. I couldn’t guess his passwords if my life depended on it.

    #837165 Reply
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    SpaceySteph
    Participant

    Yeah, I mean eventually every one of us will die and our loved ones will want or need to access all kinds of stuff. Email will be a big one, because they’ll need to get access to your bank records and stuff. And phone will have photos. Maybe your social media accounts to either deactivate or turn into memorial pages or whatever. Married people should definitely exchange these sorts of passwords, even if they don’t plan to use them while alive.
    Some of those password keepers even let you share amongst family.
    But again this really isnt about whether you should have or need access to his phone. Its that you dont trust him and for good reason. MOA.

    #837166 Reply
    CurlyQue
    CurlyQue
    Participant

    Sunshine, if your bf really cared about fixing the broken trust that he caused, he would probably give you total access to his phone while you needed it to feel secure. However he has not, which means he’s not prepared to fix that trust.

    Break up.

    Go to therapy and figure out why you stayed with him for so long. The other lesson i think you should take from this, is not getting involved with someone who has kids since that seems to be something you can’t handle. Though you should probably address that in therapy too.

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